Check Please!!

And put it all on his tab!

So If you follow me on "The Gram" (insert cool emoji) then you probably heard a little about my date from hell a couple of months ago. I wanted so badly to write about it immediately, while everything was still fresh but I was very much so resisting the idea of doing this blog so I just put it on the back burner.

But NO FEAR!! That damn date was so bad... I still remember it like it was yesterday honeychild! Let's start from the beginning I met him on this online dating site...that shall remain nameless...unless of course they wanna pay me to promote their asses! (Ha they zooin!?) Here's the scoop.. A couple of years ago I decided I didn't want to close myself off from any potential opportunities to meet "Mr. Right" so I researched a couple of dating sites and took the plunge into the online dating pool....my overall experience has been entertaining for sure...but i've only ever ran into "Mr. Right's" cousins: "Mr. Left", "Mr. hell naw", and "Mr. you've got to kidding" but make no mistakes I have grown and learned a lot about myself in the process which is why I always advocate for online dating...as long as it's done right! I get messages from Plus size women all the time asking me how to go about dating more...and I always suggest online dating because I think we limit ourselves to our small worlds too much and never know what amazing person we may be missing out on because he/she does not live on our block or work at our job. Here's the thing...you may have to kiss (figuritively of course...dont be putting your lips on every tom, DICK, and Harry...oop!) a few frogs first but if you're lucky, you'll come across a prince! But don't get it twisted because there are indeed levels to this shit! and for that reason I will probably write a post about the do's and don'ts of online dating because what you don't wanna do...is book a date with the craigslist killer...the answer is NO chillle!

 Anywho...this is one of the one's who didn't make it off of my "Do not respond to his message" checklist...but I was in the holiday spirit and decided to go against my better sense!

So it went like this, it was the beginning of November I think... I had just decided to reactivate my account , after the break up with SM and I got a message from this guy, who for all intents and purposes we'll call "Mr. Oceans 11"(we'll get back to that later). Now the first thing I usually do when I get a message is go on their profile to check out a few things like:

1.  Age because after the breakup I decided I would no longer date younger men because clearly we can't see eye to eye...well Mr. OE was 26 which was under my "30 and up" age cap (strike one).
2.  I also check to see if they drive, well because I'm not picking up no grown ass stranger from their house...safety first! 
3.  I check to see if they have children because dating someone who has children can get tricky...one is ok...but 3 and 4...You need to take that date money and start a college fund or whatever! 
4. I check religion because i'm not trying to be converted at a damn TGIFridays! 
5. and lastly I read their profile info because 9 times out of 10 if a man couldn't take 5 minutes to write a description about himself...it indicates that he's not on there for anything legit...or he can't spell...and i'll be damned if i'm going on a date with someone who starts off their profile by saying "Hi you doing?"...really...is that really what you learned when you repeated 1st grade??? 

Girl!! I could talk forever about my online dating experiences...but for now ima focus on Mr. OE (sidenote Mr. OE is hilarious to me because it makes me think of Poetic Justice, when Justice and Iesha is in the gas station store and Iesha shouts out to the cashier "Y'all ain't got no Old E?!" ...I know that's random as hell but me and my friends LIVE for a black classic movie!)

Anywho, So after looking at MR. OE's profile I returned to his message and as gently as I could I declined talking to him any further, explaining in my reply that he was too young for me. Of course he persisted telling me that he was not your "typical 26 year old" and that I should just give him one chance to take me out, etc. For the life of me, I don't know why I didn't follow my God given instinct. Eventually we exchanged numbers so that we could plan a date. well for a week this man sent the most sporadic texts to me...just random "what's up" texts (which I hate!) but it all came to a head as one evening at mmmm let's say 12:30 am...this young man decided that he would text me asking "what you doing? can I see you?" ...................

I'm legit getting annoyed right now, just writing about it!

Needless to say that conversation ended with a very calm "Lose my damn number". But the next day he text me apologizing profusely, blaming his temporary insanity on a "bad day" for which I replied "oh...ok..." (with the most sarcastic of undertones) again he begged to take me out and even informed me that if everything went well I could spend thanksgiving with his family...what in thee feathery fuck?! (Strike two!) He was just too pressed. Now don't get me wrong...I loves me a persistent man, one who is not afraid to show me that i'm what he wants but when you're planning our one year wedding anniversary before we've even met... my Spidey senses kick in like a mug!

Fast forward a couple of weeks , it's now the beginning of December and we've finally set a date. He texts and informs me that we'll be going to Chaamps sports bar and grill. I'm initially slightly annoyed by the fact that he didnt even ask me where I wanted to go but then I decide i'd give him brownie points for taking initiative! I text him before im leaving out to let him know that it will only take me about 10 minutes to get to the restaurant and to see if he'd be on time...he assures me that he will be! I asked that negro if he needed extra time...I really did...
but guess the hell what...Quani arrives and a few moments later receive a text "Im on my way" I was irritated instantaneously but decided that I would give him a grace period because a pimp like me ALWAYS needs a grace period!!! Well about another 20 minutes go by, I'm sitting in my car on froze because my hooptie (a car who's only functionality is to get you from point A to point B) is "Heat Not Included" (the struggle!)...me and my shivering finger tips decided it was time to deem this date a fail! Mr. OE had just received strike 3! I wouldve just up and left without telling him...but come on son... a big girl has gots to get her eat on...judge if you must...

Finally I get the call that he's inside...so I get out of my car and slam the door real hard...a little because i'm pissed but mostly bc you gotta slam it or the bitch won't close...then I sashay my bougie self into the restaurant like I just got out of a 2014 Benz. I find Mr. OE standing at the entrance talking to someone he knows. First thought on him? i'll start with the positive...He was tall....... and that's all ima say because you know the saying... if you don't have anything nice to say... just group text it to your girls! So I greet him and we're escorted to our seats. Waitress comes and yall...my man trys to order for me!! Ummmm 1963 called...and it wants it's dating etiquette back! So after assuring him I could read the menu just fine we start talking....now here is where I don't even know where to start, there's soooo much that went wrong with this conversation so in an effort to expedite your shock, i've prepared a bullet point summary of our conversation:

• He once again informed me that I would be spending the Christmas holiday with him and his family
• He told me that i'd be in love within a week
• Informed me that he had a stalker who was in fact calling him as we waited for our appetizers (damn right I ordered an appetizer!!)
• He shared with me that he'd attended Lincoln University...which is the rival school of my college...so boo to that!
• He encouraged me to put all my "secrets"on the table so that he could decide if they were too much for him and when I disagreed with his logic he went on to try and convince me that I should see thing his way
• He threatened that if I sent back my less than appetizing dish he would send his back too because "we are a unit"....his words, not mine!
• He told me that he had a son...who he interestingly enough excluded from his profile! (strike 26!)
• Furthermore he shared that his son's mother was taking all of his money for child support which had forced him to move out of his place and back home with his momma

- let's pause for the cause...now one thing I don't do is judge a man on the material things he may or may not possess...adulthood is hard and anyone under 30 should have a reset option if need be. Now a 40 year old still at home with mom...no maam!

• That last bit of info led to him telling me something...which caused me to name him "Mr. Oceans 11" He told me that he had a gambling problem but that it wasn't out of control because he never spent "bill money" only everything else............ (imagine my face as he shared this)
• He shared that he only has one friend...a cousin of his.

There were so many other mini horrors taking place but I think i'll just leave it there. After all of that I just wanted to get out of there...he was arrogant, belittling, sarcastic and dense throughout the whole night and every time he got smart with me, I ordered another drink! but the date all came to a climax when the waitress and "Mr OE" started flirting with one another as I complained about my dog food alfredo that she'd served me...and you won't believe what happened next...home girl, reeking of stale cigarette smoke and the infamous bath and body works scent "Love Spell", sat down at our booth beside me, nonetheless, and proceeded to have a whole conversation with my date...and there I was sitting there, unbothered, enjoying my tequila sunrise!

Thankfully the date didn't last much longer, after that the check came and I looked him square in the eyes as he rifled through his pockets to find exact change. As he walked me to my car he asked me what I would be doing around 10 PM that night (it was around 8:30 at the time). I assured him that i'd most likely be in bed but he told me "no, you're going to meet me after i take care of some business" at first I was going to explain that pigs would fly first but I just decided to let that man dream. And then it happened...he leaned in for a hug and a kiss and my natural instinct kicked in as my fist raised and I uttered the ultimate friend zone words "Pound it!" (referring to a fist bump..) he looked at me with dismay before shockingly giving me a pound...I then hurried to the passenger side of my car to unlock my doors... (stop laughing!) hurried to the other side, got in and drove off hoping I didn't hit him as I sped off!

Moral of the story: Never order the Cajun Pasta from Chaamps!!! *blank stare*

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

February's Subscriber Giveaway

In honor of the love holiday we're giving away a $25 gift card to Forever 21 so that you can buy the perfect Valentine's day dress...whether you're going out with your Mr. Right or hanging out with the girls or to buy your special someone the perfect gift. 

To be entered be sure to subscribe to the blog via Google +. (Only Google + subscribers will be included)

The winner of February's Giveaway will be announced next week!!

Sunday Night...

I don't understand men!

And it only took me 31 years to be able to admit it to myself. Why is that men are always trying to paint the woman as the unstable, emotion driven, confusing one? I mean...sure we're good for an emotional variety pack from time to time and love to be mushy with the ones we care about.

But my man...you gotta know that you're the most indecisive, illogical, biased creature on the planet Earth and dear I say it...In the universe!! How, you ask?

Glad you asked...

So i've wrestled with whether or not I should write an update so soon after meeting up with SM. As I write this, it's been a little over a week since I met up with him for our "date" and the truth is...by the time these posts come out I could easily be feeling another way but here's the thing, I vowed to be transparent and put it all out there when I decided to do this blog...it's the only way that I can make it work for me. The one thing that you can be sure of in following this blog is that it's allllways going to be 1000% me. No covering up, no preserving my "image"... you can expect all truth!!

This will most likely be a short post but I just have to ask...what is even the point? I honestly am so confused... is that even allowed at 31? shouldn't I have my crap together by at least 75% at this age? No, seriously...someone tell me! Because it seems like the older I get...the less I know! Especially about the effing male species!! How can you be so hot one day and sooo cold the next? How do you tear down a wall to let me in, only to build a gate in the next moment to keep me out....like WHAT IS THE POINT??? What do you gain by keeping me hanging on? Maybe your motive is to keep me benched for the small chance that one day you may need me...but the thing is...i'm no bench player and further more...i'm not interested in being a part of anyone's team!! If we're not playing one on one...I'm turning in my damn uniform homie!!

Just saying...

So remember that dreamy night I told yall about just last week? SM laying it all on the table? Grabbing my hand in an effort to comfort me...telling me he wanted the opportunity for us to date again?

Yea well i'm starting to think I imagined all that shit! Like where's the receipts? roll the damn tape because life before that alleged night and life after it has been eerily the same! When I got home that night he texted to make sure I had made it in safely. The next morning he texted "GM"  but as the days went on...we've spoken less and less. When we do speak it's usually me initiating contact and I swear fo gawd it's like pulling teeth to get more than two-word responses from him. Granted, he's never been one for many words...but after every justification I've given SM ...
I just can't anymore. Man or no man, quiet natured or not...when a person wants to talk to you...they make the effort to keep the conversation going...or initiate conversation! Every time we finish talking I have this sunken feeling in my stomach...and i'm pretty sure thats my intuition telling me that something just is not right. I think it's high time I start listening!!

Maybe he genuinely is struggling with his feelings or with the idea of commitment...and maybe he hasn't come to terms with this but I think that I just got a dose of realization big enough for the both of us! And that is :

 I'm just not what he wants. Point, blank and the entire period!

I'm starting to believe that he could be a million percent ready for a relationship and he'd still find a way to bullshit me and I just simply can't do it anymore. I literally don't have it in me to accept ANYTHING that's not the best because I know for a fact that I give my best and if I continue to allow him to withdrawal my best without him depositing his...i'll end up empty!

You know that feeling when it's the day before something is ending or someone you care about is going away and you're trying to remain happy and act like tomorrow isn't coming?? Well that's how I feel right now, how I feel when I talk to him...just morose...because deep down I know that things can't ever be simply how they were.. and in spite of the fact that it ending may be the best thing for you...it-just-sucks!

 It seems that my Sunday Morning is quickly becoming a Sunday Night and there ain't shit easy about that.

Sincerely,
Miss Fat & Bougie

Editor's Note:

A few days after I wrote this post, I pretty much summed these feelings up to SM. His response was pretty much that: in an effort to stop things from falling right back into the old pattern, he's tried to give me my space. but I mean... his over zealousness to be cautious is causing more harm than it is good because I feel myself being pushed away and my will to resist the push diminishes by the day. And while things have recovered a little bit since this post... to be honest I feel just about the same as I did when I first wrote this...I can't understand what's keeping him here...because I can't be what he wants...you don't treat the one that you find value in, like last Christmas' toy... ah well, C'est La Vie! (Such is life)

"The Dating Chronicles of a Fat Bougie Chick" The Intro Pt.1

Hey loves! So in an effort to introduce you guys to the heroine of the upcoming "Fat Bougie Chick" E-Novellas coming this summer to a ebook provider near you (check out that plug tho! lol) I will be releasing the first episode in parts on the blog. I really hope everyone is able to connect with Reina! Understand this, while Reina and I have a lot of similarities...I am not her and she is not me lol! Reina is a fictional character loosely based on me, some of my friends and women that i've come across. She is the "plus size every woman" of today. I hope that everyone will not just read but comment so that we can have some discussion about the character and things to come. Also It would mean everything to me if you would share the blog with people that you know! Share the link, your favorite quote...whatever!! let's open up the dialog about being a confident plus size woman and dating in the millennium. Anyway...here's part 1...I hope you enjoy.

Heeey! My name is Reina, Reina Lee. I am a 30 year old, single, childless, EX party girl. I’m a little sarcastic, slightly dramatic and most definitely Bougie! I didn’t always accept that about myself. In fact I spent many years studying the ways of the ever elusive "hood chick". I watched them up close in their habitat in hopes of adopting their rituals but for some reason or another it never really stuck. So somewhere around 25 I decided to own the beauty that was ‘bougie’ and I haven’t looked back since, here it is five years later and I could damn near teach a class on it! Most people frown upon the phrase though...they think that being bougie means that you’re stuck up or attitudey. They say that bougie girls think that they’re better than everyone else and that we act like our shit don’t stink. But I’m here to clarify a few things… It’s not that we think that we’re more than anyone else, we just know that we’re not less! And it has nothing to do with being conceited, it’s just a matter of having a standard set for ourselves that we refuse to go against, usually because years of being mistreated and unappreciated will for sure make a chick learn who she is and what she deserves! And furthermore it’s not that we  think that our shit don’t stink, we know that shit stinks…that’s why we just flat out refuse to do it! HA!

Now, about my visual because I know you’re sitting there thinking to yourself “How does this awesomely witty, raw and honest, appealing woman look.” (I hit it the nail right on the head didn’t I?) Well picture this: 5 foot 8 inches tall, bone straight hair that sweeps down my back, Light caramel complexion… looking like I was kissed by the 8 AM sun, and weighing in at a thick 140 pounds. With the waist of a school girl but the curvy hips of a Pepsi bottle, The booty and rack of your favorite video vixen, and virtually no stomach at all! I sound great don’t I? Too bad that bitch ain’t me!!

I mean don’t get me wrong…I’m not hating on anyone who does resemble that description it’s just that I get tired of being told and the message being sold that if I don’t look like that then I am less than attractive. Society can have a whole House of Representatives seat because that is straight malarkey!!! OK, as for the real deal... let me start off with the most important detail… I am beautiful! Period…point… blank! Not because I’ve been told a million times or because I get so much attention from the fellas but just because that’s the way I choose to see myself. And don’t get me wrong, I didn't always feel that way. In fact turning 30 had a lot to do with that awakening within myself. At some point I just got sick and tired of looking in the mirror and zooming in on the blemish that was developing on my cheek or the 3 hairs on my chin that were constantly harassing me! I got tired of policing my belly for new stretch marks and developing rolls. So one day I woke up and decided that when I looked in the mirror I’d instead focus in on the things that made me beautifully unique like my bright infectious smile or the dimple that plays peek-a-boo on my right cheek, I started to notice how my brown eyes would dance in the light and how cute my button nose really was! The day I became my own advocate instead of judge is the day that I found peace.

Ok so again, here I go: I’m 5’4 inches in stature which to me represents the average height for women but every now and then I’ll come across some hater trying to tell me that I am short…PHOOEY! Oh! And I am 299.9 pounds, the scale tries to convince me that I am 300 pounds but my scale is a dude…so clearly he lies! But see I’ve always measured my weight not by numbers but by the size jeans that I could squeeze into and currently I am on the edge of a size 20 jean...in stretch material, with a maternity waist band…so I’m feeling pretty damn good if I do say so myself! On the Candy scale of complexion I’d rate myself milk chocolate…maybe toffee (how fat is that?!) I use to be the spokesperson for the “fried, died and laid to the side” club but about two years ago I went Malcolm X on that ass and got me a fro and to be honest as tempting as its been to go back to that creamy crack and Outre Yaky, I’ve found that it is way more rewarding being able to love my hair in its natural state…as nappy as that may be! But i've found that the fellas are not always as inviting to change…and a lot of times I don’t blame the poor impressionable creatures! Men are competitive by nature so they only want what everyone else is chasing because to them that’s the way you measure success and since media tells them that European looks are what’s beautiful… me and my pro African ass could easily be overlooked. But don’t think for one second that I don’t believe that there are good, strong, foiine(fine), sexy, don’t live at home with they mommas, drive their own cars, disease free…wait, I digress …I know that there are good men out there who can appreciate a sister who is comfortable in her skin, kinks coils and all....

I'll be posting more of the intro on the first Wednesday of every month until the release of the series!! I hope you'll stay tuned!

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. The winner of this month's subscriber Give Away is :

Stephanie Pierre 

Please email me at quaniboyd@gmail.com to claim your $25 Starbucks Gift Card!!

Once a month I will be doing a give away for all of my subscribers so stay tuned for next month's prize!!

Easy Like...

So...evidently I've got a thing for men who are unavailable.

Now before you summons the towns people on me...I'm not talking about romantically unavailable. I personally don't think there's EVER an excuse to be creeping around with someone else's man. I hear women say all the time "She must not be doing something right" or "He's not happy at home" or my personal favorite "That's on him"...no, ma'am...I'm afraid its on you too! Lets forget about the fact that you're doing to another woman what you would be appalled if done to you, forget about the fact that you are helping to take away the chance for her to try and make her relationship work without any outside distractions...forget all of that! Let us focus on the fact that you are signing yourself up to only have a portion of a person...or that you most likely won't be treated to a standard of which you are worthy..or that you'll probably be hidden. Here's the thing...in order to be a side chick you have to share....and SHE(me!) does not share!! Interestingly enough though, I root for Olivia and Fitz's love on Scandal yet I LOATHE Amina and that damn Peter on Love and Hip Hop NY...so clearly I'm a riddle wrapped in an enigma or whateva... I know I may sound critical...but honestly it's less about other people's personal choices and more about my advocacy for self love and women knowing what they deserve.

As usual...I digress... the kind of unavailability that I'm referring to is of the emotional variety. It's like I subconsciously identify the unreadiness in men and it attracts me more. I have a penchant for chasing the impossible... and a gahdamn to that! Why can't I just be content with a simple, here's all my cards on the table kinda fellow? Instead I gotta Harriet the Spy these fool's intentions and emotions...and ain't NOBODY got time for that!! I've got to start reminding myself that easy isn't terrible...everything doesn't have to be a damn mission. If a man is ready it will show and if he's not..I'm learning to step back. That doesn't mean I need to give him an ultimatum or cut him off and it doesn't mean that I should sit around waiting for him to become ready!! I've done all of these things in the past and I honestly can't think of one time when it ended well. So what do I do? Well... I make peace with us just being friends until he has no more questions about what he wants/is ready for and we're both in a the place to pursue something more. The problem with this is that I can't guarantee that I'll be available when he finally does become ready because trust and believe I WILL be dating and living my life...and you can take that to the nearest bank and cash it!!

The right experience will get you all the way together! Seriously!

So not too long ago my ex and I saw each other after like a 3 month period. We went out on a date. We spoke on a Friday and he asked me out and as much as my hurt feelings and stubborn brain wanted to say "Sorry, I'm booked..." (in my kelly price voice) the apparent soft spot that I still have for him gave in, Imagine me, all weekend imagining what it would be like when we saw each other...would it be awkward...would I get my L.J. (Love Jones) moment. Oh and what would I wear? I needed to give off the impression that seeing him didn't matter that much... I decided to wear some black tights and a tee, a cardigan and some cute combat boots. Mostly because I was being lazy but also because I wanted my look to say "I'm here...but I'm not expecting too much." but I can't front...it wouldn't hurt if as I walked in front of him to our table he thought to himself as he looked at my booty "well...ghaaatdamn!" *tee hee hee*

But here's where a pimp got messed up...he got out of the car and (involuntarily of course) a smile went sweeping clear across my face and the ice around my heart started dripping away. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my Sunday Morning. I call him my Sunday Morning because he's easy like one. ( You all have permission to borrow that from me! Ha!) With him...everything was effortless. He did everything I could ask for in a man. He was consistent, attentive, fun, mature...the only thing He wasn't was ready! SM and I were together for a short period of time before he told me that he didn't feel like he was cut out for relationships. Initially I just cut my losses and kept it moving. but as time went on my heart just broke more and more. I was disappointed, I blamed myself and eventually I blamed his ass! So for months I walked around resentful and angry with him and it didn't seem to be getting any better with time, which is why I decided I needed to get some closure. So when I met up with him I made up my mind that that was exactly what I was going to get!

What changed everything was the fact that SM, from the very beginning of our date, was upfront. He didn't deny anything, he put it all on the table. He explained how he was feeling and admitted that he couldn't really make sense of the way he felt himself...it was just the way he felt. He told me how he felt about me and then...child... he grabbed my hand from across the table.....all that tough exterior was out the frickin window! My emotions were betraying me as it took every ounce of strength for me not to cry as I explained to him how much his decision had hurt me and how much he'd meant to me. Every insecurity I'd ever had about our relationship...I told him. But at the end of it all, one thing stood out and gave me the closure that I needed. I'd struggled with whether or not he'd ever really cared or was invested at all and I've been thinking about his response. Pretty much what he said was that the reason I couldn't see that I was special to him was because I was gauging how he treated me on my own ideals as opposed to his ability. He said "to someone else who knows me, they'd look at the fact that we were going out every week, and talked everyday and all the other things we did and know that you had to be special because I don't typically do those types of things with women that I date but to you that stuff was nothing because to your standard those things are to be expected" and all at once I felt like I understood him a little better...he was absolutely right. I couldn't even recognized his effort because according to my high standards and ideas the things that he was doing, he was suppose to do! I had dismissed his effort and the more I thought about it I realized that I had done the same to others in the past. I learned in that moment that I have to stop putting men on MY high pedestal of expectations. And NO, that does not mean that I will just accept anything from men...but I will be more understanding to their starting point and be willing to work with them.

By the end of the night everything about what I thought I'd felt had changed. and I was right back in...like I had never left. When I asked him what he wanted going forward, he said to date...but not to rush anything and I completely agreed. So for now that's where we are. I feel like I got my friend back...and if it's meant my Sunday Morning will get his shit together before it's too late but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around waiting for that day to come...so... here's to new dates and hope in love for 2014!

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. This is what he had the pleasure of looking at from across the table *hair flip* *giggles*

Damn you, Love Jones! (redemption post)

Why couldn't someone warn me that love and relationships aren't as simple and easy as in the Black classics like "Poetic Justice", "Love and Basketball" or my favorite "Love Jones"? Watching movies like this has had me thinking for years that in the end the man alllllways realizes his mistake in mistreating or leaving you and runs to where ever you are, panting deeply out of breath, gets down on one knee and begs your forgiveness.... so where's my run through the airport? where's my basketball game for my heart?! Where's my African prince living right above my beauty shop?!? I just want my redemption. I want my one happy ending that will make up for every rejection, every moment of depreciation, and every time I've had to re piece my heart's shattered parts back together with Elmer's glue because I was ill prepared for the brokenness! Unfortunately life has taught me that it just doesn't work that way most of the time. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I've spoken to an ex who told me he knew he'd made a huge mistake...but never even attempted to make up for it. No flowers and chocolate, no date...no redemption! Just a half ass "I'm sorry" that ain't hardly  a strong enough adhesive to help mend the brokenness! But each and every time, I smile and act like I'm stronger than I feel inside, and say "don't worry about it!" "The past is the past" knowing very well that the past has found a way of being my present for years!! Meanwhile he walks away feeling like he's made peace with the world and goes on to screw up another girl's life.( Harsh much?!? )

Yes, I've got issues.... I'm aware!

But a lot of this shit ain't mine to have...a lot of it belongs to the men who burdened me with them and for the longest time I've been trying to press the reset button with them in hopes that maybe a round two would remove the knot in the pit of my stomach that I get every time I remember that particular chapter of my life. What the heck is wrong with that logic though, besides everything? how could I possibly want to give someone a second chance who was hardly worth the first one??? If you were a selfish, self serving, arrogant debacle of a man then...there's a very small chance that anything has changed!

Without saying any names I had a run in with an ex boyfriend of mine over the summer. We'd began speaking again after talking on the phone one night for like 2 hours. Not surprisingly he complained about how unhappy he was in his current relationship, we reminisced about where we'd gone wrong and what we wish we could changed...and like the hopeless romantic that I am...I became hopeful that I'd get my redemption story at some point. I was really excited when he invited me to an event he was having because I hadn't seen him in years. I got to see some of his family and had his sister tell me that I was "one of his flyest girlfriends ever!" so naturally I was puffed up, proud that I'd made an impression and as much as I told my girlfriend's that it didn't mean much and that I wasn't moved...I was! I hoped that after all of the years that had passed I would get my "Love Jones" ending. A few days later we spoke and everything was cool.

Fast forward a couple of months and I'm at my friends and I's neighborhood "Lounge"...ok...it's a bar...but lounge sounds more sophisticated. Anywho, I'm chilling Diddy bopping to some random Drake song, drinking my drank and laughing with my girls when all of a sudden I glare across the room and guess who's standing there....no, not Idris Elba! guess again....YES, Mr. Nice guy! The reason I call him that is because he's always had a way of making you think that he was a much nicer person than he really is... because at the end of the day he had the same doggish, self serving ways as many men. I digress, I was excited to see him...that is until I watched him turn his head to act as if he hadn't seen me. I thought to myself...this has to be a mistake...why would he be so ignorant?

You ever zone everything else out while you're trying to get someones attention? Every time their head moves, yours move too...hoping that the sync in your energies will make them see you? no? me either....

Anyway eventually I realized why he was acting like he didn't see me...he was there with a girl. But I thought big deal! We were friends...nothing more... so why act weird to me? Eventually he couldn't avoid my glaring eyes anymore and I waved at him and giiirrrrl guess what he did.... that fool gave me the head nod! Biiiiisssssh! I damn near jumped off of my stool...but it was too crowded in there and I didn't wanna lose my seat or whateva...

So the evening progressed....me in the cool section with all my homies being cool  *blank stare* and him in the booth with his date AND peep this...the same sister that just months prior had deemed me the "flyest of em all" who was now acting as if I didn't exist. I grappled with the idea of being the bigger person, going over and saying hello ...but then I thought...hell no!! This is MY bar...my territory and if he wanted to act like I didn't exist...then that's what it was gonna be. So after a while I left without ever saying a word.

Just this week I had a talk with myself about Mr. Nice guy, after seeing on his Instagram page that he and mystery date girl are now apparently deep in love... I realized something. The only times we've ever talked about "us" was when he was in some relationship that he was unhappy with but when the time came for him to be able to actually do something about it, like take me out or step up to show me that he'd changed...he never would. So I took a moment and I "therapatized" myself...I had to come to terms with the fact that he's all talk. I'm not going to get my redemption moment and further more I didn't need my redemption moment...maybe that terrible memory knot in the pit of my stomach would never go away and maybe that was ok...because that knot reminds me constantly what not to stand for...it reminds me of what i survived and the fears Ive conquered. Mostly it reminds me of the kind of man I should never settle for...even when the brokenness in me tries to convince me that that's all I deserve. I might have to live with that knot forever...but that has to be better than wanting to be with someone I don't even want anymore solely to rewrite my past... rewriting my past, rewrites me...and I'm cool with the story that I'm becoming!

Make no mistake! I still want my "Love Jones" moment...just not with his ass! Belee Dat!