Damn you, Love Jones! (redemption post)

Why couldn't someone warn me that love and relationships aren't as simple and easy as in the Black classics like "Poetic Justice", "Love and Basketball" or my favorite "Love Jones"? Watching movies like this has had me thinking for years that in the end the man alllllways realizes his mistake in mistreating or leaving you and runs to where ever you are, panting deeply out of breath, gets down on one knee and begs your forgiveness.... so where's my run through the airport? where's my basketball game for my heart?! Where's my African prince living right above my beauty shop?!? I just want my redemption. I want my one happy ending that will make up for every rejection, every moment of depreciation, and every time I've had to re piece my heart's shattered parts back together with Elmer's glue because I was ill prepared for the brokenness! Unfortunately life has taught me that it just doesn't work that way most of the time. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I've spoken to an ex who told me he knew he'd made a huge mistake...but never even attempted to make up for it. No flowers and chocolate, no date...no redemption! Just a half ass "I'm sorry" that ain't hardly  a strong enough adhesive to help mend the brokenness! But each and every time, I smile and act like I'm stronger than I feel inside, and say "don't worry about it!" "The past is the past" knowing very well that the past has found a way of being my present for years!! Meanwhile he walks away feeling like he's made peace with the world and goes on to screw up another girl's life.( Harsh much?!? )

Yes, I've got issues.... I'm aware!

But a lot of this shit ain't mine to have...a lot of it belongs to the men who burdened me with them and for the longest time I've been trying to press the reset button with them in hopes that maybe a round two would remove the knot in the pit of my stomach that I get every time I remember that particular chapter of my life. What the heck is wrong with that logic though, besides everything? how could I possibly want to give someone a second chance who was hardly worth the first one??? If you were a selfish, self serving, arrogant debacle of a man then...there's a very small chance that anything has changed!

Without saying any names I had a run in with an ex boyfriend of mine over the summer. We'd began speaking again after talking on the phone one night for like 2 hours. Not surprisingly he complained about how unhappy he was in his current relationship, we reminisced about where we'd gone wrong and what we wish we could changed...and like the hopeless romantic that I am...I became hopeful that I'd get my redemption story at some point. I was really excited when he invited me to an event he was having because I hadn't seen him in years. I got to see some of his family and had his sister tell me that I was "one of his flyest girlfriends ever!" so naturally I was puffed up, proud that I'd made an impression and as much as I told my girlfriend's that it didn't mean much and that I wasn't moved...I was! I hoped that after all of the years that had passed I would get my "Love Jones" ending. A few days later we spoke and everything was cool.

Fast forward a couple of months and I'm at my friends and I's neighborhood "Lounge"...ok...it's a bar...but lounge sounds more sophisticated. Anywho, I'm chilling Diddy bopping to some random Drake song, drinking my drank and laughing with my girls when all of a sudden I glare across the room and guess who's standing there....no, not Idris Elba! guess again....YES, Mr. Nice guy! The reason I call him that is because he's always had a way of making you think that he was a much nicer person than he really is... because at the end of the day he had the same doggish, self serving ways as many men. I digress, I was excited to see him...that is until I watched him turn his head to act as if he hadn't seen me. I thought to myself...this has to be a mistake...why would he be so ignorant?

You ever zone everything else out while you're trying to get someones attention? Every time their head moves, yours move too...hoping that the sync in your energies will make them see you? no? me either....

Anyway eventually I realized why he was acting like he didn't see me...he was there with a girl. But I thought big deal! We were friends...nothing more... so why act weird to me? Eventually he couldn't avoid my glaring eyes anymore and I waved at him and giiirrrrl guess what he did.... that fool gave me the head nod! Biiiiisssssh! I damn near jumped off of my stool...but it was too crowded in there and I didn't wanna lose my seat or whateva...

So the evening progressed....me in the cool section with all my homies being cool  *blank stare* and him in the booth with his date AND peep this...the same sister that just months prior had deemed me the "flyest of em all" who was now acting as if I didn't exist. I grappled with the idea of being the bigger person, going over and saying hello ...but then I thought...hell no!! This is MY bar...my territory and if he wanted to act like I didn't exist...then that's what it was gonna be. So after a while I left without ever saying a word.

Just this week I had a talk with myself about Mr. Nice guy, after seeing on his Instagram page that he and mystery date girl are now apparently deep in love... I realized something. The only times we've ever talked about "us" was when he was in some relationship that he was unhappy with but when the time came for him to be able to actually do something about it, like take me out or step up to show me that he'd changed...he never would. So I took a moment and I "therapatized" myself...I had to come to terms with the fact that he's all talk. I'm not going to get my redemption moment and further more I didn't need my redemption moment...maybe that terrible memory knot in the pit of my stomach would never go away and maybe that was ok...because that knot reminds me constantly what not to stand for...it reminds me of what i survived and the fears Ive conquered. Mostly it reminds me of the kind of man I should never settle for...even when the brokenness in me tries to convince me that that's all I deserve. I might have to live with that knot forever...but that has to be better than wanting to be with someone I don't even want anymore solely to rewrite my past... rewriting my past, rewrites me...and I'm cool with the story that I'm becoming!

Make no mistake! I still want my "Love Jones" moment...just not with his ass! Belee Dat!