Sunday Night...

I don't understand men!

And it only took me 31 years to be able to admit it to myself. Why is that men are always trying to paint the woman as the unstable, emotion driven, confusing one? I mean...sure we're good for an emotional variety pack from time to time and love to be mushy with the ones we care about.

But my man...you gotta know that you're the most indecisive, illogical, biased creature on the planet Earth and dear I say it...In the universe!! How, you ask?

Glad you asked...

So i've wrestled with whether or not I should write an update so soon after meeting up with SM. As I write this, it's been a little over a week since I met up with him for our "date" and the truth is...by the time these posts come out I could easily be feeling another way but here's the thing, I vowed to be transparent and put it all out there when I decided to do this blog...it's the only way that I can make it work for me. The one thing that you can be sure of in following this blog is that it's allllways going to be 1000% me. No covering up, no preserving my "image"... you can expect all truth!!

This will most likely be a short post but I just have to ask...what is even the point? I honestly am so confused... is that even allowed at 31? shouldn't I have my crap together by at least 75% at this age? No, seriously...someone tell me! Because it seems like the older I get...the less I know! Especially about the effing male species!! How can you be so hot one day and sooo cold the next? How do you tear down a wall to let me in, only to build a gate in the next moment to keep me out....like WHAT IS THE POINT??? What do you gain by keeping me hanging on? Maybe your motive is to keep me benched for the small chance that one day you may need me...but the thing is...i'm no bench player and further more...i'm not interested in being a part of anyone's team!! If we're not playing one on one...I'm turning in my damn uniform homie!!

Just saying...

So remember that dreamy night I told yall about just last week? SM laying it all on the table? Grabbing my hand in an effort to comfort me...telling me he wanted the opportunity for us to date again?

Yea well i'm starting to think I imagined all that shit! Like where's the receipts? roll the damn tape because life before that alleged night and life after it has been eerily the same! When I got home that night he texted to make sure I had made it in safely. The next morning he texted "GM"  but as the days went on...we've spoken less and less. When we do speak it's usually me initiating contact and I swear fo gawd it's like pulling teeth to get more than two-word responses from him. Granted, he's never been one for many words...but after every justification I've given SM ...
I just can't anymore. Man or no man, quiet natured or not...when a person wants to talk to you...they make the effort to keep the conversation going...or initiate conversation! Every time we finish talking I have this sunken feeling in my stomach...and i'm pretty sure thats my intuition telling me that something just is not right. I think it's high time I start listening!!

Maybe he genuinely is struggling with his feelings or with the idea of commitment...and maybe he hasn't come to terms with this but I think that I just got a dose of realization big enough for the both of us! And that is :

 I'm just not what he wants. Point, blank and the entire period!

I'm starting to believe that he could be a million percent ready for a relationship and he'd still find a way to bullshit me and I just simply can't do it anymore. I literally don't have it in me to accept ANYTHING that's not the best because I know for a fact that I give my best and if I continue to allow him to withdrawal my best without him depositing his...i'll end up empty!

You know that feeling when it's the day before something is ending or someone you care about is going away and you're trying to remain happy and act like tomorrow isn't coming?? Well that's how I feel right now, how I feel when I talk to him...just morose...because deep down I know that things can't ever be simply how they were.. and in spite of the fact that it ending may be the best thing for you...it-just-sucks!

 It seems that my Sunday Morning is quickly becoming a Sunday Night and there ain't shit easy about that.

Sincerely,
Miss Fat & Bougie

Editor's Note:

A few days after I wrote this post, I pretty much summed these feelings up to SM. His response was pretty much that: in an effort to stop things from falling right back into the old pattern, he's tried to give me my space. but I mean... his over zealousness to be cautious is causing more harm than it is good because I feel myself being pushed away and my will to resist the push diminishes by the day. And while things have recovered a little bit since this post... to be honest I feel just about the same as I did when I first wrote this...I can't understand what's keeping him here...because I can't be what he wants...you don't treat the one that you find value in, like last Christmas' toy... ah well, C'est La Vie! (Such is life)