For some reason the winter always seems to put me in a rut...one way or another. Most of the time it just means that I lose most interest in fashion and getting dressed up, which is definitely a hobby for me, and that I don't really feel like going out as much as I would in the spring and summer.
But this winter things are a little more intense... my style and social enthusiasm has been effected by more than just the snow! Some how within like a 2 month period I managed to gain 30 pounds which has made me heavier than I've ever been! The thing is that normally my weight is pretty consistent...it's just as hard for me to gain weight as it is for me to lose it but clearly something has triggered a spike in my weight and I just can't figure it out.
It sucks!
And here's the thing about that... I've always done a good job of making peace with my size. I've never dreamt of being skinny and most of my weight daydreams consists of me being a fit and curvy size 16. So up until this last 30 lbs of weight gain, even though I wasn't thrilled with my size...I was certainly at peace. That was until I realized that just about none of my clothes would fit me anymore... so now it's like "Tights City" around here...and girl...Just No!
Now before I get a million "just change your diet" "just go to the gym" Just this...Just that...Just don't bother sending me those messages!! Don't you think that if it were that simple for me it would be done already. What bothers me so much about my "peers" (other fatties) is that they are so quick to spew advice to you that clearly they are having issues with following themselves. I get it...you lost weight that one time...that does not make you an expert...especially when it comes to my body!! I know that change needs to take place but I'm wise enough to know that the change needs to take place in my mind and spirit first or I won't stay committed to any changes. I'm working on it...so let me be great.
Problem is...now it's effecting my desire to date. As I've stated times before, I have never had issues with feeling worthy of and confident about dating while fat...but apparently I do have a concern about dating while FATTER! I'm pretty sure that I am officially out of my comfort zone and one thing that I know for sure is that no man... or no person, in fact. will buy into a product, idea, or person if the one presenting it does not buy into it themselves!! So for that reason I have declined to go on most dates for the past few months...I haven't even made an effort to meet anyone. Now I don't think that's necessarily wrong but it's also not helpful.
I don't even know where i'm going with this post...I think I just wanted to be able to share that there are struggles...even if you are confident, bold, secure...we all have our moments and I am INDEED in the midst of one of mine!
You know what I wish...I wish I could just meet someone and for once not have to assess how my weight might play a role in our relationship...no analyzing...no surmising... just be able to be me and be confident that that is enough...take it or leave it! I hope that when my hibernation is over this spring that I awake with that renewed sense of being...
I'm also just sick and tired of these extra 30 lbs...and the 40 that came before that! I've created a plan to tackle the extra weight... now if only I could manage to find a plan to tackle actually starting the plan...
uuuuugh...the struggle!
Sincerely (from my hibernation quarters),
Miss Fat & Bougie
*sigh* I too understand the struggle!
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