Check Please!!

And put it all on his tab!

So If you follow me on "The Gram" (insert cool emoji) then you probably heard a little about my date from hell a couple of months ago. I wanted so badly to write about it immediately, while everything was still fresh but I was very much so resisting the idea of doing this blog so I just put it on the back burner.

But NO FEAR!! That damn date was so bad... I still remember it like it was yesterday honeychild! Let's start from the beginning I met him on this online dating site...that shall remain nameless...unless of course they wanna pay me to promote their asses! (Ha they zooin!?) Here's the scoop.. A couple of years ago I decided I didn't want to close myself off from any potential opportunities to meet "Mr. Right" so I researched a couple of dating sites and took the plunge into the online dating pool....my overall experience has been entertaining for sure...but i've only ever ran into "Mr. Right's" cousins: "Mr. Left", "Mr. hell naw", and "Mr. you've got to kidding" but make no mistakes I have grown and learned a lot about myself in the process which is why I always advocate for online dating...as long as it's done right! I get messages from Plus size women all the time asking me how to go about dating more...and I always suggest online dating because I think we limit ourselves to our small worlds too much and never know what amazing person we may be missing out on because he/she does not live on our block or work at our job. Here's the thing...you may have to kiss (figuritively of course...dont be putting your lips on every tom, DICK, and Harry...oop!) a few frogs first but if you're lucky, you'll come across a prince! But don't get it twisted because there are indeed levels to this shit! and for that reason I will probably write a post about the do's and don'ts of online dating because what you don't wanna do...is book a date with the craigslist killer...the answer is NO chillle!

 Anywho...this is one of the one's who didn't make it off of my "Do not respond to his message" checklist...but I was in the holiday spirit and decided to go against my better sense!

So it went like this, it was the beginning of November I think... I had just decided to reactivate my account , after the break up with SM and I got a message from this guy, who for all intents and purposes we'll call "Mr. Oceans 11"(we'll get back to that later). Now the first thing I usually do when I get a message is go on their profile to check out a few things like:

1.  Age because after the breakup I decided I would no longer date younger men because clearly we can't see eye to eye...well Mr. OE was 26 which was under my "30 and up" age cap (strike one).
2.  I also check to see if they drive, well because I'm not picking up no grown ass stranger from their house...safety first! 
3.  I check to see if they have children because dating someone who has children can get tricky...one is ok...but 3 and 4...You need to take that date money and start a college fund or whatever! 
4. I check religion because i'm not trying to be converted at a damn TGIFridays! 
5. and lastly I read their profile info because 9 times out of 10 if a man couldn't take 5 minutes to write a description about himself...it indicates that he's not on there for anything legit...or he can't spell...and i'll be damned if i'm going on a date with someone who starts off their profile by saying "Hi you doing?"...really...is that really what you learned when you repeated 1st grade??? 

Girl!! I could talk forever about my online dating experiences...but for now ima focus on Mr. OE (sidenote Mr. OE is hilarious to me because it makes me think of Poetic Justice, when Justice and Iesha is in the gas station store and Iesha shouts out to the cashier "Y'all ain't got no Old E?!" ...I know that's random as hell but me and my friends LIVE for a black classic movie!)

Anywho, So after looking at MR. OE's profile I returned to his message and as gently as I could I declined talking to him any further, explaining in my reply that he was too young for me. Of course he persisted telling me that he was not your "typical 26 year old" and that I should just give him one chance to take me out, etc. For the life of me, I don't know why I didn't follow my God given instinct. Eventually we exchanged numbers so that we could plan a date. well for a week this man sent the most sporadic texts to me...just random "what's up" texts (which I hate!) but it all came to a head as one evening at mmmm let's say 12:30 am...this young man decided that he would text me asking "what you doing? can I see you?" ...................

I'm legit getting annoyed right now, just writing about it!

Needless to say that conversation ended with a very calm "Lose my damn number". But the next day he text me apologizing profusely, blaming his temporary insanity on a "bad day" for which I replied "oh...ok..." (with the most sarcastic of undertones) again he begged to take me out and even informed me that if everything went well I could spend thanksgiving with his family...what in thee feathery fuck?! (Strike two!) He was just too pressed. Now don't get me wrong...I loves me a persistent man, one who is not afraid to show me that i'm what he wants but when you're planning our one year wedding anniversary before we've even met... my Spidey senses kick in like a mug!

Fast forward a couple of weeks , it's now the beginning of December and we've finally set a date. He texts and informs me that we'll be going to Chaamps sports bar and grill. I'm initially slightly annoyed by the fact that he didnt even ask me where I wanted to go but then I decide i'd give him brownie points for taking initiative! I text him before im leaving out to let him know that it will only take me about 10 minutes to get to the restaurant and to see if he'd be on time...he assures me that he will be! I asked that negro if he needed extra time...I really did...
but guess the hell what...Quani arrives and a few moments later receive a text "Im on my way" I was irritated instantaneously but decided that I would give him a grace period because a pimp like me ALWAYS needs a grace period!!! Well about another 20 minutes go by, I'm sitting in my car on froze because my hooptie (a car who's only functionality is to get you from point A to point B) is "Heat Not Included" (the struggle!)...me and my shivering finger tips decided it was time to deem this date a fail! Mr. OE had just received strike 3! I wouldve just up and left without telling him...but come on son... a big girl has gots to get her eat on...judge if you must...

Finally I get the call that he's inside...so I get out of my car and slam the door real hard...a little because i'm pissed but mostly bc you gotta slam it or the bitch won't close...then I sashay my bougie self into the restaurant like I just got out of a 2014 Benz. I find Mr. OE standing at the entrance talking to someone he knows. First thought on him? i'll start with the positive...He was tall....... and that's all ima say because you know the saying... if you don't have anything nice to say... just group text it to your girls! So I greet him and we're escorted to our seats. Waitress comes and yall...my man trys to order for me!! Ummmm 1963 called...and it wants it's dating etiquette back! So after assuring him I could read the menu just fine we start talking....now here is where I don't even know where to start, there's soooo much that went wrong with this conversation so in an effort to expedite your shock, i've prepared a bullet point summary of our conversation:

• He once again informed me that I would be spending the Christmas holiday with him and his family
• He told me that i'd be in love within a week
• Informed me that he had a stalker who was in fact calling him as we waited for our appetizers (damn right I ordered an appetizer!!)
• He shared with me that he'd attended Lincoln University...which is the rival school of my college...so boo to that!
• He encouraged me to put all my "secrets"on the table so that he could decide if they were too much for him and when I disagreed with his logic he went on to try and convince me that I should see thing his way
• He threatened that if I sent back my less than appetizing dish he would send his back too because "we are a unit"....his words, not mine!
• He told me that he had a son...who he interestingly enough excluded from his profile! (strike 26!)
• Furthermore he shared that his son's mother was taking all of his money for child support which had forced him to move out of his place and back home with his momma

- let's pause for the cause...now one thing I don't do is judge a man on the material things he may or may not possess...adulthood is hard and anyone under 30 should have a reset option if need be. Now a 40 year old still at home with mom...no maam!

• That last bit of info led to him telling me something...which caused me to name him "Mr. Oceans 11" He told me that he had a gambling problem but that it wasn't out of control because he never spent "bill money" only everything else............ (imagine my face as he shared this)
• He shared that he only has one friend...a cousin of his.

There were so many other mini horrors taking place but I think i'll just leave it there. After all of that I just wanted to get out of there...he was arrogant, belittling, sarcastic and dense throughout the whole night and every time he got smart with me, I ordered another drink! but the date all came to a climax when the waitress and "Mr OE" started flirting with one another as I complained about my dog food alfredo that she'd served me...and you won't believe what happened next...home girl, reeking of stale cigarette smoke and the infamous bath and body works scent "Love Spell", sat down at our booth beside me, nonetheless, and proceeded to have a whole conversation with my date...and there I was sitting there, unbothered, enjoying my tequila sunrise!

Thankfully the date didn't last much longer, after that the check came and I looked him square in the eyes as he rifled through his pockets to find exact change. As he walked me to my car he asked me what I would be doing around 10 PM that night (it was around 8:30 at the time). I assured him that i'd most likely be in bed but he told me "no, you're going to meet me after i take care of some business" at first I was going to explain that pigs would fly first but I just decided to let that man dream. And then it happened...he leaned in for a hug and a kiss and my natural instinct kicked in as my fist raised and I uttered the ultimate friend zone words "Pound it!" (referring to a fist bump..) he looked at me with dismay before shockingly giving me a pound...I then hurried to the passenger side of my car to unlock my doors... (stop laughing!) hurried to the other side, got in and drove off hoping I didn't hit him as I sped off!

Moral of the story: Never order the Cajun Pasta from Chaamps!!! *blank stare*

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

February's Subscriber Giveaway

In honor of the love holiday we're giving away a $25 gift card to Forever 21 so that you can buy the perfect Valentine's day dress...whether you're going out with your Mr. Right or hanging out with the girls or to buy your special someone the perfect gift. 

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The winner of February's Giveaway will be announced next week!!