DJ and the Hibachi *Bonus Post*

Am I the only one whose friends will not  allow them to forget their dates from hell?? I swear I be trying to wipe it clear from my memory but the jerks I call friends, every now and again for their own pleasure will remind me of the time I almost got proposed to on a first date, or the time I got yelled at for being late.

So the other day I was talking with a friend and somehow she found a way to turn the topic to Quani's worst first dates (that sounds like a blog post...hmmm perhaps) and it reminded me of a guy that I was dating last summer...we'll call him "Mr. DJ".

I met him through a mutual friend who had grown up with him. He'd told me to expect a call from him and within a few hours he called. Now first impressions are usually reliable and this time was no different but y'all know me Ms. Doubt...first name: Benefit Of The! You see within 30 seconds of the conversation he started having side conversations with random people in the background without as much as a "hold on". That is my pet peeve! If you have stuff going on call me back or wait to call me... I mean geez! So during the conversation he bragged about how he was a successful DJ and how he worked consistently and even did some radio work. He told me he owned a house in NJ that his grandparents had passed down to him. He explained that he'd had an accident that totaled his car but that he was working on getting another one. Although I wasn't exactly moved by his lack of modesty I just figured that it was not intentional.

So for the next couple of months we talked and eventually met one night when I went to see him at one of his gigs. First impression was that he did not exactly look like the pictures he'd sent me and that he dressed as if someone had just pulled him out of the "Big Pimpin" video of 2000. Nonetheless I made a choice to overlook such trivial things.

Throughout our short courtship a few suspicious things happened. He would constantly be getting rides to his "gigs" from these random women, I discovered one day that his mom and him lived together...now he claimed she had experienced some hard times so he let her move in...but by the way it appeared, he lived with her. The second time we met up...he introduced me to her, as his girlfriend. I damn near choked on the Hershey's with almond that I was savoring at the moment but to spare him embarrassment I just smiled and nodded. He later said that it was just easier to introduce me as such. But the main thing that I started to notice was that he never ever had money! Something was always "coming up" that would leave him broke but I dismissed it because his pockets had nothing to do with me generally speaking.

Until... One day he called me begging me to come see him. He lived about 35 minutes from me and didn't drive so of course, so unless he was in the area I'd have to go to him. This one day he was so persistent. He wanted to take me out to this Hibachi style restaurant. So of course when I learned that food was involved my fat ass got up and got dressed! ...I should've just stayed home.

When I arrived at "his" house he met me outside in a wife beater and some dingy ass ball shorts...I was instantly irked! There I was in my car chanting my woo-sah's thinking to myself..."nigga! you just had 3 hours to get dressed tho". In the middle of my attempting to get my mind right I could hear him bellowing from the porch telling me to come inside. Finally I got out of the car and walked inside to find his sister on the couch in what seemed like a very intense conversation. I walked to him room where he was sitting down on his bed like we didn't have anywhere to go. After asking him why he wasn't dressed he explained that it would only take a few minutes. My heart dropped as he grabbed his jean capri shorts off of a chair...I swear me and them shorts had just as many dates as me and Mr. DJ!!! As he grabbed the largest black tee shirt ever made he expressed that he was pissed off. Like the gentleman that I am...I inquired why he was so upset. He went on to tell me that his mom had asked him for 20 dollars and that it was his last 20 but that she had guilted him into giving it to her. Now of course at that moment my sympathy was more for my belly than his pockets!! So I asked if that meant that we couldn't go out and he just stared for a minute before saying that he had some extra money.

I don't know if y'all remember...a few years ago there was this trend, everyone was wearing those like black bedazzled bead bracelets and matching chains? Do you know what i'm talking about?? Well Mr. DJ took an extra half hour looking for his chain and bracelet as he proclaimed that he felt "naked" without them. Girl by this time...I was about 70% done with his ass. So as he made his finishing touches he asked "Do you think you could pay and i'll pay you back at the end of the week?" for which I replied "No." The thing is...I don't have any problems with paying usually...but it was his thoughtlessness and arrogance...just assuming that I would that annoyed me...it was the principle of it all. I then asked if that meant that i'd just wasted gas, drove in my hot ass hooptie with no AC, and spent the last 40 minutes watching him get dressed in the best clothes 1999 had to offer! He insisted that he had money and that he was just asking to see what I would say...guess I failed that test...proudly!!

Finally we were ready to go..however as we walked outside we found his sister sprawled across the hood of his mother's car crying like DMX on "Couple's Therapy" ... So Mr. DJ went over to find out what was wrong with her. After about another 20 minutes he was finally in the car and we were on our way. The restaurant was about 15 minutes away and as I was about to pull into a parking spot....wait for it....

This mothaluvah said...and I quote " So you gon' pay right?" when I say I hit the break so hard we both jerked damn near through the windshield. I felt the fire about to come through my nostrils as I calmly asked " soooo...you don't have any money?" to which he replied no. Without another word I just started driving out of the parking lot.

 "So you just gonna leave" he asked.
 "Hell Yes!" I replied.

He then asked me to pull into an apartment complex where his father lived. I could hear him on the phone with his dad who was on his way back home. He got out of the car and told me he'd be right back. 20 minutes later he returned. I know y'all are wondering why I stayed...and trust me it's not what you think! I wanted so badly to just leave his ass there and take my damn self to the Hibachi...but listen I drive a hooptie...I've made that no secret and well alejandro (my car) had started overheating a little bit so I had to let it cool down before I took that drive back home. Mr. DJ's ass just happened to make it back out before I left.

But when he returned he jumped in the car and said "aight, we out!" No three words have never boiled my blood the way these had...the audacity of this creep to be arrogant and cocky about having to borrow money from his father. Then I had to make a decision...do I drop his ass off home or do I make him spend his little bit of money on me..... *blank stare*

So as we sat down to eat I said absolutely nothing to him. He eventually got annoyed by that and asked what the big deal was...I mean after all we'd made it to the restaurant. and that, my friends, is when I went the hell off!! I mean OFF!! In a nutshell I brought up everything from him supposedly working  8 days a week...with no kids and still being broke all the time, him introducing me to people as his girlfriend...even the fact that he still wore Air Force 1's...I just went off! After all of that he apologized profusely asking me to give him another chance.

Then he told me he was going to the bathroom...after about 15 minutes I started to worry that he had dined and dashed and left my smart ass mouth right there at that table. I called him, he picked up and told me that he had been in the bathroom the whole time...taking a shit...to make room for more food... (his words...not mine). Welp that was the end of the night for me! I told him that i'd be in the car waiting. He came out a couple of minutes later and I drove him home. He asked me to come in for a minute so that we could talk... I don't know why I did it...honestly I think it was because I knew that was the last time i'd see him and I actually felt a little bad for him. as we went to him room...y'all... his mom, his sister and her friend were all sitting on his bed (that had no sheets on it btw) watching tv. but he didn't tell them to get out...nooo he told me to find a spot on his sheetless bed and sit down.

At that moment I suddenly had an emergency and had to leave...or at least that's the story I told as I exited the home. He tried to kiss me goodnight but I just turned my cheek towards him as I hurried into my car and left. We never spoke again...I mean he called...I just never answered.

Story of my life....

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie