What makes these kinds of memories so special are that they're so unfinished, so incomplete...so the hope or fantasy of what could've been sticks with you...leaving you with those good thoughts! Having my hand held in the backseat as I rode back to New York from Virginia Beach, by the cutest boy on my vacation...who had his pick of girls was mystical to me...and even though I knew I'd never see him again because he lived so far away I was left with the pure feeling of being wanted. Getting to have my first kiss with Raheem...the brother of my childhood best friend, the boy I'd grown up with, the boy who threw me in a trash can when we were 11 but wrote me love letters when we were 12 , the first boy I think I ever "loved" sealed my "childhood" chapter as I moved from Brooklyn to the this great new world of Harlem, NY. And you see High School was a tough experience for me! I was in my ugly ducking phase...never being liked back by the ones I liked, never experiencing what it was like to have a boyfriend, go on dates, wear the cutest clothes or have the coolest friends...so the day that my crush Alex finally noticed and acknowledged me it gave me that one good memory that I'd could carry for years to come...even though soon after he transferred out of our school and we never spoke again. The point is this, those situations that don't necessarily get to play out are sometimes the best because it's like pausing a movie at the happiest moment and leaving it there.
Of all of these memories one sticks out from my adult life. It was the summer of 2005, i'd just come back to NY after graduating from college and I met a guy. I don't remember how we met but what I do remember is that I was broke as hell, fresh out of a terrible relationship, back in my mama's house and feeling a little overwhelmed with trying to be a "real adult". It's like he just appeared...almost like he'd always been there. I remember the first night we spent time together. He met me outside of my house on Seneca avenue in the Hunt's Point section of the Bronx. I stood at my gate as I watched him walk up the block, profiling him from a mile away. Such a cutie pie he was! He looked to have been mixed with some Hispanic heritage and had the cutest smile i'd ever laid eyes on...it was the type of smile that made YOU smile when you seen it. He had on some typical NYC attire but very tailored, he was clean cut and he smelled ammmaaazing...like sunshine or some other corny shit. Ha! My first thoughts were that he was a little short. I'd say he was somewhere between 5'7 and 5'9 but that was right in line with the guys that I usually dated. What wasn't up my alley though was his size...190 lbs at most which was a little thin for me but I told myself as he approached the gate that I wouldn't judge him based on something so facetious...
You know what stood out the most to me about Jay? it was his finesse...he was so calm, cool and collected at all times... he spoke to the part of me that needed to feel challenged, the part of me that didn't want a man who made it too easy and Jay was that! He never came off like he was trying too hard, it never seemed like he had anything to prove. Shit! so much so, that earlier on in our dealings I questioned his genuine interest in me. Anyway so there we were, sitting on the stoop of my duplex talking about everything. What he did for a living (he worked for UPS), If he was single (it seemed that way), If he had children (1...a baby daughter) but at some point we got lost in the conversation and we started talking about everything else under the sun. It was the most fun i'd had talking to a guy in quite some time. I'd just ended an "on again off again" relationship with, by far,the most "jerkliest" of boyfriends i'd ever had. He'd been very manipulative, mentally abusive and a cheater like you wouldn't believe...he was the low point of my dating life...everything that I warn women to stand clear of today, is all due to this guy that changed how I viewed myself, how I viewed men and the power dynamic of relationships. So I was in a very jaded place to say the least when Jay entered...which was what made him so refreshing and intriguing to me.
It seemed like we had spent an eternity on them steps talking. I laugh now remembering how much he loved Jay Z, he would quote random lines of his sporadically throughout the conversation. The thing was that usually that kinda shit annoyed me but with Jay I thought it was just the cutest thing. I think what really caught my interest though was how mysterious he was. While he shared some information...he was very careful to make me work for answers...down to his name. I must've asked him 100 times that night what "Jay" was short for and he insisted that it was short for Jay which I knew had to be a lie but being all young and "benefit of the doubty" I dismissed it as him just playing hard to get. As Jay and I walked up the block to the 6 train at the end of that night I couldn't help but wonder if he was too good for me. My self doubt said that he was way too handsome and too well put together for me. That I wasn't pretty enough and definitely too big for him... but all of those self deprecating thoughts that usually made me run from men, didn't this time for some reason...I think I thought that if I could manage to get Jay, that it would prove that I was pretty enough or good enough (this wouldn't be the last time I would feel like this with a man in this phase of my life) And as I walked back from the corner of Seneca and Hunts Point avenue I decided there was only one thing left to do that evening...go get me a chicken breast and a roll (with an extra roll on the side) from Crown Fried Chicken... (shout out to crown fried! woop woop!)
From that night on we talked what seemed like non stop. I'm pretty sure the reason we called each other instead of texting all day was that texts were not unlimited yet! So most of the time we'd wait until our night and weekend minutes and then just talk and talk. There's something about a man that can hold a decent conversation...unfortunately in the past few years the art of conversation has become all but extinct!!
A couple of weeks later while my family was out of town, Jay finally made it off of the front stoop and upstairs. I don't think I was afraid of anything happening which is why I invited him up...or maybe it was that I wanted something to happen...either way...something happened girl! Now the thing is, I don't remember much of the specifics but what I do remember ever so well was that the chemistry that we shared was off of the charts!! In retrospect, I don't think either of us expected "us" to go as far as it did. In my mind Jay was a rebound...a way to detox from Jerky Mcjerkison...and I just assumed that Jay was just having fun after getting out of a serious relationship. But that is the exact reason why as women especially we have to be extremely careful with whom we share ourselves with because that person will always leave with a piece of you...and then we spend so much energy yearning after that person not realizing that it's really the piece of ourselves that they still have that we're really yearning to get back!! Damn! I just ministered to my own self right there!
I just remember feeling so connected to him...I'm pretty sure that prior to Jay I hadn't experienced what sex was suppose to feel like...on the physical level it was like placing your hand into a custom made, genuine "made for kings" leather, plush interior, glove (i'm the glove...OF COURSE) it was as if my glove had been made for his hand if you catch my drift. On a mental level J had the ability to speak LIFE into my drawers...commanding them to slip down, fold themselves and wait patiently on the nightstand! Before ever laying a hand on me I would be like putty in his hands, and this being a feeling I was not accustom to, it drove me up a wall. Now for the emotional connection... I remember laughing with my girlfriends who were back in Philly that Jay wasn't that big of a deal...that we were just hanging out and one of them telling me that I was fooling myself because she could hear in my voice how attached I'd become to him which lead to the day that I discovered that I loved Jay.
It had been two months of the most intense and addictive sex I'd ever had and while preparing for a visit from him one day I thought about something...in the 3 months that i'd been seeing J, he'd never kissed me...even during sex. Once again that "benefit of the doubt" weakness I possess kicked in and I told myself that it couldn't be intentional...because there was no damn way that that man could sex me down the way he had been and not be feeling me as much as I was feeling him. So as the day progressed and after yet another round of adult twister, as I lay in my bed watching him get dressed, I couldn't help myself any longer...I had to ask...even though I knew that there was a chance that the response could be a terrible one...the cocky side of me just knew that it wouldn't be because Jay just had to be seeing the same rainbows, unicorns and fairies that I was seeing after we had sex. So as I lay there feeling ever so confident, sexy and beautiful, I asked. "Why don't you ever kiss me?" and after a long pause he responded " I just don't kiss." I could literally feel the energy change in the room. Of course I pushed the issue asking if he ever really liked me and the more I pushed the more his "calm, cool and collected" demeanor changed. Eventually he pretty much said something to the effect of " I don't kiss and i'm not going to start...period". It wasn't really what he said as much as it was how he said it. He'd become so cold, distant and disconnected from me and the conversation. I was so hurt that I didn't even bother to walk him out...and the moment I heard the door shut...I burst out in tears! As the tears fell I was shocked...not at his answer but at my reaction! Why the hell was I experiencing this terrible ache over a guy who I was just "kicking" it with?! I think it was because in that moment I stopped feeling like what we had was the exception to the rule and started feeling like I was more of a jump off... like I was the chick that he just came through and popped every now and then...but if that was the case, then he wasn't playing fair! Because all the time we'd spent building...if it was all so that he could have sex with me then this effing game was rigged to assure that i'd lose!! I just remember feeling little...and without value to think that after all the time we'd spent together he still didn't think enough of me to show me affection... all at once his cold distant hand in my precious glove didn't seem so damn magical!
A few months passed before I saw Jay again... things had become so hectic in my personal life in NY that I picked up and moved from NY back to Philly with about 300 dollars to my name! I'd been living in Philly for like a month when I had to go back to NY for my uncle's funeral. Somehow Jay and I got in contact with one another. We made plans to see each other. For the first time I'd be going to Jay's house instead of him coming to mine. I remember taking a cab up to Parkchester...he met me at the cab and paid the driver before we went upstairs. The first thing I noticed when I got inside was that there were children's toys and furniture all over! Not like the home of a man who's child only visited on weekends. I ignored what my gut was telling me although I could tell that stuff had been removed from the area..like perhaps pictures. I convinced myself that I didn't care enough to ask any questions because I was over him...but I think I also knew that if what I thought was going on was really going on...there would be no way i'd have sex with him that night and to be honest I'd invested too many daydreams and hell...wet dreams in seeing him again and experiencing "our" magic. It didn't take long before we were ripping each other's clothes off in the middle of his living room, surrounded by baby furniture and toys. The nagging questions and feelings that I was having had to be all but drowned out in order for me to even begin to enjoy the sex. When it was all said and done though...I could feel that things were different. The magic had subsided and shit was just real between us...complicated, dramatic and never to be the same. As I left that night...I knew that my summer to remember was over.
Over the next couple of years Jay and I kept in contact occasionally. He would claim that he was going to come to Philly to see me but something would always come up. Let me tell y'all ladies about this gift that we have called intuition!! Every time J and I would talk I'd always ask him "How's your wife" because over the years every time I played back that last night we'd spent together in my mind...along with everything else that had happened that special summer...the only explanation that made sense to me was that Jay had been in a relationship all along and my naivety had stopped me from seeing it. Every time I'd ask him that though he'd insist that I was crazy and that he didn't know what I was talking about. I cant even count the number of times, over this period of separation, that I asked Jay to stop calling me...to let me go because even after years had passed I still felt like that putty in his hands... but he never would...he just kept holding on. Then one fall I had driven up to NY for a visit. I was in a whole different place...way more secure in my skin and thriving in Philly. I'd begun to develop my fashion sense and had discovered make up which had added to my confidence as well. I decided I wanted to see Jay. I think more than anything I thought if he saw me he would see what he had missed out on because still in my mind ...I hadn't been good enough for Jay and that's why he hadn't done right by me. So we decided to meet somewhere around Castle Hill in the Bronx and as I sat in my car waiting I saw him walk around the corner and all at once it was the summer of 2005 again!!
The little drummer inside of my heart, went to work!!
When he got in the car we just talked....like we were back on that stoop catching up. I was sure to brag about all the great things that I had going on and he was just as evasive about his life as he had ever been. Then for old time sake I asked "How's your wife?" and he responded "She's cool." With no further explanation! There were a million things I could've said in that moment but instead I said nothing. It was like relief to me oddly enough. I was just grateful for him being honest with me for once, it confirmed that I wasn't crazy! and it made me feel like he knew that he owed me that and for once I felt like it wasn't me...it wasn't that I hadn't been good enough for him but that he just couldn't give me what I deserved because he didn't have it to give! We talked for a while longer.. I remember asking him "do I look different" because to me I was a lot more polished than I had been in the past. But he told me no...which made me feel vulnerable all over again. He went on to tell me that he thought I was as pretty as I'd always been and that no matter what, he saw me for who I was. I could tell without a doubt that Jay had changed which gave me the courage to address the whole kissing thing. He insisted that he was just stupid at the time. He knew that i'd started growing attached and that he never expected for things to get as deep as they had. He looked me in my eyes and told me that it never had anything to do with me...that there was nothing wrong with me...that he was the fucked up one and he gave me no reason to doubt anything he was saying. We made plans to meet up the next day before I would be driving back to Philly and then...He gripped my chin and pulled me in to him and kissed me. Not in some overly sexual way, not a "I want something from you" kiss...it was a "let me right my wrong" kiss...and as he got out of my car, assuring me that he'd call me, I knew that i'd never see Jay again.
I had come there for closure that night but I don't think I ever expected to get it the way that I did. After a few years, he found me on Facebook. He was married with two kids and had moved out of NY. Initially it broke my heart but eventually I was happy for him...and grateful that we'd had that magical experience. To this day I have nothing but good feelings about our time together...and I hope he has the same...
P.S. I know I'm a week late and for that I sincerely apologize but without any further ado...the winner of February's Subscriber Giveaway is:
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You know what stood out the most to me about Jay? it was his finesse...he was so calm, cool and collected at all times... he spoke to the part of me that needed to feel challenged, the part of me that didn't want a man who made it too easy and Jay was that! He never came off like he was trying too hard, it never seemed like he had anything to prove. Shit! so much so, that earlier on in our dealings I questioned his genuine interest in me. Anyway so there we were, sitting on the stoop of my duplex talking about everything. What he did for a living (he worked for UPS), If he was single (it seemed that way), If he had children (1...a baby daughter) but at some point we got lost in the conversation and we started talking about everything else under the sun. It was the most fun i'd had talking to a guy in quite some time. I'd just ended an "on again off again" relationship with, by far,the most "jerkliest" of boyfriends i'd ever had. He'd been very manipulative, mentally abusive and a cheater like you wouldn't believe...he was the low point of my dating life...everything that I warn women to stand clear of today, is all due to this guy that changed how I viewed myself, how I viewed men and the power dynamic of relationships. So I was in a very jaded place to say the least when Jay entered...which was what made him so refreshing and intriguing to me.
It seemed like we had spent an eternity on them steps talking. I laugh now remembering how much he loved Jay Z, he would quote random lines of his sporadically throughout the conversation. The thing was that usually that kinda shit annoyed me but with Jay I thought it was just the cutest thing. I think what really caught my interest though was how mysterious he was. While he shared some information...he was very careful to make me work for answers...down to his name. I must've asked him 100 times that night what "Jay" was short for and he insisted that it was short for Jay which I knew had to be a lie but being all young and "benefit of the doubty" I dismissed it as him just playing hard to get. As Jay and I walked up the block to the 6 train at the end of that night I couldn't help but wonder if he was too good for me. My self doubt said that he was way too handsome and too well put together for me. That I wasn't pretty enough and definitely too big for him... but all of those self deprecating thoughts that usually made me run from men, didn't this time for some reason...I think I thought that if I could manage to get Jay, that it would prove that I was pretty enough or good enough (this wouldn't be the last time I would feel like this with a man in this phase of my life) And as I walked back from the corner of Seneca and Hunts Point avenue I decided there was only one thing left to do that evening...go get me a chicken breast and a roll (with an extra roll on the side) from Crown Fried Chicken... (shout out to crown fried! woop woop!)
From that night on we talked what seemed like non stop. I'm pretty sure the reason we called each other instead of texting all day was that texts were not unlimited yet! So most of the time we'd wait until our night and weekend minutes and then just talk and talk. There's something about a man that can hold a decent conversation...unfortunately in the past few years the art of conversation has become all but extinct!!
A couple of weeks later while my family was out of town, Jay finally made it off of the front stoop and upstairs. I don't think I was afraid of anything happening which is why I invited him up...or maybe it was that I wanted something to happen...either way...something happened girl! Now the thing is, I don't remember much of the specifics but what I do remember ever so well was that the chemistry that we shared was off of the charts!! In retrospect, I don't think either of us expected "us" to go as far as it did. In my mind Jay was a rebound...a way to detox from Jerky Mcjerkison...and I just assumed that Jay was just having fun after getting out of a serious relationship. But that is the exact reason why as women especially we have to be extremely careful with whom we share ourselves with because that person will always leave with a piece of you...and then we spend so much energy yearning after that person not realizing that it's really the piece of ourselves that they still have that we're really yearning to get back!! Damn! I just ministered to my own self right there!
I just remember feeling so connected to him...I'm pretty sure that prior to Jay I hadn't experienced what sex was suppose to feel like...on the physical level it was like placing your hand into a custom made, genuine "made for kings" leather, plush interior, glove (i'm the glove...OF COURSE) it was as if my glove had been made for his hand if you catch my drift. On a mental level J had the ability to speak LIFE into my drawers...commanding them to slip down, fold themselves and wait patiently on the nightstand! Before ever laying a hand on me I would be like putty in his hands, and this being a feeling I was not accustom to, it drove me up a wall. Now for the emotional connection... I remember laughing with my girlfriends who were back in Philly that Jay wasn't that big of a deal...that we were just hanging out and one of them telling me that I was fooling myself because she could hear in my voice how attached I'd become to him which lead to the day that I discovered that I loved Jay.
It had been two months of the most intense and addictive sex I'd ever had and while preparing for a visit from him one day I thought about something...in the 3 months that i'd been seeing J, he'd never kissed me...even during sex. Once again that "benefit of the doubt" weakness I possess kicked in and I told myself that it couldn't be intentional...because there was no damn way that that man could sex me down the way he had been and not be feeling me as much as I was feeling him. So as the day progressed and after yet another round of adult twister, as I lay in my bed watching him get dressed, I couldn't help myself any longer...I had to ask...even though I knew that there was a chance that the response could be a terrible one...the cocky side of me just knew that it wouldn't be because Jay just had to be seeing the same rainbows, unicorns and fairies that I was seeing after we had sex. So as I lay there feeling ever so confident, sexy and beautiful, I asked. "Why don't you ever kiss me?" and after a long pause he responded " I just don't kiss." I could literally feel the energy change in the room. Of course I pushed the issue asking if he ever really liked me and the more I pushed the more his "calm, cool and collected" demeanor changed. Eventually he pretty much said something to the effect of " I don't kiss and i'm not going to start...period". It wasn't really what he said as much as it was how he said it. He'd become so cold, distant and disconnected from me and the conversation. I was so hurt that I didn't even bother to walk him out...and the moment I heard the door shut...I burst out in tears! As the tears fell I was shocked...not at his answer but at my reaction! Why the hell was I experiencing this terrible ache over a guy who I was just "kicking" it with?! I think it was because in that moment I stopped feeling like what we had was the exception to the rule and started feeling like I was more of a jump off... like I was the chick that he just came through and popped every now and then...but if that was the case, then he wasn't playing fair! Because all the time we'd spent building...if it was all so that he could have sex with me then this effing game was rigged to assure that i'd lose!! I just remember feeling little...and without value to think that after all the time we'd spent together he still didn't think enough of me to show me affection... all at once his cold distant hand in my precious glove didn't seem so damn magical!
A few months passed before I saw Jay again... things had become so hectic in my personal life in NY that I picked up and moved from NY back to Philly with about 300 dollars to my name! I'd been living in Philly for like a month when I had to go back to NY for my uncle's funeral. Somehow Jay and I got in contact with one another. We made plans to see each other. For the first time I'd be going to Jay's house instead of him coming to mine. I remember taking a cab up to Parkchester...he met me at the cab and paid the driver before we went upstairs. The first thing I noticed when I got inside was that there were children's toys and furniture all over! Not like the home of a man who's child only visited on weekends. I ignored what my gut was telling me although I could tell that stuff had been removed from the area..like perhaps pictures. I convinced myself that I didn't care enough to ask any questions because I was over him...but I think I also knew that if what I thought was going on was really going on...there would be no way i'd have sex with him that night and to be honest I'd invested too many daydreams and hell...wet dreams in seeing him again and experiencing "our" magic. It didn't take long before we were ripping each other's clothes off in the middle of his living room, surrounded by baby furniture and toys. The nagging questions and feelings that I was having had to be all but drowned out in order for me to even begin to enjoy the sex. When it was all said and done though...I could feel that things were different. The magic had subsided and shit was just real between us...complicated, dramatic and never to be the same. As I left that night...I knew that my summer to remember was over.
Over the next couple of years Jay and I kept in contact occasionally. He would claim that he was going to come to Philly to see me but something would always come up. Let me tell y'all ladies about this gift that we have called intuition!! Every time J and I would talk I'd always ask him "How's your wife" because over the years every time I played back that last night we'd spent together in my mind...along with everything else that had happened that special summer...the only explanation that made sense to me was that Jay had been in a relationship all along and my naivety had stopped me from seeing it. Every time I'd ask him that though he'd insist that I was crazy and that he didn't know what I was talking about. I cant even count the number of times, over this period of separation, that I asked Jay to stop calling me...to let me go because even after years had passed I still felt like that putty in his hands... but he never would...he just kept holding on. Then one fall I had driven up to NY for a visit. I was in a whole different place...way more secure in my skin and thriving in Philly. I'd begun to develop my fashion sense and had discovered make up which had added to my confidence as well. I decided I wanted to see Jay. I think more than anything I thought if he saw me he would see what he had missed out on because still in my mind ...I hadn't been good enough for Jay and that's why he hadn't done right by me. So we decided to meet somewhere around Castle Hill in the Bronx and as I sat in my car waiting I saw him walk around the corner and all at once it was the summer of 2005 again!!
The little drummer inside of my heart, went to work!!
When he got in the car we just talked....like we were back on that stoop catching up. I was sure to brag about all the great things that I had going on and he was just as evasive about his life as he had ever been. Then for old time sake I asked "How's your wife?" and he responded "She's cool." With no further explanation! There were a million things I could've said in that moment but instead I said nothing. It was like relief to me oddly enough. I was just grateful for him being honest with me for once, it confirmed that I wasn't crazy! and it made me feel like he knew that he owed me that and for once I felt like it wasn't me...it wasn't that I hadn't been good enough for him but that he just couldn't give me what I deserved because he didn't have it to give! We talked for a while longer.. I remember asking him "do I look different" because to me I was a lot more polished than I had been in the past. But he told me no...which made me feel vulnerable all over again. He went on to tell me that he thought I was as pretty as I'd always been and that no matter what, he saw me for who I was. I could tell without a doubt that Jay had changed which gave me the courage to address the whole kissing thing. He insisted that he was just stupid at the time. He knew that i'd started growing attached and that he never expected for things to get as deep as they had. He looked me in my eyes and told me that it never had anything to do with me...that there was nothing wrong with me...that he was the fucked up one and he gave me no reason to doubt anything he was saying. We made plans to meet up the next day before I would be driving back to Philly and then...He gripped my chin and pulled me in to him and kissed me. Not in some overly sexual way, not a "I want something from you" kiss...it was a "let me right my wrong" kiss...and as he got out of my car, assuring me that he'd call me, I knew that i'd never see Jay again.
I had come there for closure that night but I don't think I ever expected to get it the way that I did. After a few years, he found me on Facebook. He was married with two kids and had moved out of NY. Initially it broke my heart but eventually I was happy for him...and grateful that we'd had that magical experience. To this day I have nothing but good feelings about our time together...and I hope he has the same...
Sincerely,
Miss Fat & Bougie
P.S. I know I'm a week late and for that I sincerely apologize but without any further ado...the winner of February's Subscriber Giveaway is:
Stacei Vick
Congrats!!! Please email me at quaniboyd@gmail.com to claim you gift card!
This post was awesome!!! You are so right there are just some memories that will forever last. I still hold on to my first love and the memories we shared. He moved when I was 15 saw him again when I was 25 and just found him on FB married with children. At the age of 30!
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