Storytime - Quani's SophistiRatchet 33rd

Oh what a night!
(We'll discuss this interesting fellow next time)

So here's how it all  went down. 

First let me say this... everything that COULD go wrong that week DID!

And while i'm at it, can I just say that New York traffic laws are formed in the oven of satan!!

Picture it..

It's the Wednesday before Qday  (my Birthday) and I'm driving through lower Manhattan. Whipping it because you know, I'm a G. So there I am in my 99 Oldsmobile Cutlass looking like a scene out of "Friday" trying my damndest not to chase down a cabbie and taze him for cutting me off. I go to make a turn on Madison Avenue and next thing I know Jake and his two homies (the police) done signaled me to pull over. 

I'm annoyed but I stay calm knowing that they're probably just targeting me because I'm a young Black playa in a foreign whip (just go with it). So they all come over to my car... which by the way already has all the windows down because you know, outside IS my air conditioning. #teamnoACinthisBih

But she digresses. So I ask why I'm being pulled over and they inform me that it's because in New York it is illegal to make a turn while the pedestrian is still crossing the street. In my head I'm like

" what the hell?! This is blatant racism or fatcism or girlcism. It's got to be one of the Cisms because there's no way on hell that that's a real life law!".

But I keep my composure, give them my info and go to my Zen place in my mind... Cheesecake Factory on free cheesecake day, as I chant "321...123...What the hell is bothering me?" ( 5 monopoly dollars for whomever can name the 90's sitcom that is from). Well, after about hmmm a good 7.5 minutes ( I may or may not have been counting) I'm awaken from my Cheesecake Factory happy place by sirens of another cop car jetting across traffic to cut in front of my car. And suddenly there are SIX, yes...you heard motha, SIX cops surrounding my car. 

You know...for like 26 seconds I thought that maybe I'd forgotten about the keys and bricks and birds (all drug references because I'm about that life) that I had in my trunk. But then I snapped out of it and remembered that my bitch ass won't even sneak into a movie, let alone be a damn trap queen (am I using that term correctly?). Anywho, they ask me to step out of the car and the punk in me is ready to just lay down and die where I stand but I'm thinking "Quani don't give them the satisfaction!" So I put on my Ice Cube grit and and ask "for what?!" They inform me that my driving privileges are suspended in the state of NY due to a ticket from quite a few years back and proceed to handcuff a baby G! Girl! All at once my whole world collides! Who's gonna wear my cute birthday dress? I think. Am I gonna have to skip Atlanta? I worry. Will I miss the season premiere of Empire?! I ponder.

Child by the time they sit me in the back of that car I gaze out of the window at all of the free White people in their fancy business suits or taking their dogs for walks like its not 11 in the morning and the water works begin!! I mean I cried like I'd found the perfect wide width, strappy, block heel, in every color and size 9 was the only size missing! I cried like Haagan Daaz stopped making Vanilla Swiss Almond ice cream! I cried like I do when I watch Queen Latifah die in "Set it Off"! So much so that the cop sitting in the back with me tries to comfort me. But honey, there was no comforting me in that moment.

Once at the station they put me in a jail cell with a man whom I was sure was gonna flash me when the cops turned around, who legit only knew like 4 English words, and seemed to have an affinity for plush, Black girls who are made of prayers and magic! Which naturally made me cry even more. I felt so demeaned. I seriously was offended that they'd treat a traffic ticket with the same voracity that they would whatever Flashing Frank was being charged with. I thought for half a second of just giving up on trying to do shit the  right way! I got tired of of what seemed like a never ending ditch. I mean, I know that in many ways I created my own roadblocks but I work VERY hard to be accountable and to clear them and sometimes they just pop up like a herpe! So for a moment I felt extremely defeated, I just didn't want to hope anymore or have faith in anything or dream. I honestly just wanted to die. Not physically, but spiritually. I reasoned that perhaps it would just be easier to let the waves of life and circumstance push me where ever it pleased. And it's not even that it was that big of a deal but it felt like that feather that landed ever so gently on the pile of boulders on my back.

But that's the thing about resilience. The shit just won't let you acquiesce to life. It's like the smelling salts that will wake you whether u want to be up or not! So I spent the next two hours visualizing the future I desire, the future I deserve. I imagined how happy I'd be on my Birthday, I dreamed about my launch day for my new website...I thought of all the reasons I had to fight the hell back! To keep hoping and pushing and dreaming and before I knew it they were telling me I could go home.

They couldn't tell me in detail what had come up in the system to make them arrest me and said this it could all be a computer error. Trust me, I was pissed and annoyed but I decided that it was up to me to decide how I internalized what had happened and made a choice to see it as an alert from God to get more on top of things and be more proactive.

The next day I paid off a 3 year old ticket and went about planning my birthday... and boy was it an interesting one!

Light & Love,

Quani

iQ (transparency post): Let me count the ways

So a bish turned 33 today... it's hard to explain what that feels like at this moment. Like I'm damn near 30 but somehow I feel heavy and rooted and aged like fine wine...as if I've lived twice as long. Its a quite perplexing yet fulfilling seat to sit in.

Ive been spending some time thinking about the best way to spend my next year in gratitude because I'm gonna be honest...I never thought i'd live this long. I spent a lot of years living in worry of EVERY little thing! and premature death was one of those things...so if you follow me on social media networks you know that I am always over celebrating because I am just genuinely grateful for my life. My path has been a mixture of roses and thorns, mountains and valleys, deserts and oasis' and I count it ALL joy!

With that in mind, I figured a great way to relaunch my blog with it's new expanded content would be to introduce "iQ" an intimate section of my blog where I can be transparent about my struggles, low moments and personal issues in hopes that it will encourage someone else to remember that it's OK to not always get it right! Life still goes on and your wins are coming! I am committed this year to just living a lot more unfiltered and unmuted. I'm going to live and thrive and bask in my truth and those who that is for will appreciate it and everyone else will just have to deal. Mkkkay!?

I want to express gratitude today because I didn't always think I would survive my challenges. Ive messed up a lot and had a lot of messed up things happen to me. I grew up fast, too fast. You know how if a bone is broken sometimes the doctors will rebreak it if it grows too fast because it heals wrong? That's the sum of my twenties. Rebreak after rebreak after rebreak! I had to learn as I went along. I mismanaged friendships because my relationship with myself caused me to seek out unhealthy connections and to sometimes be an unhealthy friend. I mismanaged money because coming up I didn't have the proper example of a healthy relationship to money and due to that, mixed with irresponsibility, selfishness and sometimes just plain ol bad luck I have been evicted TWICE in my life and  lost a car. A couple of year ago I would have never admitted that because my self worth was directly connected to the amount of things I did "Right" in my life but I understand now that my worth is so much bigger than that. I've shut love out of my life and pushed my family and friends away at different points of my life out of my deep fear of rejection. I lived a very isolated life for a very long time, so afraid of being vulnerable. But I've also been damaged by people with bad (and sometimes good) intentions toward me, dogged out by the very ones I would have literally taken bullets for, lost jobs and other material things that I had worked very hard for and had done all the "right" things to keep and STILL had them snatched away from me. I have known loss very well! So much so, that it became my comfort on some level... my place of familiarity...the one thing I could rely on showing up. So I continued to manifest more and more of it in my life.

I'm telling all of that to show you why I feel so blessed today. There are so many great things in my life, that according to someone else I might just not be deserving of. I have hope for my future, my resilient heart continues to believe in love and the innate goodness in people. I've got some damn good friends, I have my family back in my life, I get up and look in the mirror and genuinely smile from the inside out. I'm at peace in my skin and I know SO clearly how hard of a thing that is to obtain. I'm no longer imprisoned in my mind, a victim of other peoples opinions. I don't have to fear being misunderstood because I understand that my intention is all that matters. I can walk out of the house on any given day with a raw face and a bald head and not feel the need to retreat. I have been blessed with an unconditional love and acceptance of myself as a result of the very things that hurt me so badly in the past. what a miracle!!

But most of all I have found God! I spent many years convinced that God was behind some veil that I could only get to through the crowd of "more worthy" people who were protecting that veil. Then, 3 years ago I read "Super Rich" by Russell Simmons and sat on my balcony one day, completely broken down... face and heart full of tears, on the edge of giving up on my spirituality all together and prayed and told God that if He were real I needed him to show me, I no longer wanted other peoples interpretation of Him...I wanted the authentic truth of who He was and who I was in Him. God heard me. I'm sure of that. and my life on the inside and my relationship with myself changed from that day forward. What was certainly dead inside of me was resurrected. No one knows that place of despair I was in, so no one will ever understand why I am so appreciative and assured in God now.

I'm a rich woman! Rich with hope and faith, peace and joy, love and empathy, vision and purpose, drive and ambition, resilience and tenacity, charity and so much forgiveness for myself and for others. I don't care what anyone else thinks...THIS is what its all about and some people leave this world never grasping that.

33 starts a brand new chapter for me. I know it does...and this one won't be a story of rising from ashes and it wont be one of having to pick myself up off of the ground. It will be a story of wins! a story of trophies! A story of abundance and grace. I just know it...

 




Thanks for reading,

I,Quani

Dating While Fat...(top 10 issues)

To date, my top 10 do's and dont's of online dating has been my most read post and with that in mind I'd decided I would do more top 10 lists because they get right to the point and they're fun! This week I wanted to discuss some of the issues, concerns, annoyances, etc. of Dating While Fat (DWF). I think the "unfat" take for granted the sorts of things that might come into play for a fattie when she is considering dating or in the process.

So allow me to take a moment to vent as well as let y'all in on a few of my quips and such. Now before I get a bunch of email's insisting that the things Ive listed aren't really issues...let me clarify and say that the ideas and concerns you may find in the list are completely and thoroughly MY opinion and MY own personal issues! So here we go...

Fat Bougie Chicks Top 10 DWF issues

• 10. Choosing a restaurant for a date: So he asks "Where would you like to go?" and I begin to contemplate a few things... What I want to say is "Cheesecake Factory" because they give you ALL the food in their portion sizes...Not to mention the Red Velvet Cheesecake Hunty! But instead I say "I mean...it doesn't really matter...we can go walk in the park or go bowling...you know... I already ate" (Lie). There was I time when I used to think like this but now I be like "Bruh...where's the closest Cheesecake Factory?! I needs that Shrimp Scampi with extra sauce in my life!" Because there is no profit in faking the funk! 
• 9. Going to the Movies for a Date: Don't you dare act like you don't understand this struggle.. there y'all are, especially if he's a big dude too, sitting next to one another in them baby ass movie theater seats looking like two jumbo sized marshmallows squished together trying to share one arm rest! Nah dude...if you want to take me to the movies...we're going to the movie tavern with the extra large, reclining seats so my booty can be free!
• 8. Overly Physical dates: Now my idea of a high energy date is bowling...perhaps skating. But every now and then you get one who's all like "Hey lets go rock climbing" "Oh we should go on a hike" and to that I respond " errruum...are you trying to watch me die?!" I say chose a date where you'll be able to be comfortable and give him a glimpse of your true self.
• 7. Blind Dates: Although blind dates are a endangered species these days due to social media being over saturated with selfies and what not, there are still some variables that you have look out for. If he refuses to smile in any of his pictures...you may want to inquire on the status of his teeth count. And if every picture is just another angle of his face...ask for a full body pic. And if it is YOU who is being deceptive...you might as well come clean girl because there is no way you are gonna fool him into believing you look like Lauren London once he sees you up-close and personal! I try to send my most straight forward pictures because no one has time for misunderstandings. I remember going on a blind date when I was like 20...I was home on break from college and had been introduced to a guy through a mutual friend. Well I decided I'd meet him down the block from my house, for safety reasons, and as I waited for him to pull up in a black tinted car after waiting like 30 minutes in the dead of winter, my nipples turned to ice ..one pulled up. He rolled down the window and asked "Are you Quani" to which I replied "Yes" at which point he rolled the window back and up and pulled the hell off! A few days later I spoke to him and he explained that I didn't look like what he'd been told I would. Mostly because he didn't expect me to be a fattie. Now without a doubt he was a F&@k boy...but I'll admit that there was more that I could've done to be more specific about how I looked too. Just be real girl...if he likes you, it won't matter...Unless you have teeth like a construction site...then you should probably get that together first.(Joke)
• 6. Skinny Men: For the life of me , I can't figure out why really thin men seem to flock to big girls...I think its because they're trying to prove something and sometimes we're trying to prove something as well! I just say be clear about both his and your intentions.
• 5. Meeting the Family: I always dread meeting my guy's family because either they've never seen him bring home a big girl or he always bring home big girls. So either the family has this smirk on their face when you walk in and you overhear comments like " You loooove you some big girls, don't you!" or you get the stares like you're in an exhibit at the damn zoo! "Oh my, a real life fattie...in our home" That's why I think it is super important to be confident in who you are before moving to this step! You should walk into the room with your presence speaking so loudly that the last thing they notice is your size!
• 4. Taking your clothes off: Now here's the struggle with this...girl you can't be girdled from your neck to your ankles all day, everyday and then you decide to take it to the next level and without warning all at once you introduce him to every roll on your body! Introduce him slowly...one roll at a time, I say! lol No but seriously...if you don't feel comfortable enough to share your body insecurities with him, than you're probably not ready to share your body with him.
• 3. "Is it because I'm fat" Syndrome: You've been dating this man for months and everything is good...but every time something questionable happens you blame your being fat. STOP IT girl! Your fatness is not a secret to him...he is well aware that it's there. So quit acting like any time a little tension arises he suddenly discovers your milkshake! The Milkshake is what brought him to the yard in the first place!
• 2. Skinny Friends: I can't begin to tell you how many times an acquaintance has said to me "You're always going on dates, yet I can't seem to find anyone" Biiiish! what exactly does that mean!? Be weary of those chicks...who think that you being a fattie make you less deserving of a love life than them. But I don't get annoyed anymore...now I just respond by saying "Maybe you should eat something..." *insert hair flip*
• 1. Beware the BBW Chaser:  You know him! He brags about liking his women big like its some sort of damn badge! He asks to touch your rolls, He tries to feed you constantly, He consistently makes reference to your fat in a sexual way...he views you as a fetish. If you're looking for fun...perhaps that cool...But if you're looking for love...that's going to get old real quick!!Be sure to find out if he's in it for the fetish or because he genuinely likes who you are!

Hope you enjoyed my tips! Above all...take chances, buy into who you are, own your identity and have fun!

Light and Love,

Miss Fat & Bougie

DJ and the Hibachi *Bonus Post*

Am I the only one whose friends will not  allow them to forget their dates from hell?? I swear I be trying to wipe it clear from my memory but the jerks I call friends, every now and again for their own pleasure will remind me of the time I almost got proposed to on a first date, or the time I got yelled at for being late.

So the other day I was talking with a friend and somehow she found a way to turn the topic to Quani's worst first dates (that sounds like a blog post...hmmm perhaps) and it reminded me of a guy that I was dating last summer...we'll call him "Mr. DJ".

I met him through a mutual friend who had grown up with him. He'd told me to expect a call from him and within a few hours he called. Now first impressions are usually reliable and this time was no different but y'all know me Ms. Doubt...first name: Benefit Of The! You see within 30 seconds of the conversation he started having side conversations with random people in the background without as much as a "hold on". That is my pet peeve! If you have stuff going on call me back or wait to call me... I mean geez! So during the conversation he bragged about how he was a successful DJ and how he worked consistently and even did some radio work. He told me he owned a house in NJ that his grandparents had passed down to him. He explained that he'd had an accident that totaled his car but that he was working on getting another one. Although I wasn't exactly moved by his lack of modesty I just figured that it was not intentional.

So for the next couple of months we talked and eventually met one night when I went to see him at one of his gigs. First impression was that he did not exactly look like the pictures he'd sent me and that he dressed as if someone had just pulled him out of the "Big Pimpin" video of 2000. Nonetheless I made a choice to overlook such trivial things.

Throughout our short courtship a few suspicious things happened. He would constantly be getting rides to his "gigs" from these random women, I discovered one day that his mom and him lived together...now he claimed she had experienced some hard times so he let her move in...but by the way it appeared, he lived with her. The second time we met up...he introduced me to her, as his girlfriend. I damn near choked on the Hershey's with almond that I was savoring at the moment but to spare him embarrassment I just smiled and nodded. He later said that it was just easier to introduce me as such. But the main thing that I started to notice was that he never ever had money! Something was always "coming up" that would leave him broke but I dismissed it because his pockets had nothing to do with me generally speaking.

Until... One day he called me begging me to come see him. He lived about 35 minutes from me and didn't drive so of course, so unless he was in the area I'd have to go to him. This one day he was so persistent. He wanted to take me out to this Hibachi style restaurant. So of course when I learned that food was involved my fat ass got up and got dressed! ...I should've just stayed home.

When I arrived at "his" house he met me outside in a wife beater and some dingy ass ball shorts...I was instantly irked! There I was in my car chanting my woo-sah's thinking to myself..."nigga! you just had 3 hours to get dressed tho". In the middle of my attempting to get my mind right I could hear him bellowing from the porch telling me to come inside. Finally I got out of the car and walked inside to find his sister on the couch in what seemed like a very intense conversation. I walked to him room where he was sitting down on his bed like we didn't have anywhere to go. After asking him why he wasn't dressed he explained that it would only take a few minutes. My heart dropped as he grabbed his jean capri shorts off of a chair...I swear me and them shorts had just as many dates as me and Mr. DJ!!! As he grabbed the largest black tee shirt ever made he expressed that he was pissed off. Like the gentleman that I am...I inquired why he was so upset. He went on to tell me that his mom had asked him for 20 dollars and that it was his last 20 but that she had guilted him into giving it to her. Now of course at that moment my sympathy was more for my belly than his pockets!! So I asked if that meant that we couldn't go out and he just stared for a minute before saying that he had some extra money.

I don't know if y'all remember...a few years ago there was this trend, everyone was wearing those like black bedazzled bead bracelets and matching chains? Do you know what i'm talking about?? Well Mr. DJ took an extra half hour looking for his chain and bracelet as he proclaimed that he felt "naked" without them. Girl by this time...I was about 70% done with his ass. So as he made his finishing touches he asked "Do you think you could pay and i'll pay you back at the end of the week?" for which I replied "No." The thing is...I don't have any problems with paying usually...but it was his thoughtlessness and arrogance...just assuming that I would that annoyed me...it was the principle of it all. I then asked if that meant that i'd just wasted gas, drove in my hot ass hooptie with no AC, and spent the last 40 minutes watching him get dressed in the best clothes 1999 had to offer! He insisted that he had money and that he was just asking to see what I would say...guess I failed that test...proudly!!

Finally we were ready to go..however as we walked outside we found his sister sprawled across the hood of his mother's car crying like DMX on "Couple's Therapy" ... So Mr. DJ went over to find out what was wrong with her. After about another 20 minutes he was finally in the car and we were on our way. The restaurant was about 15 minutes away and as I was about to pull into a parking spot....wait for it....

This mothaluvah said...and I quote " So you gon' pay right?" when I say I hit the break so hard we both jerked damn near through the windshield. I felt the fire about to come through my nostrils as I calmly asked " soooo...you don't have any money?" to which he replied no. Without another word I just started driving out of the parking lot.

 "So you just gonna leave" he asked.
 "Hell Yes!" I replied.

He then asked me to pull into an apartment complex where his father lived. I could hear him on the phone with his dad who was on his way back home. He got out of the car and told me he'd be right back. 20 minutes later he returned. I know y'all are wondering why I stayed...and trust me it's not what you think! I wanted so badly to just leave his ass there and take my damn self to the Hibachi...but listen I drive a hooptie...I've made that no secret and well alejandro (my car) had started overheating a little bit so I had to let it cool down before I took that drive back home. Mr. DJ's ass just happened to make it back out before I left.

But when he returned he jumped in the car and said "aight, we out!" No three words have never boiled my blood the way these had...the audacity of this creep to be arrogant and cocky about having to borrow money from his father. Then I had to make a decision...do I drop his ass off home or do I make him spend his little bit of money on me..... *blank stare*

So as we sat down to eat I said absolutely nothing to him. He eventually got annoyed by that and asked what the big deal was...I mean after all we'd made it to the restaurant. and that, my friends, is when I went the hell off!! I mean OFF!! In a nutshell I brought up everything from him supposedly working  8 days a week...with no kids and still being broke all the time, him introducing me to people as his girlfriend...even the fact that he still wore Air Force 1's...I just went off! After all of that he apologized profusely asking me to give him another chance.

Then he told me he was going to the bathroom...after about 15 minutes I started to worry that he had dined and dashed and left my smart ass mouth right there at that table. I called him, he picked up and told me that he had been in the bathroom the whole time...taking a shit...to make room for more food... (his words...not mine). Welp that was the end of the night for me! I told him that i'd be in the car waiting. He came out a couple of minutes later and I drove him home. He asked me to come in for a minute so that we could talk... I don't know why I did it...honestly I think it was because I knew that was the last time i'd see him and I actually felt a little bad for him. as we went to him room...y'all... his mom, his sister and her friend were all sitting on his bed (that had no sheets on it btw) watching tv. but he didn't tell them to get out...nooo he told me to find a spot on his sheetless bed and sit down.

At that moment I suddenly had an emergency and had to leave...or at least that's the story I told as I exited the home. He tried to kiss me goodnight but I just turned my cheek towards him as I hurried into my car and left. We never spoke again...I mean he called...I just never answered.

Story of my life....

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

Under Construction. Check back soon...

So it would appear that i'm in a rut...

For some reason the winter always seems to put me in a rut...one way or another. Most of the time it just means that I lose most interest in fashion and getting dressed up, which is definitely a hobby for me, and that I don't really feel like going out as much as I would in the spring and summer.

But this winter things are a little more intense... my style and social enthusiasm has been effected by more than just the snow! Some how within like a 2 month period I managed to gain 30 pounds which has made me heavier than I've ever been! The thing is that normally my weight is pretty consistent...it's just as hard for me to gain weight as it is for me to lose it but clearly something has triggered a spike in my weight and I just can't figure it out.

It sucks!

And here's the thing about that... I've always done a good job of making peace with my size. I've never dreamt of being skinny and most of my weight daydreams consists of me being a fit and curvy size 16. So up until this last 30 lbs of weight gain, even though I wasn't thrilled with my size...I was certainly at peace. That was until I realized that just about none of my clothes would fit me anymore... so now it's like "Tights City" around here...and girl...Just No!

Now before I get a million "just change your diet" "just go to the gym" Just this...Just that...Just don't bother sending me those messages!! Don't you think that if it were that simple for me it would be done already. What bothers me so much about my "peers" (other fatties) is that they are so quick to spew advice to you that clearly they are having issues with following themselves. I get it...you lost weight that one time...that does not make you an expert...especially when it comes to my body!! I know that change needs to take place but I'm wise enough to know that the change needs to take place in my mind and spirit first or I won't stay committed to any changes. I'm working on it...so let me be great.

Problem is...now it's effecting my desire to date. As I've stated times before, I have never had issues with feeling worthy of and confident about dating while fat...but apparently I do have a concern about dating while FATTER! I'm pretty sure that I am officially out of my comfort zone and one thing that I know for sure is that no man... or no person, in fact. will buy into a product, idea, or person if the one presenting it does not buy into it themselves!! So for that reason I have declined to go on most dates for the past few months...I haven't even made an effort to meet anyone. Now I don't think that's necessarily wrong but it's also not helpful.

I don't even know where i'm going with this post...I think I just wanted to be able to share that there are struggles...even if you are confident, bold, secure...we all have our moments and I am INDEED in the midst of one of mine!

You know what I wish...I wish I could just meet someone and for once not have to assess how my weight might play a role in our relationship...no analyzing...no surmising... just be able to be me and be confident that that is enough...take it or leave it! I hope that when my hibernation is over this spring that I awake with that renewed sense of being...

I'm also just sick and tired of these extra 30 lbs...and the 40 that came before that! I've created a plan to tackle the extra weight... now if only I could manage to find a plan to tackle actually starting the plan...

uuuuugh...the struggle!

Sincerely (from my hibernation quarters),

Miss Fat & Bougie 

Jay, No Z...

You know the experiences that sticks with you no matter how long ago it was? The kind that you can't help but to smile about...it's one of those memories that you can find no bad in and even when you do...it doesn't matter, these kinds of memories just leave a warm feeling in the middle of your chest and you're just grateful that you experienced it! I can count the number of like experiences that i've had in my entire life. The first time I held a boy's hand when I was like 10, the first time I kissed a boy wasn't until I was 13 or the time my high school crush rode with me on the 2 train to 116th street in Harlem and walked me to my church!

 What makes these kinds of memories so special are that they're so unfinished, so incomplete...so the hope or fantasy of what could've been sticks with you...leaving you with those good thoughts! Having my hand held in the backseat as I rode back to New York from Virginia Beach, by the cutest boy on my vacation...who had his pick of girls was mystical to me...and even though I knew I'd never see him again because he lived so far away I was left with the pure feeling of being wanted. Getting to have my first kiss with Raheem...the brother of my childhood best friend, the boy I'd grown up with, the boy who threw me in a trash can when we were 11 but wrote me love letters when we were 12 , the first boy I think I ever "loved" sealed my "childhood" chapter as I moved from Brooklyn to the this great new world of Harlem, NY. And you see High School was a tough experience for me! I was in my ugly ducking phase...never being liked back by the ones I liked, never experiencing what it was like to have a boyfriend, go on dates, wear the cutest clothes or have the coolest friends...so the day that my crush Alex finally noticed and acknowledged me it gave me that one good memory that I'd could carry for years to come...even though soon after he transferred out of our school and we never spoke again. The point is this, those situations that don't necessarily get to play out are sometimes the best because it's like pausing a movie at the happiest moment and leaving it there.

Of all of these memories one sticks out from my adult life. It was the summer of 2005, i'd just come back to NY after graduating from college and I met a guy. I don't remember how we met but what I do remember is that I was broke as hell, fresh out of a terrible relationship, back in my mama's house and feeling a little overwhelmed with trying to be a "real adult". It's like he just appeared...almost like he'd always been there. I remember the first night we spent time together. He met me outside of my house on Seneca avenue in the Hunt's Point section of the Bronx. I stood at my gate as I watched him walk up the block, profiling him from a mile away. Such a cutie pie he was! He looked to have been mixed with some Hispanic heritage and had the cutest smile i'd ever laid eyes on...it was the type of smile that made YOU smile when you seen it. He had on some typical NYC attire but very tailored, he was clean cut and he smelled ammmaaazing...like sunshine or some other corny shit. Ha! My first thoughts were that he was a little short. I'd say he was somewhere between 5'7 and 5'9 but that was right in line with the guys that I usually dated. What wasn't up my alley though was his size...190 lbs at most which was a little thin for me but I told myself as he approached the gate that I wouldn't judge him based on something so facetious...

You know what stood out the most to me about Jay? it was his finesse...he was so calm, cool and collected at all times... he spoke to the part of me that needed to feel challenged, the part of me that didn't want a man who made it too easy and Jay was that! He never came off like he was trying too hard, it never seemed like he had anything to prove. Shit! so much so, that earlier on in our dealings I questioned his genuine interest in me. Anyway so there we were, sitting on the stoop of my duplex talking about everything. What he did for a living (he worked for UPS), If he was single (it seemed that way), If he had children (1...a baby daughter) but at some point we got lost in the conversation and we started talking about everything else under the sun. It was the most fun i'd had talking to a guy in quite some time. I'd just ended an "on again off again" relationship with, by far,the most "jerkliest" of boyfriends i'd ever had. He'd been very manipulative, mentally abusive and a cheater like you wouldn't believe...he was the low point of my dating life...everything that I warn women to stand clear of today, is all due to this guy that changed how I viewed myself, how I viewed men and the power dynamic of relationships. So I was in a very jaded place to say the least when Jay entered...which was what made him so refreshing and intriguing to me.

It seemed like we had spent an eternity on them steps talking. I laugh now remembering how much he loved Jay Z, he would quote random lines of his sporadically throughout the conversation. The thing was that usually that kinda shit annoyed me but with Jay I thought it was just the cutest thing. I think what really caught my interest though was how mysterious he was. While he shared some information...he was very careful to make me work for answers...down to his name. I must've asked him 100 times that night what "Jay" was short for and he insisted that it was short for Jay which I knew had to be a lie but being all young and "benefit of the doubty" I dismissed it as him just playing hard to get. As Jay and I walked up the block to the 6 train at the end of that night I couldn't help but wonder if he was too good for me. My self doubt said that he was way too handsome and too well put together for me. That I wasn't pretty enough and definitely too big for him... but all of those self deprecating thoughts that usually made me run from men, didn't this time for some reason...I think I thought that if I could manage to get Jay, that it would prove that I was pretty enough or good enough (this wouldn't be the last time I would feel like this with a man in this phase of my life) And as I walked back from the corner of Seneca and Hunts Point avenue I decided there was only one thing left to do that evening...go get me a chicken breast and a roll (with an extra roll on the side) from Crown Fried Chicken... (shout out to crown fried! woop woop!)

From that night on we talked what seemed like non stop. I'm pretty sure the reason we called each other instead of texting all day was that texts were not unlimited yet! So most of the time we'd wait until our night and weekend minutes and then just talk and talk. There's something about a man that can hold a decent conversation...unfortunately in the past few years the art of conversation has become all but extinct!!

 A couple of weeks later while my family was out of town, Jay finally made it off of the front stoop and upstairs. I don't think I was afraid of anything happening which is why I invited him up...or maybe it was that I wanted something to happen...either way...something happened girl! Now the thing is, I don't remember much of the specifics but what I do remember ever so well was that the chemistry that we shared was off of the charts!! In retrospect, I don't think either of us expected "us" to go as far as it did. In my mind Jay was a rebound...a way to detox from Jerky Mcjerkison...and I just assumed that Jay was just having fun after getting out of a serious relationship. But that is the exact reason why as women especially we have to be extremely careful with whom we share ourselves with because that person will always leave with a piece of you...and then we spend so much energy yearning after that person not realizing that it's really the piece of ourselves that they still have that we're really yearning to get back!! Damn! I just ministered to my own self right there!

I just remember feeling so connected to him...I'm pretty sure that prior to Jay I hadn't experienced what sex was suppose to feel like...on the physical level it was like placing your hand into a custom made, genuine "made for kings" leather, plush interior, glove (i'm the glove...OF COURSE) it was as if my glove had been made for his hand if you catch my drift. On a mental level J had the ability to speak LIFE into my drawers...commanding them to slip down, fold themselves and wait patiently on the nightstand! Before ever laying a hand on me I would be like putty in his hands, and this being a feeling I was not accustom to, it drove me up a wall. Now for the emotional connection... I remember laughing with my girlfriends who were back in Philly that Jay wasn't that big of a deal...that we were just hanging out and one of them telling me that I was fooling myself because she could hear in my voice how attached I'd become to him which lead to the day that I discovered that I loved Jay.

It had been two months of the most intense and addictive sex I'd ever had and while preparing for a visit from him one day I thought about something...in the 3 months that i'd been seeing J, he'd never kissed me...even during sex. Once again that "benefit of the doubt" weakness I possess kicked in and I told myself that it couldn't be intentional...because there was no damn way that that man could sex me down the way he had been and not be feeling me as much as I was feeling him. So as the day progressed and after yet another round of adult twister, as I lay in my bed watching him get dressed, I couldn't help myself any longer...I had to ask...even though I knew that there was a chance that the response could be a terrible one...the cocky side of me just knew that it wouldn't be because Jay just had to be seeing the same rainbows, unicorns and fairies that I was seeing after we had sex. So as I lay there feeling ever so confident, sexy and beautiful, I asked. "Why don't you ever kiss me?" and after a long pause he responded " I just don't kiss." I could literally feel the energy change in the room. Of course I pushed the issue asking if he ever really liked me and the more I pushed the more his "calm, cool and collected" demeanor changed. Eventually he pretty much said something to the effect of " I don't kiss and i'm not going to start...period". It wasn't really what he said as much as it was how he said it. He'd become so cold, distant and disconnected from me and the conversation. I was so hurt that I didn't even bother to walk him out...and the moment I heard the door shut...I burst out in tears! As the tears fell I was shocked...not at his answer but at my reaction! Why the hell was I experiencing this terrible ache over a guy who I was just "kicking" it with?! I think it was because in that moment I stopped feeling like what we had was the exception to the rule and started feeling like I was more of a jump off... like I was the chick that he just came through and popped every now and then...but if that was the case, then he wasn't playing fair! Because all the time we'd spent building...if it was all so that he could have sex with me then this effing game was rigged to assure that i'd lose!! I just remember feeling little...and without value to think that after all the time we'd spent together he still didn't think enough of me to show me affection... all at once his cold distant hand in my precious glove didn't seem so damn magical!

A few months passed before I saw Jay again... things had become so hectic in my personal life in NY that I picked up and moved from NY back to Philly with about 300 dollars to my name! I'd been living in Philly for like a month when I had to go back to NY for my uncle's funeral. Somehow Jay and I got in contact with one another. We made plans to see each other. For the first time I'd be going to Jay's house instead of him coming to mine. I remember taking a cab up to Parkchester...he met me at the cab and paid the driver before we went upstairs. The first thing I noticed when I got inside was that there were children's toys and furniture all over! Not like the home of a man who's child only visited on weekends. I ignored what my gut was telling me although I could tell that stuff had been removed from the area..like perhaps pictures. I convinced myself that I didn't care enough to ask any questions because I was over him...but I think I also knew that if what I thought was going on was really going on...there would be no way i'd have sex with him that night and to be honest I'd invested too many daydreams and hell...wet dreams in seeing him again and experiencing "our" magic. It didn't take long before we were ripping each other's clothes off in the middle of his living room, surrounded by baby furniture and toys. The nagging questions and feelings that I was having had to be all but drowned out in order for me to even begin to enjoy the sex. When it was all said and done though...I could feel that things were different. The magic had subsided and shit was just real between us...complicated, dramatic and never to be the same. As I left that night...I knew that my summer to remember was over.

Over the next couple of years Jay and I kept in contact occasionally. He would claim that he was going to come to Philly to see me but something would always come up. Let me tell y'all ladies about this gift that we have called intuition!! Every time J and I would talk I'd always ask him "How's your wife" because over the years every time I played back that last night we'd spent together in my mind...along with everything else that had happened that special summer...the only explanation that made sense to me was that Jay had been in a relationship all along and my naivety had stopped me from seeing it. Every time I'd ask him that though he'd insist that I was crazy and that he didn't know what I was talking about. I cant even count the number of times, over this period of separation, that I asked Jay to stop calling me...to let me go because even after years had passed I still felt like that putty in his hands... but he never would...he just kept holding on. Then one fall I had driven up to NY for a visit. I was in a whole different place...way more secure in my skin and thriving in Philly. I'd begun to develop my fashion sense and had discovered make up which had added to my  confidence as well. I decided I wanted to see Jay. I think more than anything I thought if he saw me he would see what he had missed out on because still in my mind ...I hadn't been good enough for Jay and that's why he hadn't done right by me. So we decided to meet somewhere around Castle Hill in the Bronx and as I sat in my car waiting I saw him walk around the corner and all at once it was the summer of 2005 again!!

The little drummer inside of my heart, went to work!!

When he got in the car we just talked....like we were back on that stoop catching up. I was sure to brag about all the great things that I had going on and he was just as evasive about his life as he had ever been. Then for old time sake I asked "How's your wife?" and he responded "She's cool." With no further explanation! There were a million things I could've said in that moment but instead I said nothing. It was like relief to me oddly enough. I was just grateful for him being honest with me for once, it confirmed that I wasn't crazy! and it made me feel like he knew that he owed me that and for once I felt like it wasn't me...it wasn't that I hadn't been good enough for him but that he just couldn't give me what I deserved because he didn't have it to give! We talked for a while longer.. I remember asking him "do I look different" because to me I was a lot more polished than I had been in the past. But he told me no...which made me feel vulnerable all over again. He went on to tell me that he thought I was as pretty as I'd always been and that no matter what, he saw me for who I was. I could tell without a doubt that Jay had changed which gave me the courage to address the whole kissing thing. He insisted that he was just stupid at the time. He knew that i'd started growing attached and that he never expected for things to get as deep as they had. He looked me in my eyes and told me that it never had anything to do with me...that there was nothing wrong with me...that he was the fucked up one and he gave me no reason to doubt anything he was saying. We made plans to meet up the next day before I would be driving back to Philly and then...He gripped my chin and pulled me in to him and kissed me. Not in some overly sexual way, not a "I want something from you" kiss...it was a "let me right my wrong" kiss...and as he got out of my car, assuring me that he'd call me, I knew that i'd never see Jay again.

 I had come there for closure that night but I don't think I ever expected to get it the way that I did. After a few years, he found me on Facebook. He was married with two kids and had moved out of NY. Initially it broke my heart but eventually I was happy for him...and grateful that we'd had that magical experience. To this day I have nothing but good feelings about our time together...and I hope he has the same...

Sincerely, 

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. I know I'm a week late and for that I sincerely apologize but without any further ado...the winner of February's Subscriber Giveaway is:

Stacei Vick

Congrats!!! Please email me at quaniboyd@gmail.com to claim you gift card!

Fat Bougie Chick's Top 10 Do's & Dont's of Online Dating

Hey Hey! So this week's post is a little late because the post that I was working on had me jonesing just a little too hard and that's the LAST thing I need while I'm in this horrific, terrible, and for the ghaatdamn birds drought that I'm in...so after a few cold showers and a stiff drink, I'll get back to that!

In the meantime I decided there was no time like the present to tackle that "Do's & Dont's" list I promised I'd write about last week...so without further ado here it is!!

Fat Bougie Chick's Top 10 Do's & Dont's of Online Dating

• 10. Do find out the living arrangements of your date before going to his place!! The last thing you want to do is decide to go back to his house and his "cousins" Rico,Chico,Niko, Fleeco and Connie are sitting in the living room rolling up a fat one and playing spades! I mean it seems like an obvious one but as women especially, we are sometimes way too trusting! Just because he has a nice smile and smells good does not mean that he is necessarily trust worthy...don't be afraid to ask the 21 and a half questions!! That is your right and your duty and if he has a problem with that...trust me when I say...he ain't worth the first, second or third date! and on top of that there is NO way in upper or lower hell that a grown man should be sharing a one bedroom apartment with so many grown damn men... ain't that much saving up in the world!!

• 9. Do let your expectations be known early on. I am very big on consistency...I don't know a woman that isn't but the difference is that I live by the code of consistency...especially when it comes to dating! So I always make it clear to a guy that the way he can prove to me that he is about what he says he's about and not just BS'ing me is to do the things he says he will. Do what you say you're going to do...reach out to me consistently and spend time with me. Whatever it is that you expect...you can't just think that the guy will know that...that's true with any kind of dating but specifically online dating because I'm telling you some of these men are starting from dating level ZERO!

• 8. Do drive your own car or meet your date at the location of the date. Although it has never happened to me I have this irrational fear that my date would come pick me up from home and we'd go to a nice restaurant at which time he'd turn out to be a jerk and I'd let him know that's what he is so he would tell me he was going to the bathroom and then leave me in the middle of the restaurant by myself with a mouth full of free bread and a bill that I have no intentions on paying!! Ooooor he'd drive me to some heavily wooded area at which time I'd have to open up the car door while he's driving...jump out, tuck and roll because that's how all murder scenes start and who has time to die tonight!?! "Not me!" said the Cat!

• 7. Don't respond to any messages from men who attempt to get your number before they ask you anything about yourself or tells you anything about them. This may sound unbelievable for men aged 25 and up but men get on these sites to collect numbers like they're baseball cards!! I promise you it happens way more often than you'd think.

• 6. Do respond when they send you messages at 2 AM asking you what you are doing or "What part of the city do you live in?". Yes, I did say DO respond. Why? because it's entertaining. When I get those messages I already know what the intentions are...there are creeps who get online at 2 AM hoping to catch a girl in a vulnerable place during booty call hours...but just call me The Booty Call Crook...my job is to steal all hopes and dreams of a booty call with my ass!! Ain't gon' happen...not never! So when I get those messages I like to respond with answers like "running a marathon...how about you?" or "shaving my underarm hair" or when they ask what part of the city I live in I'll say something like "North" and they ask "where in North?" and I say "The north side of North" and this will go on until they get annoyed and leave me the hell alone...and I go back to watch "The Office" on Netflix and eating my spicy Doritos.

• 5. Do ask details about when their last relationship ended. A lot of men on these sites are testing the waters before they dive out of their baby mom's pool and into the next one. In other words a large amount of guys are not fully single when they start looking on these sites...they could be trying to see what their odds are in meeting someone new in time for the break up or auditioning for a new side chick...sad but totes true!! So I ask questions like "how long have you been out of your relationship"...if it's within 6 months...don't do it gurh because he is still in the "work it out" phase of his relationship!! I also ask when was the last time he's seen or spoken to his ex, how old their child together is, etc. because all of those things can tell you a lot about where he may stand. Of course he could just lie about everything but he'll be very cautious going forward because he knows that you're looking for proof of his singleness.

• 4. Don't entertain messages that make reference to your body in a sexual nature! The other day I got a message like "Mmmm baby I would handle you real well" the moment you respond, you open up the floodgates of this dirty-dicked , foolish ass floozy (men can be floozies too!) to think that he can talk you out of your drawers...follow my lead...just block his ass!

• 3. Do Set standards for yourself before you start the process... it's important to know what you want and don't want, what you will and won't do. Men respond positively to a woman who knows what she wants and it also lets him know that he has to step his game up in order to step to you...trust me it will eliminate a lot of the lames. I made sure to write a very detailed profile with everything I think a man should know about me before approaching me and I can't tell you how many messages I get with men saying that they loved that I was so detailed and that I know what I want. It's also important to set limits like, not going to any one's home until a set amount of dates, no sex until a set amount of time that you're comfortable with,  and when you'd be willing to talk about a relationship (not after the first date though because these men will try it! trust me) 

• 2. Do be willing to go dutch sometimes! Now I have this thing...I believe wholeheartedly that a woman should be courted however...so should a man. It's up to you to let him see the type of woman that you are. And for me personally it's important that he knows that I'm all about the 50/50...yes I want to be wined and dined but I also have no problem doing the same! Here's the thing though...I don't ever pay on the first date...because it's important for me to see how a man will respond before he knows that I believe in going dutch. I want a man who is willing to be the traditional gentleman, even though he doesn't have to be!

• 1. and number one is Don't trust that just because he/she dresses nicely or has a nice car that they have their lives in order! a couple of years ago I was talking to this man who we'll call "Gucci this, Louie that". Well "Mr. GTLT" had talked a good game and I finally decided to go out with him. We went to a couple of places to have some drinks. I found humor in the fact that he had pulled out every name brand item in his closet to go bar hopping. I mean literally he had on a Gucci hat, belt and sneakers (I think) Even his wallet was name designer. As we left one location to travel to the next he disarmed his car that was halfway down the block just so I could notice that it was a Benz convertible. I guess he thought he might be impressing me but all I could do was go back and forth in my mind whether he sold crack, pills or weed...seeing how he'd evaded the question of employment throughout the night...finally insisting that he owned barbershops (why do all drug dealers buy barbershops tho???) At the end of the date he asked me to come chill at his place...now let me start by saying I am the damn spokesperson for never ever going to a date's house or inviting them to yours at least until after 3 dates. Not because you'll have sex but because it's important to build and graduate to new stages (he may never say it but a man is watching to see if you have standards set for yourself too!!) Anywho my curiosity got the best of me because I figured his house just had to be fly as hell and so I decided there was no harm it. We arrived on his block to these huge houses with elaborate lawns and I got excited thinking about the barbecues we could have on the lawn down the line if we worked out (now ladies don't e'em front...you know we can plan a whole lifetime with a man in the first 5 minutes of meeting him...that's our damn problem!) So after walking up what seemed like 85 steps we got inside to darkness. He told me to have a seat...in the darkness and he'd be right back. well girl! this is the stop that the fairytale got off on!! After about 2 minutes I could hear the voice of two "middle aged" people upstairs arguing and furthermore they sounded drunk as hayle!! Not whiteboy wasted drunk...nooo like 5 heartbeats, Eddie King Jr. ,"Nights Like This" drunk!!! I grappled with the thought of just jumping off that couch and running out of that house to my car...but I couldn't help it...the curiosity was eating away at me. Finally he invited me upstairs...and I wish I woulda said a prayer, chant or something before I got up there because She (me, her) was NOT ready!!! I walked into the smallest room I have ever seen in my entire, project living, studio renting life (the years before I upgraded myself!)...I mean this room looked like it was built for a smurf! I mean there was room for a bed ...and some slippers!!! What appalled me even further was that half of his matchbox was filled with sneaker boxes to.the.ceiling.! All at once I blamed him for everything that was wrong with the Black community!! Then this fool had the nerve to tell me to sit on his bed so we could watch a movie...on a little baby TV that was propped up on...yup you guessed it...some sneaker boxes!! I couldn't even fake anymore...I made up an excuse and told Mr. Gucci this, Louie that, Benz convertable, but Futon bed that I had to be going and I dipped up outta there with the quickness...I remember laughing when I got in the car as I thought that God was getting me back for going against my better judgement and going to that man's house... lesson to be learned? sometimes a man would rather wear and drive his house...smdh. 

I have sooooo many more for this list so i'll do a part two at a later date!! At the end of the day beauties...and gents...there is no excuse to not be really truly living in 2014...stop waiting for things to come to you...take the reigns of your life!! No, every situation won't be ideal...but at least you'll be able to add another memory to your mental scrapbook!! 

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. I'll be announcing the Giveaway winner tomorrow at noon!! Stay tuned!!