DJ and the Hibachi *Bonus Post*

Am I the only one whose friends will not  allow them to forget their dates from hell?? I swear I be trying to wipe it clear from my memory but the jerks I call friends, every now and again for their own pleasure will remind me of the time I almost got proposed to on a first date, or the time I got yelled at for being late.

So the other day I was talking with a friend and somehow she found a way to turn the topic to Quani's worst first dates (that sounds like a blog post...hmmm perhaps) and it reminded me of a guy that I was dating last summer...we'll call him "Mr. DJ".

I met him through a mutual friend who had grown up with him. He'd told me to expect a call from him and within a few hours he called. Now first impressions are usually reliable and this time was no different but y'all know me Ms. Doubt...first name: Benefit Of The! You see within 30 seconds of the conversation he started having side conversations with random people in the background without as much as a "hold on". That is my pet peeve! If you have stuff going on call me back or wait to call me... I mean geez! So during the conversation he bragged about how he was a successful DJ and how he worked consistently and even did some radio work. He told me he owned a house in NJ that his grandparents had passed down to him. He explained that he'd had an accident that totaled his car but that he was working on getting another one. Although I wasn't exactly moved by his lack of modesty I just figured that it was not intentional.

So for the next couple of months we talked and eventually met one night when I went to see him at one of his gigs. First impression was that he did not exactly look like the pictures he'd sent me and that he dressed as if someone had just pulled him out of the "Big Pimpin" video of 2000. Nonetheless I made a choice to overlook such trivial things.

Throughout our short courtship a few suspicious things happened. He would constantly be getting rides to his "gigs" from these random women, I discovered one day that his mom and him lived together...now he claimed she had experienced some hard times so he let her move in...but by the way it appeared, he lived with her. The second time we met up...he introduced me to her, as his girlfriend. I damn near choked on the Hershey's with almond that I was savoring at the moment but to spare him embarrassment I just smiled and nodded. He later said that it was just easier to introduce me as such. But the main thing that I started to notice was that he never ever had money! Something was always "coming up" that would leave him broke but I dismissed it because his pockets had nothing to do with me generally speaking.

Until... One day he called me begging me to come see him. He lived about 35 minutes from me and didn't drive so of course, so unless he was in the area I'd have to go to him. This one day he was so persistent. He wanted to take me out to this Hibachi style restaurant. So of course when I learned that food was involved my fat ass got up and got dressed! ...I should've just stayed home.

When I arrived at "his" house he met me outside in a wife beater and some dingy ass ball shorts...I was instantly irked! There I was in my car chanting my woo-sah's thinking to myself..."nigga! you just had 3 hours to get dressed tho". In the middle of my attempting to get my mind right I could hear him bellowing from the porch telling me to come inside. Finally I got out of the car and walked inside to find his sister on the couch in what seemed like a very intense conversation. I walked to him room where he was sitting down on his bed like we didn't have anywhere to go. After asking him why he wasn't dressed he explained that it would only take a few minutes. My heart dropped as he grabbed his jean capri shorts off of a chair...I swear me and them shorts had just as many dates as me and Mr. DJ!!! As he grabbed the largest black tee shirt ever made he expressed that he was pissed off. Like the gentleman that I am...I inquired why he was so upset. He went on to tell me that his mom had asked him for 20 dollars and that it was his last 20 but that she had guilted him into giving it to her. Now of course at that moment my sympathy was more for my belly than his pockets!! So I asked if that meant that we couldn't go out and he just stared for a minute before saying that he had some extra money.

I don't know if y'all remember...a few years ago there was this trend, everyone was wearing those like black bedazzled bead bracelets and matching chains? Do you know what i'm talking about?? Well Mr. DJ took an extra half hour looking for his chain and bracelet as he proclaimed that he felt "naked" without them. Girl by this time...I was about 70% done with his ass. So as he made his finishing touches he asked "Do you think you could pay and i'll pay you back at the end of the week?" for which I replied "No." The thing is...I don't have any problems with paying usually...but it was his thoughtlessness and arrogance...just assuming that I would that annoyed me...it was the principle of it all. I then asked if that meant that i'd just wasted gas, drove in my hot ass hooptie with no AC, and spent the last 40 minutes watching him get dressed in the best clothes 1999 had to offer! He insisted that he had money and that he was just asking to see what I would say...guess I failed that test...proudly!!

Finally we were ready to go..however as we walked outside we found his sister sprawled across the hood of his mother's car crying like DMX on "Couple's Therapy" ... So Mr. DJ went over to find out what was wrong with her. After about another 20 minutes he was finally in the car and we were on our way. The restaurant was about 15 minutes away and as I was about to pull into a parking spot....wait for it....

This mothaluvah said...and I quote " So you gon' pay right?" when I say I hit the break so hard we both jerked damn near through the windshield. I felt the fire about to come through my nostrils as I calmly asked " soooo...you don't have any money?" to which he replied no. Without another word I just started driving out of the parking lot.

 "So you just gonna leave" he asked.
 "Hell Yes!" I replied.

He then asked me to pull into an apartment complex where his father lived. I could hear him on the phone with his dad who was on his way back home. He got out of the car and told me he'd be right back. 20 minutes later he returned. I know y'all are wondering why I stayed...and trust me it's not what you think! I wanted so badly to just leave his ass there and take my damn self to the Hibachi...but listen I drive a hooptie...I've made that no secret and well alejandro (my car) had started overheating a little bit so I had to let it cool down before I took that drive back home. Mr. DJ's ass just happened to make it back out before I left.

But when he returned he jumped in the car and said "aight, we out!" No three words have never boiled my blood the way these had...the audacity of this creep to be arrogant and cocky about having to borrow money from his father. Then I had to make a decision...do I drop his ass off home or do I make him spend his little bit of money on me..... *blank stare*

So as we sat down to eat I said absolutely nothing to him. He eventually got annoyed by that and asked what the big deal was...I mean after all we'd made it to the restaurant. and that, my friends, is when I went the hell off!! I mean OFF!! In a nutshell I brought up everything from him supposedly working  8 days a week...with no kids and still being broke all the time, him introducing me to people as his girlfriend...even the fact that he still wore Air Force 1's...I just went off! After all of that he apologized profusely asking me to give him another chance.

Then he told me he was going to the bathroom...after about 15 minutes I started to worry that he had dined and dashed and left my smart ass mouth right there at that table. I called him, he picked up and told me that he had been in the bathroom the whole time...taking a shit...to make room for more food... (his words...not mine). Welp that was the end of the night for me! I told him that i'd be in the car waiting. He came out a couple of minutes later and I drove him home. He asked me to come in for a minute so that we could talk... I don't know why I did it...honestly I think it was because I knew that was the last time i'd see him and I actually felt a little bad for him. as we went to him room...y'all... his mom, his sister and her friend were all sitting on his bed (that had no sheets on it btw) watching tv. but he didn't tell them to get out...nooo he told me to find a spot on his sheetless bed and sit down.

At that moment I suddenly had an emergency and had to leave...or at least that's the story I told as I exited the home. He tried to kiss me goodnight but I just turned my cheek towards him as I hurried into my car and left. We never spoke again...I mean he called...I just never answered.

Story of my life....

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

Under Construction. Check back soon...

So it would appear that i'm in a rut...

For some reason the winter always seems to put me in a rut...one way or another. Most of the time it just means that I lose most interest in fashion and getting dressed up, which is definitely a hobby for me, and that I don't really feel like going out as much as I would in the spring and summer.

But this winter things are a little more intense... my style and social enthusiasm has been effected by more than just the snow! Some how within like a 2 month period I managed to gain 30 pounds which has made me heavier than I've ever been! The thing is that normally my weight is pretty consistent...it's just as hard for me to gain weight as it is for me to lose it but clearly something has triggered a spike in my weight and I just can't figure it out.

It sucks!

And here's the thing about that... I've always done a good job of making peace with my size. I've never dreamt of being skinny and most of my weight daydreams consists of me being a fit and curvy size 16. So up until this last 30 lbs of weight gain, even though I wasn't thrilled with my size...I was certainly at peace. That was until I realized that just about none of my clothes would fit me anymore... so now it's like "Tights City" around here...and girl...Just No!

Now before I get a million "just change your diet" "just go to the gym" Just this...Just that...Just don't bother sending me those messages!! Don't you think that if it were that simple for me it would be done already. What bothers me so much about my "peers" (other fatties) is that they are so quick to spew advice to you that clearly they are having issues with following themselves. I get it...you lost weight that one time...that does not make you an expert...especially when it comes to my body!! I know that change needs to take place but I'm wise enough to know that the change needs to take place in my mind and spirit first or I won't stay committed to any changes. I'm working on it...so let me be great.

Problem is...now it's effecting my desire to date. As I've stated times before, I have never had issues with feeling worthy of and confident about dating while fat...but apparently I do have a concern about dating while FATTER! I'm pretty sure that I am officially out of my comfort zone and one thing that I know for sure is that no man... or no person, in fact. will buy into a product, idea, or person if the one presenting it does not buy into it themselves!! So for that reason I have declined to go on most dates for the past few months...I haven't even made an effort to meet anyone. Now I don't think that's necessarily wrong but it's also not helpful.

I don't even know where i'm going with this post...I think I just wanted to be able to share that there are struggles...even if you are confident, bold, secure...we all have our moments and I am INDEED in the midst of one of mine!

You know what I wish...I wish I could just meet someone and for once not have to assess how my weight might play a role in our relationship...no analyzing...no surmising... just be able to be me and be confident that that is enough...take it or leave it! I hope that when my hibernation is over this spring that I awake with that renewed sense of being...

I'm also just sick and tired of these extra 30 lbs...and the 40 that came before that! I've created a plan to tackle the extra weight... now if only I could manage to find a plan to tackle actually starting the plan...

uuuuugh...the struggle!

Sincerely (from my hibernation quarters),

Miss Fat & Bougie 

Jay, No Z...

You know the experiences that sticks with you no matter how long ago it was? The kind that you can't help but to smile about...it's one of those memories that you can find no bad in and even when you do...it doesn't matter, these kinds of memories just leave a warm feeling in the middle of your chest and you're just grateful that you experienced it! I can count the number of like experiences that i've had in my entire life. The first time I held a boy's hand when I was like 10, the first time I kissed a boy wasn't until I was 13 or the time my high school crush rode with me on the 2 train to 116th street in Harlem and walked me to my church!

 What makes these kinds of memories so special are that they're so unfinished, so incomplete...so the hope or fantasy of what could've been sticks with you...leaving you with those good thoughts! Having my hand held in the backseat as I rode back to New York from Virginia Beach, by the cutest boy on my vacation...who had his pick of girls was mystical to me...and even though I knew I'd never see him again because he lived so far away I was left with the pure feeling of being wanted. Getting to have my first kiss with Raheem...the brother of my childhood best friend, the boy I'd grown up with, the boy who threw me in a trash can when we were 11 but wrote me love letters when we were 12 , the first boy I think I ever "loved" sealed my "childhood" chapter as I moved from Brooklyn to the this great new world of Harlem, NY. And you see High School was a tough experience for me! I was in my ugly ducking phase...never being liked back by the ones I liked, never experiencing what it was like to have a boyfriend, go on dates, wear the cutest clothes or have the coolest friends...so the day that my crush Alex finally noticed and acknowledged me it gave me that one good memory that I'd could carry for years to come...even though soon after he transferred out of our school and we never spoke again. The point is this, those situations that don't necessarily get to play out are sometimes the best because it's like pausing a movie at the happiest moment and leaving it there.

Of all of these memories one sticks out from my adult life. It was the summer of 2005, i'd just come back to NY after graduating from college and I met a guy. I don't remember how we met but what I do remember is that I was broke as hell, fresh out of a terrible relationship, back in my mama's house and feeling a little overwhelmed with trying to be a "real adult". It's like he just appeared...almost like he'd always been there. I remember the first night we spent time together. He met me outside of my house on Seneca avenue in the Hunt's Point section of the Bronx. I stood at my gate as I watched him walk up the block, profiling him from a mile away. Such a cutie pie he was! He looked to have been mixed with some Hispanic heritage and had the cutest smile i'd ever laid eyes on...it was the type of smile that made YOU smile when you seen it. He had on some typical NYC attire but very tailored, he was clean cut and he smelled ammmaaazing...like sunshine or some other corny shit. Ha! My first thoughts were that he was a little short. I'd say he was somewhere between 5'7 and 5'9 but that was right in line with the guys that I usually dated. What wasn't up my alley though was his size...190 lbs at most which was a little thin for me but I told myself as he approached the gate that I wouldn't judge him based on something so facetious...

You know what stood out the most to me about Jay? it was his finesse...he was so calm, cool and collected at all times... he spoke to the part of me that needed to feel challenged, the part of me that didn't want a man who made it too easy and Jay was that! He never came off like he was trying too hard, it never seemed like he had anything to prove. Shit! so much so, that earlier on in our dealings I questioned his genuine interest in me. Anyway so there we were, sitting on the stoop of my duplex talking about everything. What he did for a living (he worked for UPS), If he was single (it seemed that way), If he had children (1...a baby daughter) but at some point we got lost in the conversation and we started talking about everything else under the sun. It was the most fun i'd had talking to a guy in quite some time. I'd just ended an "on again off again" relationship with, by far,the most "jerkliest" of boyfriends i'd ever had. He'd been very manipulative, mentally abusive and a cheater like you wouldn't believe...he was the low point of my dating life...everything that I warn women to stand clear of today, is all due to this guy that changed how I viewed myself, how I viewed men and the power dynamic of relationships. So I was in a very jaded place to say the least when Jay entered...which was what made him so refreshing and intriguing to me.

It seemed like we had spent an eternity on them steps talking. I laugh now remembering how much he loved Jay Z, he would quote random lines of his sporadically throughout the conversation. The thing was that usually that kinda shit annoyed me but with Jay I thought it was just the cutest thing. I think what really caught my interest though was how mysterious he was. While he shared some information...he was very careful to make me work for answers...down to his name. I must've asked him 100 times that night what "Jay" was short for and he insisted that it was short for Jay which I knew had to be a lie but being all young and "benefit of the doubty" I dismissed it as him just playing hard to get. As Jay and I walked up the block to the 6 train at the end of that night I couldn't help but wonder if he was too good for me. My self doubt said that he was way too handsome and too well put together for me. That I wasn't pretty enough and definitely too big for him... but all of those self deprecating thoughts that usually made me run from men, didn't this time for some reason...I think I thought that if I could manage to get Jay, that it would prove that I was pretty enough or good enough (this wouldn't be the last time I would feel like this with a man in this phase of my life) And as I walked back from the corner of Seneca and Hunts Point avenue I decided there was only one thing left to do that evening...go get me a chicken breast and a roll (with an extra roll on the side) from Crown Fried Chicken... (shout out to crown fried! woop woop!)

From that night on we talked what seemed like non stop. I'm pretty sure the reason we called each other instead of texting all day was that texts were not unlimited yet! So most of the time we'd wait until our night and weekend minutes and then just talk and talk. There's something about a man that can hold a decent conversation...unfortunately in the past few years the art of conversation has become all but extinct!!

 A couple of weeks later while my family was out of town, Jay finally made it off of the front stoop and upstairs. I don't think I was afraid of anything happening which is why I invited him up...or maybe it was that I wanted something to happen...either way...something happened girl! Now the thing is, I don't remember much of the specifics but what I do remember ever so well was that the chemistry that we shared was off of the charts!! In retrospect, I don't think either of us expected "us" to go as far as it did. In my mind Jay was a rebound...a way to detox from Jerky Mcjerkison...and I just assumed that Jay was just having fun after getting out of a serious relationship. But that is the exact reason why as women especially we have to be extremely careful with whom we share ourselves with because that person will always leave with a piece of you...and then we spend so much energy yearning after that person not realizing that it's really the piece of ourselves that they still have that we're really yearning to get back!! Damn! I just ministered to my own self right there!

I just remember feeling so connected to him...I'm pretty sure that prior to Jay I hadn't experienced what sex was suppose to feel like...on the physical level it was like placing your hand into a custom made, genuine "made for kings" leather, plush interior, glove (i'm the glove...OF COURSE) it was as if my glove had been made for his hand if you catch my drift. On a mental level J had the ability to speak LIFE into my drawers...commanding them to slip down, fold themselves and wait patiently on the nightstand! Before ever laying a hand on me I would be like putty in his hands, and this being a feeling I was not accustom to, it drove me up a wall. Now for the emotional connection... I remember laughing with my girlfriends who were back in Philly that Jay wasn't that big of a deal...that we were just hanging out and one of them telling me that I was fooling myself because she could hear in my voice how attached I'd become to him which lead to the day that I discovered that I loved Jay.

It had been two months of the most intense and addictive sex I'd ever had and while preparing for a visit from him one day I thought about something...in the 3 months that i'd been seeing J, he'd never kissed me...even during sex. Once again that "benefit of the doubt" weakness I possess kicked in and I told myself that it couldn't be intentional...because there was no damn way that that man could sex me down the way he had been and not be feeling me as much as I was feeling him. So as the day progressed and after yet another round of adult twister, as I lay in my bed watching him get dressed, I couldn't help myself any longer...I had to ask...even though I knew that there was a chance that the response could be a terrible one...the cocky side of me just knew that it wouldn't be because Jay just had to be seeing the same rainbows, unicorns and fairies that I was seeing after we had sex. So as I lay there feeling ever so confident, sexy and beautiful, I asked. "Why don't you ever kiss me?" and after a long pause he responded " I just don't kiss." I could literally feel the energy change in the room. Of course I pushed the issue asking if he ever really liked me and the more I pushed the more his "calm, cool and collected" demeanor changed. Eventually he pretty much said something to the effect of " I don't kiss and i'm not going to start...period". It wasn't really what he said as much as it was how he said it. He'd become so cold, distant and disconnected from me and the conversation. I was so hurt that I didn't even bother to walk him out...and the moment I heard the door shut...I burst out in tears! As the tears fell I was shocked...not at his answer but at my reaction! Why the hell was I experiencing this terrible ache over a guy who I was just "kicking" it with?! I think it was because in that moment I stopped feeling like what we had was the exception to the rule and started feeling like I was more of a jump off... like I was the chick that he just came through and popped every now and then...but if that was the case, then he wasn't playing fair! Because all the time we'd spent building...if it was all so that he could have sex with me then this effing game was rigged to assure that i'd lose!! I just remember feeling little...and without value to think that after all the time we'd spent together he still didn't think enough of me to show me affection... all at once his cold distant hand in my precious glove didn't seem so damn magical!

A few months passed before I saw Jay again... things had become so hectic in my personal life in NY that I picked up and moved from NY back to Philly with about 300 dollars to my name! I'd been living in Philly for like a month when I had to go back to NY for my uncle's funeral. Somehow Jay and I got in contact with one another. We made plans to see each other. For the first time I'd be going to Jay's house instead of him coming to mine. I remember taking a cab up to Parkchester...he met me at the cab and paid the driver before we went upstairs. The first thing I noticed when I got inside was that there were children's toys and furniture all over! Not like the home of a man who's child only visited on weekends. I ignored what my gut was telling me although I could tell that stuff had been removed from the area..like perhaps pictures. I convinced myself that I didn't care enough to ask any questions because I was over him...but I think I also knew that if what I thought was going on was really going on...there would be no way i'd have sex with him that night and to be honest I'd invested too many daydreams and hell...wet dreams in seeing him again and experiencing "our" magic. It didn't take long before we were ripping each other's clothes off in the middle of his living room, surrounded by baby furniture and toys. The nagging questions and feelings that I was having had to be all but drowned out in order for me to even begin to enjoy the sex. When it was all said and done though...I could feel that things were different. The magic had subsided and shit was just real between us...complicated, dramatic and never to be the same. As I left that night...I knew that my summer to remember was over.

Over the next couple of years Jay and I kept in contact occasionally. He would claim that he was going to come to Philly to see me but something would always come up. Let me tell y'all ladies about this gift that we have called intuition!! Every time J and I would talk I'd always ask him "How's your wife" because over the years every time I played back that last night we'd spent together in my mind...along with everything else that had happened that special summer...the only explanation that made sense to me was that Jay had been in a relationship all along and my naivety had stopped me from seeing it. Every time I'd ask him that though he'd insist that I was crazy and that he didn't know what I was talking about. I cant even count the number of times, over this period of separation, that I asked Jay to stop calling me...to let me go because even after years had passed I still felt like that putty in his hands... but he never would...he just kept holding on. Then one fall I had driven up to NY for a visit. I was in a whole different place...way more secure in my skin and thriving in Philly. I'd begun to develop my fashion sense and had discovered make up which had added to my  confidence as well. I decided I wanted to see Jay. I think more than anything I thought if he saw me he would see what he had missed out on because still in my mind ...I hadn't been good enough for Jay and that's why he hadn't done right by me. So we decided to meet somewhere around Castle Hill in the Bronx and as I sat in my car waiting I saw him walk around the corner and all at once it was the summer of 2005 again!!

The little drummer inside of my heart, went to work!!

When he got in the car we just talked....like we were back on that stoop catching up. I was sure to brag about all the great things that I had going on and he was just as evasive about his life as he had ever been. Then for old time sake I asked "How's your wife?" and he responded "She's cool." With no further explanation! There were a million things I could've said in that moment but instead I said nothing. It was like relief to me oddly enough. I was just grateful for him being honest with me for once, it confirmed that I wasn't crazy! and it made me feel like he knew that he owed me that and for once I felt like it wasn't me...it wasn't that I hadn't been good enough for him but that he just couldn't give me what I deserved because he didn't have it to give! We talked for a while longer.. I remember asking him "do I look different" because to me I was a lot more polished than I had been in the past. But he told me no...which made me feel vulnerable all over again. He went on to tell me that he thought I was as pretty as I'd always been and that no matter what, he saw me for who I was. I could tell without a doubt that Jay had changed which gave me the courage to address the whole kissing thing. He insisted that he was just stupid at the time. He knew that i'd started growing attached and that he never expected for things to get as deep as they had. He looked me in my eyes and told me that it never had anything to do with me...that there was nothing wrong with me...that he was the fucked up one and he gave me no reason to doubt anything he was saying. We made plans to meet up the next day before I would be driving back to Philly and then...He gripped my chin and pulled me in to him and kissed me. Not in some overly sexual way, not a "I want something from you" kiss...it was a "let me right my wrong" kiss...and as he got out of my car, assuring me that he'd call me, I knew that i'd never see Jay again.

 I had come there for closure that night but I don't think I ever expected to get it the way that I did. After a few years, he found me on Facebook. He was married with two kids and had moved out of NY. Initially it broke my heart but eventually I was happy for him...and grateful that we'd had that magical experience. To this day I have nothing but good feelings about our time together...and I hope he has the same...

Sincerely, 

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. I know I'm a week late and for that I sincerely apologize but without any further ado...the winner of February's Subscriber Giveaway is:

Stacei Vick

Congrats!!! Please email me at quaniboyd@gmail.com to claim you gift card!

Fat Bougie Chick's Top 10 Do's & Dont's of Online Dating

Hey Hey! So this week's post is a little late because the post that I was working on had me jonesing just a little too hard and that's the LAST thing I need while I'm in this horrific, terrible, and for the ghaatdamn birds drought that I'm in...so after a few cold showers and a stiff drink, I'll get back to that!

In the meantime I decided there was no time like the present to tackle that "Do's & Dont's" list I promised I'd write about last week...so without further ado here it is!!

Fat Bougie Chick's Top 10 Do's & Dont's of Online Dating

• 10. Do find out the living arrangements of your date before going to his place!! The last thing you want to do is decide to go back to his house and his "cousins" Rico,Chico,Niko, Fleeco and Connie are sitting in the living room rolling up a fat one and playing spades! I mean it seems like an obvious one but as women especially, we are sometimes way too trusting! Just because he has a nice smile and smells good does not mean that he is necessarily trust worthy...don't be afraid to ask the 21 and a half questions!! That is your right and your duty and if he has a problem with that...trust me when I say...he ain't worth the first, second or third date! and on top of that there is NO way in upper or lower hell that a grown man should be sharing a one bedroom apartment with so many grown damn men... ain't that much saving up in the world!!

• 9. Do let your expectations be known early on. I am very big on consistency...I don't know a woman that isn't but the difference is that I live by the code of consistency...especially when it comes to dating! So I always make it clear to a guy that the way he can prove to me that he is about what he says he's about and not just BS'ing me is to do the things he says he will. Do what you say you're going to do...reach out to me consistently and spend time with me. Whatever it is that you expect...you can't just think that the guy will know that...that's true with any kind of dating but specifically online dating because I'm telling you some of these men are starting from dating level ZERO!

• 8. Do drive your own car or meet your date at the location of the date. Although it has never happened to me I have this irrational fear that my date would come pick me up from home and we'd go to a nice restaurant at which time he'd turn out to be a jerk and I'd let him know that's what he is so he would tell me he was going to the bathroom and then leave me in the middle of the restaurant by myself with a mouth full of free bread and a bill that I have no intentions on paying!! Ooooor he'd drive me to some heavily wooded area at which time I'd have to open up the car door while he's driving...jump out, tuck and roll because that's how all murder scenes start and who has time to die tonight!?! "Not me!" said the Cat!

• 7. Don't respond to any messages from men who attempt to get your number before they ask you anything about yourself or tells you anything about them. This may sound unbelievable for men aged 25 and up but men get on these sites to collect numbers like they're baseball cards!! I promise you it happens way more often than you'd think.

• 6. Do respond when they send you messages at 2 AM asking you what you are doing or "What part of the city do you live in?". Yes, I did say DO respond. Why? because it's entertaining. When I get those messages I already know what the intentions are...there are creeps who get online at 2 AM hoping to catch a girl in a vulnerable place during booty call hours...but just call me The Booty Call Crook...my job is to steal all hopes and dreams of a booty call with my ass!! Ain't gon' happen...not never! So when I get those messages I like to respond with answers like "running a marathon...how about you?" or "shaving my underarm hair" or when they ask what part of the city I live in I'll say something like "North" and they ask "where in North?" and I say "The north side of North" and this will go on until they get annoyed and leave me the hell alone...and I go back to watch "The Office" on Netflix and eating my spicy Doritos.

• 5. Do ask details about when their last relationship ended. A lot of men on these sites are testing the waters before they dive out of their baby mom's pool and into the next one. In other words a large amount of guys are not fully single when they start looking on these sites...they could be trying to see what their odds are in meeting someone new in time for the break up or auditioning for a new side chick...sad but totes true!! So I ask questions like "how long have you been out of your relationship"...if it's within 6 months...don't do it gurh because he is still in the "work it out" phase of his relationship!! I also ask when was the last time he's seen or spoken to his ex, how old their child together is, etc. because all of those things can tell you a lot about where he may stand. Of course he could just lie about everything but he'll be very cautious going forward because he knows that you're looking for proof of his singleness.

• 4. Don't entertain messages that make reference to your body in a sexual nature! The other day I got a message like "Mmmm baby I would handle you real well" the moment you respond, you open up the floodgates of this dirty-dicked , foolish ass floozy (men can be floozies too!) to think that he can talk you out of your drawers...follow my lead...just block his ass!

• 3. Do Set standards for yourself before you start the process... it's important to know what you want and don't want, what you will and won't do. Men respond positively to a woman who knows what she wants and it also lets him know that he has to step his game up in order to step to you...trust me it will eliminate a lot of the lames. I made sure to write a very detailed profile with everything I think a man should know about me before approaching me and I can't tell you how many messages I get with men saying that they loved that I was so detailed and that I know what I want. It's also important to set limits like, not going to any one's home until a set amount of dates, no sex until a set amount of time that you're comfortable with,  and when you'd be willing to talk about a relationship (not after the first date though because these men will try it! trust me) 

• 2. Do be willing to go dutch sometimes! Now I have this thing...I believe wholeheartedly that a woman should be courted however...so should a man. It's up to you to let him see the type of woman that you are. And for me personally it's important that he knows that I'm all about the 50/50...yes I want to be wined and dined but I also have no problem doing the same! Here's the thing though...I don't ever pay on the first date...because it's important for me to see how a man will respond before he knows that I believe in going dutch. I want a man who is willing to be the traditional gentleman, even though he doesn't have to be!

• 1. and number one is Don't trust that just because he/she dresses nicely or has a nice car that they have their lives in order! a couple of years ago I was talking to this man who we'll call "Gucci this, Louie that". Well "Mr. GTLT" had talked a good game and I finally decided to go out with him. We went to a couple of places to have some drinks. I found humor in the fact that he had pulled out every name brand item in his closet to go bar hopping. I mean literally he had on a Gucci hat, belt and sneakers (I think) Even his wallet was name designer. As we left one location to travel to the next he disarmed his car that was halfway down the block just so I could notice that it was a Benz convertible. I guess he thought he might be impressing me but all I could do was go back and forth in my mind whether he sold crack, pills or weed...seeing how he'd evaded the question of employment throughout the night...finally insisting that he owned barbershops (why do all drug dealers buy barbershops tho???) At the end of the date he asked me to come chill at his place...now let me start by saying I am the damn spokesperson for never ever going to a date's house or inviting them to yours at least until after 3 dates. Not because you'll have sex but because it's important to build and graduate to new stages (he may never say it but a man is watching to see if you have standards set for yourself too!!) Anywho my curiosity got the best of me because I figured his house just had to be fly as hell and so I decided there was no harm it. We arrived on his block to these huge houses with elaborate lawns and I got excited thinking about the barbecues we could have on the lawn down the line if we worked out (now ladies don't e'em front...you know we can plan a whole lifetime with a man in the first 5 minutes of meeting him...that's our damn problem!) So after walking up what seemed like 85 steps we got inside to darkness. He told me to have a seat...in the darkness and he'd be right back. well girl! this is the stop that the fairytale got off on!! After about 2 minutes I could hear the voice of two "middle aged" people upstairs arguing and furthermore they sounded drunk as hayle!! Not whiteboy wasted drunk...nooo like 5 heartbeats, Eddie King Jr. ,"Nights Like This" drunk!!! I grappled with the thought of just jumping off that couch and running out of that house to my car...but I couldn't help it...the curiosity was eating away at me. Finally he invited me upstairs...and I wish I woulda said a prayer, chant or something before I got up there because She (me, her) was NOT ready!!! I walked into the smallest room I have ever seen in my entire, project living, studio renting life (the years before I upgraded myself!)...I mean this room looked like it was built for a smurf! I mean there was room for a bed ...and some slippers!!! What appalled me even further was that half of his matchbox was filled with sneaker boxes to.the.ceiling.! All at once I blamed him for everything that was wrong with the Black community!! Then this fool had the nerve to tell me to sit on his bed so we could watch a movie...on a little baby TV that was propped up on...yup you guessed it...some sneaker boxes!! I couldn't even fake anymore...I made up an excuse and told Mr. Gucci this, Louie that, Benz convertable, but Futon bed that I had to be going and I dipped up outta there with the quickness...I remember laughing when I got in the car as I thought that God was getting me back for going against my better judgement and going to that man's house... lesson to be learned? sometimes a man would rather wear and drive his house...smdh. 

I have sooooo many more for this list so i'll do a part two at a later date!! At the end of the day beauties...and gents...there is no excuse to not be really truly living in 2014...stop waiting for things to come to you...take the reigns of your life!! No, every situation won't be ideal...but at least you'll be able to add another memory to your mental scrapbook!! 

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. I'll be announcing the Giveaway winner tomorrow at noon!! Stay tuned!! 

Check Please!!

And put it all on his tab!

So If you follow me on "The Gram" (insert cool emoji) then you probably heard a little about my date from hell a couple of months ago. I wanted so badly to write about it immediately, while everything was still fresh but I was very much so resisting the idea of doing this blog so I just put it on the back burner.

But NO FEAR!! That damn date was so bad... I still remember it like it was yesterday honeychild! Let's start from the beginning I met him on this online dating site...that shall remain nameless...unless of course they wanna pay me to promote their asses! (Ha they zooin!?) Here's the scoop.. A couple of years ago I decided I didn't want to close myself off from any potential opportunities to meet "Mr. Right" so I researched a couple of dating sites and took the plunge into the online dating pool....my overall experience has been entertaining for sure...but i've only ever ran into "Mr. Right's" cousins: "Mr. Left", "Mr. hell naw", and "Mr. you've got to kidding" but make no mistakes I have grown and learned a lot about myself in the process which is why I always advocate for online dating...as long as it's done right! I get messages from Plus size women all the time asking me how to go about dating more...and I always suggest online dating because I think we limit ourselves to our small worlds too much and never know what amazing person we may be missing out on because he/she does not live on our block or work at our job. Here's the thing...you may have to kiss (figuritively of course...dont be putting your lips on every tom, DICK, and Harry...oop!) a few frogs first but if you're lucky, you'll come across a prince! But don't get it twisted because there are indeed levels to this shit! and for that reason I will probably write a post about the do's and don'ts of online dating because what you don't wanna do...is book a date with the craigslist killer...the answer is NO chillle!

 Anywho...this is one of the one's who didn't make it off of my "Do not respond to his message" checklist...but I was in the holiday spirit and decided to go against my better sense!

So it went like this, it was the beginning of November I think... I had just decided to reactivate my account , after the break up with SM and I got a message from this guy, who for all intents and purposes we'll call "Mr. Oceans 11"(we'll get back to that later). Now the first thing I usually do when I get a message is go on their profile to check out a few things like:

1.  Age because after the breakup I decided I would no longer date younger men because clearly we can't see eye to eye...well Mr. OE was 26 which was under my "30 and up" age cap (strike one).
2.  I also check to see if they drive, well because I'm not picking up no grown ass stranger from their house...safety first! 
3.  I check to see if they have children because dating someone who has children can get tricky...one is ok...but 3 and 4...You need to take that date money and start a college fund or whatever! 
4. I check religion because i'm not trying to be converted at a damn TGIFridays! 
5. and lastly I read their profile info because 9 times out of 10 if a man couldn't take 5 minutes to write a description about himself...it indicates that he's not on there for anything legit...or he can't spell...and i'll be damned if i'm going on a date with someone who starts off their profile by saying "Hi you doing?"...really...is that really what you learned when you repeated 1st grade??? 

Girl!! I could talk forever about my online dating experiences...but for now ima focus on Mr. OE (sidenote Mr. OE is hilarious to me because it makes me think of Poetic Justice, when Justice and Iesha is in the gas station store and Iesha shouts out to the cashier "Y'all ain't got no Old E?!" ...I know that's random as hell but me and my friends LIVE for a black classic movie!)

Anywho, So after looking at MR. OE's profile I returned to his message and as gently as I could I declined talking to him any further, explaining in my reply that he was too young for me. Of course he persisted telling me that he was not your "typical 26 year old" and that I should just give him one chance to take me out, etc. For the life of me, I don't know why I didn't follow my God given instinct. Eventually we exchanged numbers so that we could plan a date. well for a week this man sent the most sporadic texts to me...just random "what's up" texts (which I hate!) but it all came to a head as one evening at mmmm let's say 12:30 am...this young man decided that he would text me asking "what you doing? can I see you?" ...................

I'm legit getting annoyed right now, just writing about it!

Needless to say that conversation ended with a very calm "Lose my damn number". But the next day he text me apologizing profusely, blaming his temporary insanity on a "bad day" for which I replied "oh...ok..." (with the most sarcastic of undertones) again he begged to take me out and even informed me that if everything went well I could spend thanksgiving with his family...what in thee feathery fuck?! (Strike two!) He was just too pressed. Now don't get me wrong...I loves me a persistent man, one who is not afraid to show me that i'm what he wants but when you're planning our one year wedding anniversary before we've even met... my Spidey senses kick in like a mug!

Fast forward a couple of weeks , it's now the beginning of December and we've finally set a date. He texts and informs me that we'll be going to Chaamps sports bar and grill. I'm initially slightly annoyed by the fact that he didnt even ask me where I wanted to go but then I decide i'd give him brownie points for taking initiative! I text him before im leaving out to let him know that it will only take me about 10 minutes to get to the restaurant and to see if he'd be on time...he assures me that he will be! I asked that negro if he needed extra time...I really did...
but guess the hell what...Quani arrives and a few moments later receive a text "Im on my way" I was irritated instantaneously but decided that I would give him a grace period because a pimp like me ALWAYS needs a grace period!!! Well about another 20 minutes go by, I'm sitting in my car on froze because my hooptie (a car who's only functionality is to get you from point A to point B) is "Heat Not Included" (the struggle!)...me and my shivering finger tips decided it was time to deem this date a fail! Mr. OE had just received strike 3! I wouldve just up and left without telling him...but come on son... a big girl has gots to get her eat on...judge if you must...

Finally I get the call that he's inside...so I get out of my car and slam the door real hard...a little because i'm pissed but mostly bc you gotta slam it or the bitch won't close...then I sashay my bougie self into the restaurant like I just got out of a 2014 Benz. I find Mr. OE standing at the entrance talking to someone he knows. First thought on him? i'll start with the positive...He was tall....... and that's all ima say because you know the saying... if you don't have anything nice to say... just group text it to your girls! So I greet him and we're escorted to our seats. Waitress comes and yall...my man trys to order for me!! Ummmm 1963 called...and it wants it's dating etiquette back! So after assuring him I could read the menu just fine we start talking....now here is where I don't even know where to start, there's soooo much that went wrong with this conversation so in an effort to expedite your shock, i've prepared a bullet point summary of our conversation:

• He once again informed me that I would be spending the Christmas holiday with him and his family
• He told me that i'd be in love within a week
• Informed me that he had a stalker who was in fact calling him as we waited for our appetizers (damn right I ordered an appetizer!!)
• He shared with me that he'd attended Lincoln University...which is the rival school of my college...so boo to that!
• He encouraged me to put all my "secrets"on the table so that he could decide if they were too much for him and when I disagreed with his logic he went on to try and convince me that I should see thing his way
• He threatened that if I sent back my less than appetizing dish he would send his back too because "we are a unit"....his words, not mine!
• He told me that he had a son...who he interestingly enough excluded from his profile! (strike 26!)
• Furthermore he shared that his son's mother was taking all of his money for child support which had forced him to move out of his place and back home with his momma

- let's pause for the cause...now one thing I don't do is judge a man on the material things he may or may not possess...adulthood is hard and anyone under 30 should have a reset option if need be. Now a 40 year old still at home with mom...no maam!

• That last bit of info led to him telling me something...which caused me to name him "Mr. Oceans 11" He told me that he had a gambling problem but that it wasn't out of control because he never spent "bill money" only everything else............ (imagine my face as he shared this)
• He shared that he only has one friend...a cousin of his.

There were so many other mini horrors taking place but I think i'll just leave it there. After all of that I just wanted to get out of there...he was arrogant, belittling, sarcastic and dense throughout the whole night and every time he got smart with me, I ordered another drink! but the date all came to a climax when the waitress and "Mr OE" started flirting with one another as I complained about my dog food alfredo that she'd served me...and you won't believe what happened next...home girl, reeking of stale cigarette smoke and the infamous bath and body works scent "Love Spell", sat down at our booth beside me, nonetheless, and proceeded to have a whole conversation with my date...and there I was sitting there, unbothered, enjoying my tequila sunrise!

Thankfully the date didn't last much longer, after that the check came and I looked him square in the eyes as he rifled through his pockets to find exact change. As he walked me to my car he asked me what I would be doing around 10 PM that night (it was around 8:30 at the time). I assured him that i'd most likely be in bed but he told me "no, you're going to meet me after i take care of some business" at first I was going to explain that pigs would fly first but I just decided to let that man dream. And then it happened...he leaned in for a hug and a kiss and my natural instinct kicked in as my fist raised and I uttered the ultimate friend zone words "Pound it!" (referring to a fist bump..) he looked at me with dismay before shockingly giving me a pound...I then hurried to the passenger side of my car to unlock my doors... (stop laughing!) hurried to the other side, got in and drove off hoping I didn't hit him as I sped off!

Moral of the story: Never order the Cajun Pasta from Chaamps!!! *blank stare*

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

February's Subscriber Giveaway

In honor of the love holiday we're giving away a $25 gift card to Forever 21 so that you can buy the perfect Valentine's day dress...whether you're going out with your Mr. Right or hanging out with the girls or to buy your special someone the perfect gift. 

To be entered be sure to subscribe to the blog via Google +. (Only Google + subscribers will be included)

The winner of February's Giveaway will be announced next week!!

Sunday Night...

I don't understand men!

And it only took me 31 years to be able to admit it to myself. Why is that men are always trying to paint the woman as the unstable, emotion driven, confusing one? I mean...sure we're good for an emotional variety pack from time to time and love to be mushy with the ones we care about.

But my man...you gotta know that you're the most indecisive, illogical, biased creature on the planet Earth and dear I say it...In the universe!! How, you ask?

Glad you asked...

So i've wrestled with whether or not I should write an update so soon after meeting up with SM. As I write this, it's been a little over a week since I met up with him for our "date" and the truth is...by the time these posts come out I could easily be feeling another way but here's the thing, I vowed to be transparent and put it all out there when I decided to do this blog...it's the only way that I can make it work for me. The one thing that you can be sure of in following this blog is that it's allllways going to be 1000% me. No covering up, no preserving my "image"... you can expect all truth!!

This will most likely be a short post but I just have to ask...what is even the point? I honestly am so confused... is that even allowed at 31? shouldn't I have my crap together by at least 75% at this age? No, seriously...someone tell me! Because it seems like the older I get...the less I know! Especially about the effing male species!! How can you be so hot one day and sooo cold the next? How do you tear down a wall to let me in, only to build a gate in the next moment to keep me out....like WHAT IS THE POINT??? What do you gain by keeping me hanging on? Maybe your motive is to keep me benched for the small chance that one day you may need me...but the thing is...i'm no bench player and further more...i'm not interested in being a part of anyone's team!! If we're not playing one on one...I'm turning in my damn uniform homie!!

Just saying...

So remember that dreamy night I told yall about just last week? SM laying it all on the table? Grabbing my hand in an effort to comfort me...telling me he wanted the opportunity for us to date again?

Yea well i'm starting to think I imagined all that shit! Like where's the receipts? roll the damn tape because life before that alleged night and life after it has been eerily the same! When I got home that night he texted to make sure I had made it in safely. The next morning he texted "GM"  but as the days went on...we've spoken less and less. When we do speak it's usually me initiating contact and I swear fo gawd it's like pulling teeth to get more than two-word responses from him. Granted, he's never been one for many words...but after every justification I've given SM ...
I just can't anymore. Man or no man, quiet natured or not...when a person wants to talk to you...they make the effort to keep the conversation going...or initiate conversation! Every time we finish talking I have this sunken feeling in my stomach...and i'm pretty sure thats my intuition telling me that something just is not right. I think it's high time I start listening!!

Maybe he genuinely is struggling with his feelings or with the idea of commitment...and maybe he hasn't come to terms with this but I think that I just got a dose of realization big enough for the both of us! And that is :

 I'm just not what he wants. Point, blank and the entire period!

I'm starting to believe that he could be a million percent ready for a relationship and he'd still find a way to bullshit me and I just simply can't do it anymore. I literally don't have it in me to accept ANYTHING that's not the best because I know for a fact that I give my best and if I continue to allow him to withdrawal my best without him depositing his...i'll end up empty!

You know that feeling when it's the day before something is ending or someone you care about is going away and you're trying to remain happy and act like tomorrow isn't coming?? Well that's how I feel right now, how I feel when I talk to him...just morose...because deep down I know that things can't ever be simply how they were.. and in spite of the fact that it ending may be the best thing for you...it-just-sucks!

 It seems that my Sunday Morning is quickly becoming a Sunday Night and there ain't shit easy about that.

Sincerely,
Miss Fat & Bougie

Editor's Note:

A few days after I wrote this post, I pretty much summed these feelings up to SM. His response was pretty much that: in an effort to stop things from falling right back into the old pattern, he's tried to give me my space. but I mean... his over zealousness to be cautious is causing more harm than it is good because I feel myself being pushed away and my will to resist the push diminishes by the day. And while things have recovered a little bit since this post... to be honest I feel just about the same as I did when I first wrote this...I can't understand what's keeping him here...because I can't be what he wants...you don't treat the one that you find value in, like last Christmas' toy... ah well, C'est La Vie! (Such is life)

"The Dating Chronicles of a Fat Bougie Chick" The Intro Pt.1

Hey loves! So in an effort to introduce you guys to the heroine of the upcoming "Fat Bougie Chick" E-Novellas coming this summer to a ebook provider near you (check out that plug tho! lol) I will be releasing the first episode in parts on the blog. I really hope everyone is able to connect with Reina! Understand this, while Reina and I have a lot of similarities...I am not her and she is not me lol! Reina is a fictional character loosely based on me, some of my friends and women that i've come across. She is the "plus size every woman" of today. I hope that everyone will not just read but comment so that we can have some discussion about the character and things to come. Also It would mean everything to me if you would share the blog with people that you know! Share the link, your favorite quote...whatever!! let's open up the dialog about being a confident plus size woman and dating in the millennium. Anyway...here's part 1...I hope you enjoy.

Heeey! My name is Reina, Reina Lee. I am a 30 year old, single, childless, EX party girl. I’m a little sarcastic, slightly dramatic and most definitely Bougie! I didn’t always accept that about myself. In fact I spent many years studying the ways of the ever elusive "hood chick". I watched them up close in their habitat in hopes of adopting their rituals but for some reason or another it never really stuck. So somewhere around 25 I decided to own the beauty that was ‘bougie’ and I haven’t looked back since, here it is five years later and I could damn near teach a class on it! Most people frown upon the phrase though...they think that being bougie means that you’re stuck up or attitudey. They say that bougie girls think that they’re better than everyone else and that we act like our shit don’t stink. But I’m here to clarify a few things… It’s not that we think that we’re more than anyone else, we just know that we’re not less! And it has nothing to do with being conceited, it’s just a matter of having a standard set for ourselves that we refuse to go against, usually because years of being mistreated and unappreciated will for sure make a chick learn who she is and what she deserves! And furthermore it’s not that we  think that our shit don’t stink, we know that shit stinks…that’s why we just flat out refuse to do it! HA!

Now, about my visual because I know you’re sitting there thinking to yourself “How does this awesomely witty, raw and honest, appealing woman look.” (I hit it the nail right on the head didn’t I?) Well picture this: 5 foot 8 inches tall, bone straight hair that sweeps down my back, Light caramel complexion… looking like I was kissed by the 8 AM sun, and weighing in at a thick 140 pounds. With the waist of a school girl but the curvy hips of a Pepsi bottle, The booty and rack of your favorite video vixen, and virtually no stomach at all! I sound great don’t I? Too bad that bitch ain’t me!!

I mean don’t get me wrong…I’m not hating on anyone who does resemble that description it’s just that I get tired of being told and the message being sold that if I don’t look like that then I am less than attractive. Society can have a whole House of Representatives seat because that is straight malarkey!!! OK, as for the real deal... let me start off with the most important detail… I am beautiful! Period…point… blank! Not because I’ve been told a million times or because I get so much attention from the fellas but just because that’s the way I choose to see myself. And don’t get me wrong, I didn't always feel that way. In fact turning 30 had a lot to do with that awakening within myself. At some point I just got sick and tired of looking in the mirror and zooming in on the blemish that was developing on my cheek or the 3 hairs on my chin that were constantly harassing me! I got tired of policing my belly for new stretch marks and developing rolls. So one day I woke up and decided that when I looked in the mirror I’d instead focus in on the things that made me beautifully unique like my bright infectious smile or the dimple that plays peek-a-boo on my right cheek, I started to notice how my brown eyes would dance in the light and how cute my button nose really was! The day I became my own advocate instead of judge is the day that I found peace.

Ok so again, here I go: I’m 5’4 inches in stature which to me represents the average height for women but every now and then I’ll come across some hater trying to tell me that I am short…PHOOEY! Oh! And I am 299.9 pounds, the scale tries to convince me that I am 300 pounds but my scale is a dude…so clearly he lies! But see I’ve always measured my weight not by numbers but by the size jeans that I could squeeze into and currently I am on the edge of a size 20 jean...in stretch material, with a maternity waist band…so I’m feeling pretty damn good if I do say so myself! On the Candy scale of complexion I’d rate myself milk chocolate…maybe toffee (how fat is that?!) I use to be the spokesperson for the “fried, died and laid to the side” club but about two years ago I went Malcolm X on that ass and got me a fro and to be honest as tempting as its been to go back to that creamy crack and Outre Yaky, I’ve found that it is way more rewarding being able to love my hair in its natural state…as nappy as that may be! But i've found that the fellas are not always as inviting to change…and a lot of times I don’t blame the poor impressionable creatures! Men are competitive by nature so they only want what everyone else is chasing because to them that’s the way you measure success and since media tells them that European looks are what’s beautiful… me and my pro African ass could easily be overlooked. But don’t think for one second that I don’t believe that there are good, strong, foiine(fine), sexy, don’t live at home with they mommas, drive their own cars, disease free…wait, I digress …I know that there are good men out there who can appreciate a sister who is comfortable in her skin, kinks coils and all....

I'll be posting more of the intro on the first Wednesday of every month until the release of the series!! I hope you'll stay tuned!

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. The winner of this month's subscriber Give Away is :

Stephanie Pierre 

Please email me at quaniboyd@gmail.com to claim your $25 Starbucks Gift Card!!

Once a month I will be doing a give away for all of my subscribers so stay tuned for next month's prize!!

Easy Like...

So...evidently I've got a thing for men who are unavailable.

Now before you summons the towns people on me...I'm not talking about romantically unavailable. I personally don't think there's EVER an excuse to be creeping around with someone else's man. I hear women say all the time "She must not be doing something right" or "He's not happy at home" or my personal favorite "That's on him"...no, ma'am...I'm afraid its on you too! Lets forget about the fact that you're doing to another woman what you would be appalled if done to you, forget about the fact that you are helping to take away the chance for her to try and make her relationship work without any outside distractions...forget all of that! Let us focus on the fact that you are signing yourself up to only have a portion of a person...or that you most likely won't be treated to a standard of which you are worthy..or that you'll probably be hidden. Here's the thing...in order to be a side chick you have to share....and SHE(me!) does not share!! Interestingly enough though, I root for Olivia and Fitz's love on Scandal yet I LOATHE Amina and that damn Peter on Love and Hip Hop NY...so clearly I'm a riddle wrapped in an enigma or whateva... I know I may sound critical...but honestly it's less about other people's personal choices and more about my advocacy for self love and women knowing what they deserve.

As usual...I digress... the kind of unavailability that I'm referring to is of the emotional variety. It's like I subconsciously identify the unreadiness in men and it attracts me more. I have a penchant for chasing the impossible... and a gahdamn to that! Why can't I just be content with a simple, here's all my cards on the table kinda fellow? Instead I gotta Harriet the Spy these fool's intentions and emotions...and ain't NOBODY got time for that!! I've got to start reminding myself that easy isn't terrible...everything doesn't have to be a damn mission. If a man is ready it will show and if he's not..I'm learning to step back. That doesn't mean I need to give him an ultimatum or cut him off and it doesn't mean that I should sit around waiting for him to become ready!! I've done all of these things in the past and I honestly can't think of one time when it ended well. So what do I do? Well... I make peace with us just being friends until he has no more questions about what he wants/is ready for and we're both in a the place to pursue something more. The problem with this is that I can't guarantee that I'll be available when he finally does become ready because trust and believe I WILL be dating and living my life...and you can take that to the nearest bank and cash it!!

The right experience will get you all the way together! Seriously!

So not too long ago my ex and I saw each other after like a 3 month period. We went out on a date. We spoke on a Friday and he asked me out and as much as my hurt feelings and stubborn brain wanted to say "Sorry, I'm booked..." (in my kelly price voice) the apparent soft spot that I still have for him gave in, Imagine me, all weekend imagining what it would be like when we saw each other...would it be awkward...would I get my L.J. (Love Jones) moment. Oh and what would I wear? I needed to give off the impression that seeing him didn't matter that much... I decided to wear some black tights and a tee, a cardigan and some cute combat boots. Mostly because I was being lazy but also because I wanted my look to say "I'm here...but I'm not expecting too much." but I can't front...it wouldn't hurt if as I walked in front of him to our table he thought to himself as he looked at my booty "well...ghaaatdamn!" *tee hee hee*

But here's where a pimp got messed up...he got out of the car and (involuntarily of course) a smile went sweeping clear across my face and the ice around my heart started dripping away. I didn't realize how much I'd missed my Sunday Morning. I call him my Sunday Morning because he's easy like one. ( You all have permission to borrow that from me! Ha!) With him...everything was effortless. He did everything I could ask for in a man. He was consistent, attentive, fun, mature...the only thing He wasn't was ready! SM and I were together for a short period of time before he told me that he didn't feel like he was cut out for relationships. Initially I just cut my losses and kept it moving. but as time went on my heart just broke more and more. I was disappointed, I blamed myself and eventually I blamed his ass! So for months I walked around resentful and angry with him and it didn't seem to be getting any better with time, which is why I decided I needed to get some closure. So when I met up with him I made up my mind that that was exactly what I was going to get!

What changed everything was the fact that SM, from the very beginning of our date, was upfront. He didn't deny anything, he put it all on the table. He explained how he was feeling and admitted that he couldn't really make sense of the way he felt himself...it was just the way he felt. He told me how he felt about me and then...child... he grabbed my hand from across the table.....all that tough exterior was out the frickin window! My emotions were betraying me as it took every ounce of strength for me not to cry as I explained to him how much his decision had hurt me and how much he'd meant to me. Every insecurity I'd ever had about our relationship...I told him. But at the end of it all, one thing stood out and gave me the closure that I needed. I'd struggled with whether or not he'd ever really cared or was invested at all and I've been thinking about his response. Pretty much what he said was that the reason I couldn't see that I was special to him was because I was gauging how he treated me on my own ideals as opposed to his ability. He said "to someone else who knows me, they'd look at the fact that we were going out every week, and talked everyday and all the other things we did and know that you had to be special because I don't typically do those types of things with women that I date but to you that stuff was nothing because to your standard those things are to be expected" and all at once I felt like I understood him a little better...he was absolutely right. I couldn't even recognized his effort because according to my high standards and ideas the things that he was doing, he was suppose to do! I had dismissed his effort and the more I thought about it I realized that I had done the same to others in the past. I learned in that moment that I have to stop putting men on MY high pedestal of expectations. And NO, that does not mean that I will just accept anything from men...but I will be more understanding to their starting point and be willing to work with them.

By the end of the night everything about what I thought I'd felt had changed. and I was right back in...like I had never left. When I asked him what he wanted going forward, he said to date...but not to rush anything and I completely agreed. So for now that's where we are. I feel like I got my friend back...and if it's meant my Sunday Morning will get his shit together before it's too late but I'll be damned if I'm going to sit around waiting for that day to come...so... here's to new dates and hope in love for 2014!

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. This is what he had the pleasure of looking at from across the table *hair flip* *giggles*

Damn you, Love Jones! (redemption post)

Why couldn't someone warn me that love and relationships aren't as simple and easy as in the Black classics like "Poetic Justice", "Love and Basketball" or my favorite "Love Jones"? Watching movies like this has had me thinking for years that in the end the man alllllways realizes his mistake in mistreating or leaving you and runs to where ever you are, panting deeply out of breath, gets down on one knee and begs your forgiveness.... so where's my run through the airport? where's my basketball game for my heart?! Where's my African prince living right above my beauty shop?!? I just want my redemption. I want my one happy ending that will make up for every rejection, every moment of depreciation, and every time I've had to re piece my heart's shattered parts back together with Elmer's glue because I was ill prepared for the brokenness! Unfortunately life has taught me that it just doesn't work that way most of the time. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I've spoken to an ex who told me he knew he'd made a huge mistake...but never even attempted to make up for it. No flowers and chocolate, no date...no redemption! Just a half ass "I'm sorry" that ain't hardly  a strong enough adhesive to help mend the brokenness! But each and every time, I smile and act like I'm stronger than I feel inside, and say "don't worry about it!" "The past is the past" knowing very well that the past has found a way of being my present for years!! Meanwhile he walks away feeling like he's made peace with the world and goes on to screw up another girl's life.( Harsh much?!? )

Yes, I've got issues.... I'm aware!

But a lot of this shit ain't mine to have...a lot of it belongs to the men who burdened me with them and for the longest time I've been trying to press the reset button with them in hopes that maybe a round two would remove the knot in the pit of my stomach that I get every time I remember that particular chapter of my life. What the heck is wrong with that logic though, besides everything? how could I possibly want to give someone a second chance who was hardly worth the first one??? If you were a selfish, self serving, arrogant debacle of a man then...there's a very small chance that anything has changed!

Without saying any names I had a run in with an ex boyfriend of mine over the summer. We'd began speaking again after talking on the phone one night for like 2 hours. Not surprisingly he complained about how unhappy he was in his current relationship, we reminisced about where we'd gone wrong and what we wish we could changed...and like the hopeless romantic that I am...I became hopeful that I'd get my redemption story at some point. I was really excited when he invited me to an event he was having because I hadn't seen him in years. I got to see some of his family and had his sister tell me that I was "one of his flyest girlfriends ever!" so naturally I was puffed up, proud that I'd made an impression and as much as I told my girlfriend's that it didn't mean much and that I wasn't moved...I was! I hoped that after all of the years that had passed I would get my "Love Jones" ending. A few days later we spoke and everything was cool.

Fast forward a couple of months and I'm at my friends and I's neighborhood "Lounge"...ok...it's a bar...but lounge sounds more sophisticated. Anywho, I'm chilling Diddy bopping to some random Drake song, drinking my drank and laughing with my girls when all of a sudden I glare across the room and guess who's standing there....no, not Idris Elba! guess again....YES, Mr. Nice guy! The reason I call him that is because he's always had a way of making you think that he was a much nicer person than he really is... because at the end of the day he had the same doggish, self serving ways as many men. I digress, I was excited to see him...that is until I watched him turn his head to act as if he hadn't seen me. I thought to myself...this has to be a mistake...why would he be so ignorant?

You ever zone everything else out while you're trying to get someones attention? Every time their head moves, yours move too...hoping that the sync in your energies will make them see you? no? me either....

Anyway eventually I realized why he was acting like he didn't see me...he was there with a girl. But I thought big deal! We were friends...nothing more... so why act weird to me? Eventually he couldn't avoid my glaring eyes anymore and I waved at him and giiirrrrl guess what he did.... that fool gave me the head nod! Biiiiisssssh! I damn near jumped off of my stool...but it was too crowded in there and I didn't wanna lose my seat or whateva...

So the evening progressed....me in the cool section with all my homies being cool  *blank stare* and him in the booth with his date AND peep this...the same sister that just months prior had deemed me the "flyest of em all" who was now acting as if I didn't exist. I grappled with the idea of being the bigger person, going over and saying hello ...but then I thought...hell no!! This is MY bar...my territory and if he wanted to act like I didn't exist...then that's what it was gonna be. So after a while I left without ever saying a word.

Just this week I had a talk with myself about Mr. Nice guy, after seeing on his Instagram page that he and mystery date girl are now apparently deep in love... I realized something. The only times we've ever talked about "us" was when he was in some relationship that he was unhappy with but when the time came for him to be able to actually do something about it, like take me out or step up to show me that he'd changed...he never would. So I took a moment and I "therapatized" myself...I had to come to terms with the fact that he's all talk. I'm not going to get my redemption moment and further more I didn't need my redemption moment...maybe that terrible memory knot in the pit of my stomach would never go away and maybe that was ok...because that knot reminds me constantly what not to stand for...it reminds me of what i survived and the fears Ive conquered. Mostly it reminds me of the kind of man I should never settle for...even when the brokenness in me tries to convince me that that's all I deserve. I might have to live with that knot forever...but that has to be better than wanting to be with someone I don't even want anymore solely to rewrite my past... rewriting my past, rewrites me...and I'm cool with the story that I'm becoming!

Make no mistake! I still want my "Love Jones" moment...just not with his ass! Belee Dat!