Easy Like...

So...evidently I've got a thing for men who are unavailable.

Now before you summons the towns people on me...I'm not talking about romantically unavailable. I personally don't think there's EVER an excuse to be creeping around with someone else's man. I hear women say all the time "She must not be doing something right" or "He's not happy at home" or my personal favorite "That's on him"...no, ma'am...I'm afraid its on you too! Lets forget about the fact that you're doing to another woman what you would be appalled if done to you, forget about the fact that you are helping to take away the chance for her to try and make her relationship work without any outside distractions...forget all of that! Let us focus on the fact that you are signing yourself up to only have a portion of a person...or that you most likely won't be treated to a standard of which you are worthy..or that you'll probably be hidden. Here's the thing...in order to be a side chick you have to share....and SHE(me!) does not share!! Interestingly enough though, I root for Olivia and Fitz's love on Scandal yet I LOATHE Amina and that damn Peter on Love and Hip Hop NY...so clearly I'm a riddle wrapped in an enigma or whateva... I know I may sound critical...but honestly it's less about other people's personal choices and more about my advocacy for self love and women knowing what they deserve.

As usual...I digress... the kind of unavailability that I'm referring to is of the emotional variety. It's like I subconsciously identify the unreadiness in men and it attracts me more. I have a penchant for chasing the impossible... and a gahdamn to that! Why can't I just be content with a simple, here's all my cards on the table kinda fellow? Instead I gotta Harriet the Spy these fool's intentions and emotions...and ain't NOBODY got time for that!! I've got to start reminding myself that easy isn't terrible...everything doesn't have to be a damn mission. If a man is ready it will show and if he's not..I'm learning to step back. That doesn't mean I need to give him an ultimatum or cut him off and it doesn't mean that I should sit around waiting for him to become ready!! I've done all of these things in the past and I honestly can't think of one time when it ended well. So what do I do? Well... I make peace with us just being friends until he has no more questions about what he wants/is ready for and we're both in a the place to pursue something more. The problem with this is that I can't guarantee that I'll be available when he finally does become ready because trust and believe I WILL be dating and living my life...and you can take that to the nearest bank and cash it!!

The right experience will get you all the way together! Seriously!

So not too long ago my ex and I saw each other after like a 3 month period. We went out on a date. We spoke on a Friday and he asked me out and as much as my hurt feelings and stubborn brain wanted to say "Sorry, I'm booked..." (in my kelly price voice) the apparent soft spot that I still have for him gave in, Imagine me, all weekend imagining what it would be like when we saw each other...would it be awkward...would I get my L.J. (Love Jones) moment. Oh and what would I wear? I needed to give off the impression that seeing him didn't matter that much... I decided to wear some black tights and a tee, a cardigan and some cute combat boots. Mostly because I was being lazy but also because I wanted my look to say "I'm here...but I'm not expecting too much." but I can't front...it wouldn't hurt if as I walked in front of him to our table he thought to himself as he looked at my booty "well...ghaaatdamn!" *tee hee hee*

But here's where a pimp got messed up...he got out of the car and (involuntarily of course) a smile went sweeping clear across my face and the ice around my heart started dripping away. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my Sunday Morning. I call him my Sunday Morning because he's easy like one. ( You all have permission to borrow that from me! Ha!) With him...everything was effortless. He did everything I could ask for in a man. He was consistent, attentive, fun, mature...the only thing He wasn't was ready! SM and I were together for a short period of time before he told me that he didn't feel like he was cut out for relationships. Initially I just cut my losses and kept it moving. but as time went on my heart just broke more and more. I was disappointed, I blamed myself and eventually I blamed his ass! So for months I walked around resentful and angry with him and it didn't seem to be getting any better with time, which is why I decided I needed to get some closure. So when I met up with him I made up my mind that that was exactly what I was going to get!

What changed everything was the fact that SM, from the very beginning of our date, was upfront. He didn't deny anything, he put it all on the table. He explained how he was feeling and admitted that he couldn't really make sense of the way he felt himself...it was just the way he felt. He told me how he felt about me and then...child... he grabbed my hand from across the table.....all that tough exterior was out the frickin window! My emotions were betraying me as it took every ounce of strength for me not to cry as I explained to him how much his decision had hurt me and how much he'd meant to me. Every insecurity I'd ever had about our relationship...I told him. But at the end of it all, one thing stood out and gave me the closure that I needed. I'd struggled with whether or not he'd ever really cared or was invested at all and I've been thinking about his response. Pretty much what he said was that the reason I couldn't see that I was special to him was because I was gauging how he treated me on my own ideals as opposed to his ability. He said "to someone else who knows me, they'd look at the fact that we were going out every week, and talked everyday and all the other things we did and know that you had to be special because I don't typically do those types of things with women that I date but to you that stuff was nothing because to your standard those things are to be expected" and all at once I felt like I understood him a little better...he was absolutely right. I couldn't even recognized his effort because according to my high standards and ideas the things that he was doing, he was suppose to do! I had dismissed his effort and the more I thought about it I realized that I had done the same to others in the past. I learned in that moment that I have to stop putting men on MY high pedestal of expectations. And NO, that does not mean that I will just accept anything from men...but I will be more understanding to their starting point and be willing to work with them.

By the end of the night everything about what I thought I'd felt had changed. and I was right back in...like I had never left. When I asked him what he wanted going forward, he said to date...but not to rush anything and I completely agreed. So for now that's where we are. I feel like I got my friend back...and if it's meant my Sunday Morning will get his shit together before it's too late but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around waiting for that day to come...so... here's to new dates and hope in love for 2014!

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. This is what he had the pleasure of looking at from across the table *hair flip* *giggles*