Fat Bougie Chick's Top 10 Do's & Dont's of Online Dating

Hey Hey! So this week's post is a little late because the post that I was working on had me jonesing just a little too hard and that's the LAST thing I need while I'm in this horrific, terrible, and for the ghaatdamn birds drought that I'm in...so after a few cold showers and a stiff drink, I'll get back to that!

In the meantime I decided there was no time like the present to tackle that "Do's & Dont's" list I promised I'd write about last week...so without further ado here it is!!

Fat Bougie Chick's Top 10 Do's & Dont's of Online Dating

• 10. Do find out the living arrangements of your date before going to his place!! The last thing you want to do is decide to go back to his house and his "cousins" Rico,Chico,Niko, Fleeco and Connie are sitting in the living room rolling up a fat one and playing spades! I mean it seems like an obvious one but as women especially, we are sometimes way too trusting! Just because he has a nice smile and smells good does not mean that he is necessarily trust worthy...don't be afraid to ask the 21 and a half questions!! That is your right and your duty and if he has a problem with that...trust me when I say...he ain't worth the first, second or third date! and on top of that there is NO way in upper or lower hell that a grown man should be sharing a one bedroom apartment with so many grown damn men... ain't that much saving up in the world!!

• 9. Do let your expectations be known early on. I am very big on consistency...I don't know a woman that isn't but the difference is that I live by the code of consistency...especially when it comes to dating! So I always make it clear to a guy that the way he can prove to me that he is about what he says he's about and not just BS'ing me is to do the things he says he will. Do what you say you're going to do...reach out to me consistently and spend time with me. Whatever it is that you expect...you can't just think that the guy will know that...that's true with any kind of dating but specifically online dating because I'm telling you some of these men are starting from dating level ZERO!

• 8. Do drive your own car or meet your date at the location of the date. Although it has never happened to me I have this irrational fear that my date would come pick me up from home and we'd go to a nice restaurant at which time he'd turn out to be a jerk and I'd let him know that's what he is so he would tell me he was going to the bathroom and then leave me in the middle of the restaurant by myself with a mouth full of free bread and a bill that I have no intentions on paying!! Ooooor he'd drive me to some heavily wooded area at which time I'd have to open up the car door while he's driving...jump out, tuck and roll because that's how all murder scenes start and who has time to die tonight!?! "Not me!" said the Cat!

• 7. Don't respond to any messages from men who attempt to get your number before they ask you anything about yourself or tells you anything about them. This may sound unbelievable for men aged 25 and up but men get on these sites to collect numbers like they're baseball cards!! I promise you it happens way more often than you'd think.

• 6. Do respond when they send you messages at 2 AM asking you what you are doing or "What part of the city do you live in?". Yes, I did say DO respond. Why? because it's entertaining. When I get those messages I already know what the intentions are...there are creeps who get online at 2 AM hoping to catch a girl in a vulnerable place during booty call hours...but just call me The Booty Call Crook...my job is to steal all hopes and dreams of a booty call with my ass!! Ain't gon' happen...not never! So when I get those messages I like to respond with answers like "running a marathon...how about you?" or "shaving my underarm hair" or when they ask what part of the city I live in I'll say something like "North" and they ask "where in North?" and I say "The north side of North" and this will go on until they get annoyed and leave me the hell alone...and I go back to watch "The Office" on Netflix and eating my spicy Doritos.

• 5. Do ask details about when their last relationship ended. A lot of men on these sites are testing the waters before they dive out of their baby mom's pool and into the next one. In other words a large amount of guys are not fully single when they start looking on these sites...they could be trying to see what their odds are in meeting someone new in time for the break up or auditioning for a new side chick...sad but totes true!! So I ask questions like "how long have you been out of your relationship"...if it's within 6 months...don't do it gurh because he is still in the "work it out" phase of his relationship!! I also ask when was the last time he's seen or spoken to his ex, how old their child together is, etc. because all of those things can tell you a lot about where he may stand. Of course he could just lie about everything but he'll be very cautious going forward because he knows that you're looking for proof of his singleness.

• 4. Don't entertain messages that make reference to your body in a sexual nature! The other day I got a message like "Mmmm baby I would handle you real well" the moment you respond, you open up the floodgates of this dirty-dicked , foolish ass floozy (men can be floozies too!) to think that he can talk you out of your drawers...follow my lead...just block his ass!

• 3. Do Set standards for yourself before you start the process... it's important to know what you want and don't want, what you will and won't do. Men respond positively to a woman who knows what she wants and it also lets him know that he has to step his game up in order to step to you...trust me it will eliminate a lot of the lames. I made sure to write a very detailed profile with everything I think a man should know about me before approaching me and I can't tell you how many messages I get with men saying that they loved that I was so detailed and that I know what I want. It's also important to set limits like, not going to any one's home until a set amount of dates, no sex until a set amount of time that you're comfortable with,  and when you'd be willing to talk about a relationship (not after the first date though because these men will try it! trust me) 

• 2. Do be willing to go dutch sometimes! Now I have this thing...I believe wholeheartedly that a woman should be courted however...so should a man. It's up to you to let him see the type of woman that you are. And for me personally it's important that he knows that I'm all about the 50/50...yes I want to be wined and dined but I also have no problem doing the same! Here's the thing though...I don't ever pay on the first date...because it's important for me to see how a man will respond before he knows that I believe in going dutch. I want a man who is willing to be the traditional gentleman, even though he doesn't have to be!

• 1. and number one is Don't trust that just because he/she dresses nicely or has a nice car that they have their lives in order! a couple of years ago I was talking to this man who we'll call "Gucci this, Louie that". Well "Mr. GTLT" had talked a good game and I finally decided to go out with him. We went to a couple of places to have some drinks. I found humor in the fact that he had pulled out every name brand item in his closet to go bar hopping. I mean literally he had on a Gucci hat, belt and sneakers (I think) Even his wallet was name designer. As we left one location to travel to the next he disarmed his car that was halfway down the block just so I could notice that it was a Benz convertible. I guess he thought he might be impressing me but all I could do was go back and forth in my mind whether he sold crack, pills or weed...seeing how he'd evaded the question of employment throughout the night...finally insisting that he owned barbershops (why do all drug dealers buy barbershops tho???) At the end of the date he asked me to come chill at his place...now let me start by saying I am the damn spokesperson for never ever going to a date's house or inviting them to yours at least until after 3 dates. Not because you'll have sex but because it's important to build and graduate to new stages (he may never say it but a man is watching to see if you have standards set for yourself too!!) Anywho my curiosity got the best of me because I figured his house just had to be fly as hell and so I decided there was no harm it. We arrived on his block to these huge houses with elaborate lawns and I got excited thinking about the barbecues we could have on the lawn down the line if we worked out (now ladies don't e'em front...you know we can plan a whole lifetime with a man in the first 5 minutes of meeting him...that's our damn problem!) So after walking up what seemed like 85 steps we got inside to darkness. He told me to have a seat...in the darkness and he'd be right back. well girl! this is the stop that the fairytale got off on!! After about 2 minutes I could hear the voice of two "middle aged" people upstairs arguing and furthermore they sounded drunk as hayle!! Not whiteboy wasted drunk...nooo like 5 heartbeats, Eddie King Jr. ,"Nights Like This" drunk!!! I grappled with the thought of just jumping off that couch and running out of that house to my car...but I couldn't help it...the curiosity was eating away at me. Finally he invited me upstairs...and I wish I woulda said a prayer, chant or something before I got up there because She (me, her) was NOT ready!!! I walked into the smallest room I have ever seen in my entire, project living, studio renting life (the years before I upgraded myself!)...I mean this room looked like it was built for a smurf! I mean there was room for a bed ...and some slippers!!! What appalled me even further was that half of his matchbox was filled with sneaker boxes to.the.ceiling.! All at once I blamed him for everything that was wrong with the Black community!! Then this fool had the nerve to tell me to sit on his bed so we could watch a movie...on a little baby TV that was propped up on...yup you guessed it...some sneaker boxes!! I couldn't even fake anymore...I made up an excuse and told Mr. Gucci this, Louie that, Benz convertable, but Futon bed that I had to be going and I dipped up outta there with the quickness...I remember laughing when I got in the car as I thought that God was getting me back for going against my better judgement and going to that man's house... lesson to be learned? sometimes a man would rather wear and drive his house...smdh. 

I have sooooo many more for this list so i'll do a part two at a later date!! At the end of the day beauties...and gents...there is no excuse to not be really truly living in 2014...stop waiting for things to come to you...take the reigns of your life!! No, every situation won't be ideal...but at least you'll be able to add another memory to your mental scrapbook!! 

Sincerely,

Miss Fat & Bougie

P.S. I'll be announcing the Giveaway winner tomorrow at noon!! Stay tuned!!