So a bish turned 33 today... it's hard to explain what that feels like at this moment. Like I'm damn near 30 but somehow I feel heavy and rooted and aged like fine wine...as if I've lived twice as long. Its a quite perplexing yet fulfilling seat to sit in.
Ive been spending some time thinking about the best way to spend my next year in gratitude because I'm gonna be honest...I never thought i'd live this long. I spent a lot of years living in worry of EVERY little thing! and premature death was one of those things...so if you follow me on social media networks you know that I am always over celebrating because I am just genuinely grateful for my life. My path has been a mixture of roses and thorns, mountains and valleys, deserts and oasis' and I count it ALL joy!
With that in mind, I figured a great way to relaunch my blog with it's new expanded content would be to introduce "iQ" an intimate section of my blog where I can be transparent about my struggles, low moments and personal issues in hopes that it will encourage someone else to remember that it's OK to not always get it right! Life still goes on and your wins are coming! I am committed this year to just living a lot more unfiltered and unmuted. I'm going to live and thrive and bask in my truth and those who that is for will appreciate it and everyone else will just have to deal. Mkkkay!?
I want to express gratitude today because I didn't always think I would survive my challenges. Ive messed up a lot and had a lot of messed up things happen to me. I grew up fast, too fast. You know how if a bone is broken sometimes the doctors will rebreak it if it grows too fast because it heals wrong? That's the sum of my twenties. Rebreak after rebreak after rebreak! I had to learn as I went along. I mismanaged friendships because my relationship with myself caused me to seek out unhealthy connections and to sometimes be an unhealthy friend. I mismanaged money because coming up I didn't have the proper example of a healthy relationship to money and due to that, mixed with irresponsibility, selfishness and sometimes just plain ol bad luck I have been evicted TWICE in my life and lost a car. A couple of year ago I would have never admitted that because my self worth was directly connected to the amount of things I did "Right" in my life but I understand now that my worth is so much bigger than that. I've shut love out of my life and pushed my family and friends away at different points of my life out of my deep fear of rejection. I lived a very isolated life for a very long time, so afraid of being vulnerable. But I've also been damaged by people with bad (and sometimes good) intentions toward me, dogged out by the very ones I would have literally taken bullets for, lost jobs and other material things that I had worked very hard for and had done all the "right" things to keep and STILL had them snatched away from me. I have known loss very well! So much so, that it became my comfort on some level... my place of familiarity...the one thing I could rely on showing up. So I continued to manifest more and more of it in my life.
I'm telling all of that to show you why I feel so blessed today. There are so many great things in my life, that according to someone else I might just not be deserving of. I have hope for my future, my resilient heart continues to believe in love and the innate goodness in people. I've got some damn good friends, I have my family back in my life, I get up and look in the mirror and genuinely smile from the inside out. I'm at peace in my skin and I know SO clearly how hard of a thing that is to obtain. I'm no longer imprisoned in my mind, a victim of other peoples opinions. I don't have to fear being misunderstood because I understand that my intention is all that matters. I can walk out of the house on any given day with a raw face and a bald head and not feel the need to retreat. I have been blessed with an unconditional love and acceptance of myself as a result of the very things that hurt me so badly in the past. what a miracle!!
But most of all I have found God! I spent many years convinced that God was behind some veil that I could only get to through the crowd of "more worthy" people who were protecting that veil. Then, 3 years ago I read "Super Rich" by Russell Simmons and sat on my balcony one day, completely broken down... face and heart full of tears, on the edge of giving up on my spirituality all together and prayed and told God that if He were real I needed him to show me, I no longer wanted other peoples interpretation of Him...I wanted the authentic truth of who He was and who I was in Him. God heard me. I'm sure of that. and my life on the inside and my relationship with myself changed from that day forward. What was certainly dead inside of me was resurrected. No one knows that place of despair I was in, so no one will ever understand why I am so appreciative and assured in God now.
I'm a rich woman! Rich with hope and faith, peace and joy, love and empathy, vision and purpose, drive and ambition, resilience and tenacity, charity and so much forgiveness for myself and for others. I don't care what anyone else thinks...THIS is what its all about and some people leave this world never grasping that.
33 starts a brand new chapter for me. I know it does...and this one won't be a story of rising from ashes and it wont be one of having to pick myself up off of the ground. It will be a story of wins! a story of trophies! A story of abundance and grace. I just know it...
Thanks for reading,
I,Quani
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