Storytime - Quani's SophistiRatchet 33rd

Oh what a night!
(We'll discuss this interesting fellow next time)

So here's how it all  went down. 

First let me say this... everything that COULD go wrong that week DID!

And while i'm at it, can I just say that New York traffic laws are formed in the oven of satan!!

Picture it..

It's the Wednesday before Qday  (my Birthday) and I'm driving through lower Manhattan. Whipping it because you know, I'm a G. So there I am in my 99 Oldsmobile Cutlass looking like a scene out of "Friday" trying my damndest not to chase down a cabbie and taze him for cutting me off. I go to make a turn on Madison Avenue and next thing I know Jake and his two homies (the police) done signaled me to pull over. 

I'm annoyed but I stay calm knowing that they're probably just targeting me because I'm a young Black playa in a foreign whip (just go with it). So they all come over to my car... which by the way already has all the windows down because you know, outside IS my air conditioning. #teamnoACinthisBih

But she digresses. So I ask why I'm being pulled over and they inform me that it's because in New York it is illegal to make a turn while the pedestrian is still crossing the street. In my head I'm like

" what the hell?! This is blatant racism or fatcism or girlcism. It's got to be one of the Cisms because there's no way on hell that that's a real life law!".

But I keep my composure, give them my info and go to my Zen place in my mind... Cheesecake Factory on free cheesecake day, as I chant "321...123...What the hell is bothering me?" ( 5 monopoly dollars for whomever can name the 90's sitcom that is from). Well, after about hmmm a good 7.5 minutes ( I may or may not have been counting) I'm awaken from my Cheesecake Factory happy place by sirens of another cop car jetting across traffic to cut in front of my car. And suddenly there are SIX, yes...you heard motha, SIX cops surrounding my car. 

You know...for like 26 seconds I thought that maybe I'd forgotten about the keys and bricks and birds (all drug references because I'm about that life) that I had in my trunk. But then I snapped out of it and remembered that my bitch ass won't even sneak into a movie, let alone be a damn trap queen (am I using that term correctly?). Anywho, they ask me to step out of the car and the punk in me is ready to just lay down and die where I stand but I'm thinking "Quani don't give them the satisfaction!" So I put on my Ice Cube grit and and ask "for what?!" They inform me that my driving privileges are suspended in the state of NY due to a ticket from quite a few years back and proceed to handcuff a baby G! Girl! All at once my whole world collides! Who's gonna wear my cute birthday dress? I think. Am I gonna have to skip Atlanta? I worry. Will I miss the season premiere of Empire?! I ponder.

Child by the time they sit me in the back of that car I gaze out of the window at all of the free White people in their fancy business suits or taking their dogs for walks like its not 11 in the morning and the water works begin!! I mean I cried like I'd found the perfect wide width, strappy, block heel, in every color and size 9 was the only size missing! I cried like Haagan Daaz stopped making Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream! I cried like I do when I watch Queen Latifah die in "Set it Off"! So much so that the cop sitting in the back with me tries to comfort me. But honey, there was no comforting me in that moment.

Once at the station they put me in a jail cell with a man whom I was sure was gonna flash me when the cops turned around, who legit only knew like 4 English words, and seemed to have an affinity for plush, Black girls who are made of prayers and magic! Which naturally made me cry even more. I felt so demeaned. I seriously was offended that they'd treat a traffic ticket with the same voracity that they would whatever Flashing Frank was being charged with. I thought for half a second of just giving up on trying to do shit the  right way! I got tired of of what seemed like a never ending ditch. I mean, I know that in many ways I created my own roadblocks but I work VERY hard to be accountable and to clear them and sometimes they just pop up like a herpe! So for a moment I felt extremely defeated, I just didn't want to hope anymore or have faith in anything or dream. I honestly just wanted to die. Not physically, but spiritually. I reasoned that perhaps it would just be easier to let the waves of life and circumstance push me where ever it pleased. And it's not even that it was that big of a deal but it felt like that feather that landed ever so gently on the pile of boulders on my back.

But that's the thing about resilience. The shit just won't let you acquiesce to life. It's like the smelling salts that will wake you whether u want to be up or not! So I spent the next two hours visualizing the future I desire, the future I deserve. I imagined how happy I'd be on my Birthday, I dreamed about my launch day for my new website...I thought of all the reasons I had to fight the hell back! To keep hoping and pushing and dreaming and before I knew it they were telling me I could go home.

They couldn't tell me in detail what had come up in the system to make them arrest me and said this it could all be a computer error. Trust me, I was pissed and annoyed but I decided that it was up to me to decide how I internalized what had happened and made a choice to see it as an alert from God to get more on top of things and be more proactive.

The next day I paid off a 3 year old ticket and went about planning my birthday... and boy was it an interesting one!

Light & Love,

Quani

iQ (transparency post): Let me count the ways

So a bish turned 33 today... it's hard to explain what that feels like at this moment. Like I'm damn near 30 but somehow I feel heavy and rooted and aged like fine wine...as if I've lived twice as long. Its a quite perplexing yet fulfilling seat to sit in.

Ive been spending some time thinking about the best way to spend my next year in gratitude because I'm gonna be honest...I never thought i'd live this long. I spent a lot of years living in worry of EVERY little thing! and premature death was one of those things...so if you follow me on social media networks you know that I am always over celebrating because I am just genuinely grateful for my life. My path has been a mixture of roses and thorns, mountains and valleys, deserts and oasis' and I count it ALL joy!

With that in mind, I figured a great way to relaunch my blog with it's new expanded content would be to introduce "iQ" an intimate section of my blog where I can be transparent about my struggles, low moments and personal issues in hopes that it will encourage someone else to remember that it's OK to not always get it right! Life still goes on and your wins are coming! I am committed this year to just living a lot more unfiltered and unmuted. I'm going to live and thrive and bask in my truth and those who that is for will appreciate it and everyone else will just have to deal. Mkkkay!?

I want to express gratitude today because I didn't always think I would survive my challenges. Ive messed up a lot and had a lot of messed up things happen to me. I grew up fast, too fast. You know how if a bone is broken sometimes the doctors will rebreak it if it grows too fast because it heals wrong? That's the sum of my twenties. Rebreak after rebreak after rebreak! I had to learn as I went along. I mismanaged friendships because my relationship with myself caused me to seek out unhealthy connections and to sometimes be an unhealthy friend. I mismanaged money because coming up I didn't have the proper example of a healthy relationship to money and due to that, mixed with irresponsibility, selfishness and sometimes just plain ol bad luck I have been evicted TWICE in my life and  lost a car. A couple of year ago I would have never admitted that because my self worth was directly connected to the amount of things I did "Right" in my life but I understand now that my worth is so much bigger than that. I've shut love out of my life and pushed my family and friends away at different points of my life out of my deep fear of rejection. I lived a very isolated life for a very long time, so afraid of being vulnerable. But I've also been damaged by people with bad (and sometimes good) intentions toward me, dogged out by the very ones I would have literally taken bullets for, lost jobs and other material things that I had worked very hard for and had done all the "right" things to keep and STILL had them snatched away from me. I have known loss very well! So much so, that it became my comfort on some level... my place of familiarity...the one thing I could rely on showing up. So I continued to manifest more and more of it in my life.

I'm telling all of that to show you why I feel so blessed today. There are so many great things in my life, that according to someone else I might just not be deserving of. I have hope for my future, my resilient heart continues to believe in love and the innate goodness in people. I've got some damn good friends, I have my family back in my life, I get up and look in the mirror and genuinely smile from the inside out. I'm at peace in my skin and I know SO clearly how hard of a thing that is to obtain. I'm no longer imprisoned in my mind, a victim of other peoples opinions. I don't have to fear being misunderstood because I understand that my intention is all that matters. I can walk out of the house on any given day with a raw face and a bald head and not feel the need to retreat. I have been blessed with an unconditional love and acceptance of myself as a result of the very things that hurt me so badly in the past. what a miracle!!

But most of all I have found God! I spent many years convinced that God was behind some veil that I could only get to through the crowd of "more worthy" people who were protecting that veil. Then, 3 years ago I read "Super Rich" by Russell Simmons and sat on my balcony one day, completely broken down... face and heart full of tears, on the edge of giving up on my spirituality all together and prayed and told God that if He were real I needed him to show me, I no longer wanted other peoples interpretation of Him...I wanted the authentic truth of who He was and who I was in Him. God heard me. I'm sure of that. and my life on the inside and my relationship with myself changed from that day forward. What was certainly dead inside of me was resurrected. No one knows that place of despair I was in, so no one will ever understand why I am so appreciative and assured in God now.

I'm a rich woman! Rich with hope and faith, peace and joy, love and empathy, vision and purpose, drive and ambition, resilience and tenacity, charity and so much forgiveness for myself and for others. I don't care what anyone else thinks...THIS is what its all about and some people leave this world never grasping that.

33 starts a brand new chapter for me. I know it does...and this one won't be a story of rising from ashes and it wont be one of having to pick myself up off of the ground. It will be a story of wins! a story of trophies! A story of abundance and grace. I just know it...

 




Thanks for reading,

I,Quani

Dating While Fat...(top 10 issues)

To date, my top 10 do's and dont's of online dating has been my most read post and with that in mind I'd decided I would do more top 10 lists because they get right to the point and they're fun! This week I wanted to discuss some of the issues, concerns, annoyances, etc. of Dating While Fat (DWF). I think the "unfat" take for granted the sorts of things that might come into play for a fattie when she is considering dating or in the process.

So allow me to take a moment to vent as well as let y'all in on a few of my quips and such. Now before I get a bunch of email's insisting that the things Ive listed aren't really issues...let me clarify and say that the ideas and concerns you may find in the list are completely and thoroughly MY opinion and MY own personal issues! So here we go...

Fat Bougie Chicks Top 10 DWF issues

• 10. Choosing a restaurant for a date: So he asks "Where would you like to go?" and I begin to contemplate a few things... What I want to say is "Cheesecake Factory" because they give you ALL the food in their portion sizes...Not to mention the Red Velvet Cheesecake Hunty! But instead I say "I mean...it doesn't really matter...we can go walk in the park or go bowling...you know... I already ate" (Lie). There was I time when I used to think like this but now I be like "Bruh...where's the closest Cheesecake Factory?! I needs that Shrimp Scampi with extra sauce in my life!" Because there is no profit in faking the funk! 
• 9. Going to the Movies for a Date: Don't you dare act like you don't understand this struggle.. there y'all are, especially if he's a big dude too, sitting next to one another in them baby ass movie theater seats looking like two jumbo sized marshmallows squished together trying to share one arm rest! Nah dude...if you want to take me to the movies...we're going to the movie tavern with the extra large, reclining seats so my booty can be free!
• 8. Overly Physical dates: Now my idea of a high energy date is bowling...perhaps skating. But every now and then you get one who's all like "Hey lets go rock climbing" "Oh we should go on a hike" and to that I respond " errruum...are you trying to watch me die?!" I say chose a date where you'll be able to be comfortable and give him a glimpse of your true self.
• 7. Blind Dates: Although blind dates are a endangered species these days due to social media being over saturated with selfies and what not, there are still some variables that you have look out for. If he refuses to smile in any of his pictures...you may want to inquire on the status of his teeth count. And if every picture is just another angle of his face...ask for a full body pic. And if it is YOU who is being deceptive...you might as well come clean girl because there is no way you are gonna fool him into believing you look like Lauren London once he sees you up-close and personal! I try to send my most straight forward pictures because no one has time for misunderstandings. I remember going on a blind date when I was like 20...I was home on break from college and had been introduced to a guy through a mutual friend. Well I decided I'd meet him down the block from my house, for safety reasons, and as I waited for him to pull up in a black tinted car after waiting like 30 minutes in the dead of winter, my nipples turned to ice ..one pulled up. He rolled down the window and asked "Are you Quani" to which I replied "Yes" at which point he rolled the window back and up and pulled the hell off! A few days later I spoke to him and he explained that I didn't look like what he'd been told I would. Mostly because he didn't expect me to be a fattie. Now without a doubt he was a F&@k boy...but I'll admit that there was more that I could've done to be more specific about how I looked too. Just be real girl...if he likes you, it won't matter...Unless you have teeth like a construction site...then you should probably get that together first.(Joke)
• 6. Skinny Men: For the life of me , I can't figure out why really thin men seem to flock to big girls...I think its because they're trying to prove something and sometimes we're trying to prove something as well! I just say be clear about both his and your intentions.
• 5. Meeting the Family: I always dread meeting my guy's family because either they've never seen him bring home a big girl or he always bring home big girls. So either the family has this smirk on their face when you walk in and you overhear comments like " You loooove you some big girls, don't you!" or you get the stares like you're in an exhibit at the damn zoo! "Oh my, a real life fattie...in our home" That's why I think it is super important to be confident in who you are before moving to this step! You should walk into the room with your presence speaking so loudly that the last thing they notice is your size!
• 4. Taking your clothes off: Now here's the struggle with this...girl you can't be girdled from your neck to your ankles all day, everyday and then you decide to take it to the next level and without warning all at once you introduce him to every roll on your body! Introduce him slowly...one roll at a time, I say! lol No but seriously...if you don't feel comfortable enough to share your body insecurities with him, than you're probably not ready to share your body with him.
• 3. "Is it because I'm fat" Syndrome: You've been dating this man for months and everything is good...but every time something questionable happens you blame your being fat. STOP IT girl! Your fatness is not a secret to him...he is well aware that it's there. So quit acting like any time a little tension arises he suddenly discovers your milkshake! The Milkshake is what brought him to the yard in the first place!
• 2. Skinny Friends: I can't begin to tell you how many times an acquaintance has said to me "You're always going on dates, yet I can't seem to find anyone" Biiiish! what exactly does that mean!? Be weary of those chicks...who think that you being a fattie make you less deserving of a love life than them. But I don't get annoyed anymore...now I just respond by saying "Maybe you should eat something..." *insert hair flip*
• 1. Beware the BBW Chaser:  You know him! He brags about liking his women big like its some sort of damn badge! He asks to touch your rolls, He tries to feed you constantly, He consistently makes reference to your fat in a sexual way...he views you as a fetish. If you're looking for fun...perhaps that cool...But if you're looking for love...that's going to get old real quick!!Be sure to find out if he's in it for the fetish or because he genuinely likes who you are!

Hope you enjoyed my tips! Above all...take chances, buy into who you are, own your identity and have fun!

Light and Love,

Miss Fat & Bougie